Unofficial History of Drama in the Free State

[thescoop]

Gah...stupid net.

    I'm a big kid now.
    Current mood:      amused
    I've recently been quite entertained with the idea that people feel they somehow know what is better
    for me than I myself know; they somehow know how I feel and they must protect me from hurt; they
    somehow know who I am and what I think and they are responsible to change my situation because
    apparently I am not old enough to think for myself or be my own person.
    So when was the last time that you checked in on the way you live your life? And, what, because you
    live your life ruled by your emotions (a sad place to be really) suddenly that means everyone else does;
    suddenly that means I do? And, what, because you suddenly think you know what I feel and think
    (since I doubt you have any clue at all) I am supposed to bend to you and do as you say? Wait, your
    analysis of my life is more accurate than my own?? How do you figure?
    "We live our lives in chains, never even realising we hold the key." So what. I love him. This means
    what to you? This means I must have my entire life revolving around him? I must be anxiously
    awaiting his approval, or his attention, or his.. what? I don't understand. I'll tell you what it means.
    Not your version of what you think it means, but the reality of what it truly means. I love him. And
    that is all it means. I just love him. No other words fit. I don't madly desire him. I don't desperately
    need him. I don't... I don't... I don't. I just love him. I am my own person, and he is his. And when
    you love yourself enough to be your own person, you will realise that loving someone does not mean
    that you then automatically, desperately, deeply, irrationally need to be with that person. Loving
    someone - truly loving someone does not mean there is some unspoken promise of commitment, some
    expectation of the feeling being reciprocated, some need for their affection. Truly loving someone
    allows you to set them free; allows you to desire their own happiness above your selfish wants; allows
    you to just give freely without demanding return. It just is. I just love him. See because long ago - I
    found the key and unlocked my chains...

   'splain sumthin to me...
   Category: Life
   why is it every man i meet that makes my heart stop (which is pretty rare for me) is all
   hung up on some other girl, but i have a million guys chasing me... go figure. am i destined
   for mediocrity?

that guy i can't let go of...
Current mood:        confused
Category: Romance and Relationships
so this guy at work is abslutely everything i could have ever hoped for in life... except (just
like every other guy i've ever fallen for) he's in love with someone else. wtf. and it's not
like i don't have several other guys chasing me (as usual)... but i just can't get this one to
get out of my head. i'm so taken by him i'm even avoiding talking to these other guys and
taken to wearing my 'leave me the fuck alone' pretend engagement ring... which is funny
cuz the 'boss' owner lady thinks i'm 'with' the manager guy just cuz he asked me on a few
dates. but - he just doesn't make my heart stop... and this other one - when i'm near him i
can't even breathe...
i'd be happy just to spend time getting to know him more and hanging out with him... just
to be in his presence...

That's what friends are for!!!
Current mood:      amused
Category: Friends
SEE!!???!?!?!?!? Does anyone wonder why I'm so picky about men now? Sheesh - what a
loser.
So I haven't been blogging cuz it's been a busy weekend. The crew hit the ball game Friday
night and then Hathors. We didn't stay too long for various tail-chasing reasons (a-hem we
know who you are mister!), but I got some digits... what can I say, I looked pretty good! I
woulda got that chick's number had this dude not interrupted, and even then had I had the
chance to talk to him longer and seen what a loser I woulda ditched him and gone to find
her again! LOL! Anyways, he was kinda cute and, for the ten minute conversation we had, I
was willing to see if he might be someone to have fun with, so since I had to go, I grabbed
the digits and left with the crew. Saturday was spent doing laundry for all, having bbq at
crayola, and then furniture shopping and starting on reorganizing my room (more on that
later - I LOVE MY NEW BED!!!! hehehe). Sunday was more bbq at crayola all day long along
with wii play. I figured, hey, what better place to talk more and see what's up than with my
friends... as opposed to on a date where I'd have to set up the 'call me in an hour to see if i
need to be rescued' call. LOL. I gave him a call and he came over... *sigh* what a loser.
Okay, I can't help it. I like the super-aggresive-totally-dominant-alpha-male type. And
there's so few of them around.


[Ed--one post is better than many]

[thescoop]

Posts

The Scoop is also ny2nh

Just an FYI.

No, but like ny2nh, I am tired of Ivy's lies and how she constantly gets away with misrepresenting herself and other people. The information is out there---just no one bothers to post it.   

[blackie]

http://forum.freekeene.com/index.php?topic=1061.msg10639#msg10639

I'm not going to post it here but someone else can if they want.

Where do I begin....

Well, I'll start at the part of taking responsibility for my own actions.

Now, not knowing that I was going to be released today, I had written a letter to Ian to post publicly on these matters, as well as some others.  (Ian, feel free to still do so when you receive it.  Or, if you feel my following post adequately addresses everything, then don't.  I trust your judgment.  I think what I am about to say will cover the first, second and last section.  The other one about Sam, I would like you to still post over there if you would.)

I cheated on my husband Bill with Nicholas James Ryder.  

I was very very wrong for not saying "no" more firmly when I could have.  For not stopping when I should have.  I am as much to blame as Nick in this situation.  Yet, I don't think Nick is being entirely honest either and for that I must (for my husband's reputation's sake) clarify a few things.

While my cheating with Nick did involve some sexual actions, we did not actually engage in intercourse.  I want to make that very clear.  (Gee, Nick, for someone who thinks I'm "just the most awesome-est girl [you've] ever met" - thanks for "throwing me under the bus" by not at least defending me there - I sure appreciate it...)

Does that make my actions any less wrong?  No.  Does that mean there was no cheating?  No.  I'll say it again - I cheated on Bill.  And I was wrong.

Now, before you start attacking Bill with "I told you so"s, and "leopards don't change their spots" and "it's all HER fault - she seduced him", let me tell you what Nick apparently can't bring himself to tell anyone.  Let me tell you what Nick isn't.  (again, Nick, thanks... really... )

I had asked Nick's company one night while going to dinner with Richard and Dan.  We had a nice time, and the next night I needed dinner too, so asked if he wanted to go out for Chinese.  Next thing I know, he's calling it a "first date".  I thought that was funny - cute even.  I thought he was joking.  

The next week it was "let's grab a pizza." and "Oh I don't mind hanging around while you're working on the case - I just want to be near you. You won't even know I'm here"  Then it was "Well let's grab a movie."  I still didn't think too much of it.

Yes, Nick is much younger than I and much less experienced.  Upon re-reading our IM logs, I can see how my normal, bubbly and flirtatious self could easily be misconstrued by someone like Nick.  But, just like I joked around with Barskey about our dinner being a "date" when he bought me dinner as a "Thank you" for helping Sam, I meant little by it when I made the same jokes with Nick... but apparently Nick thought it meant more than it did.  I guess the difference is that Barskey and I are clearly "friends only" and both joking type people and would know that the other wasn't serious.  Nick, on the other hand, apparently has had a long-time deep-seated crush on me that I didn't know about until....

He kissed me.  I stopped him.  I told him I couldn't give him what he was looking for.  I specifically said those very words.

Still, when I then told him that although I had been "out there" as poly in the past, I am married now and can not give him what he is looking for (date: May 20th, and repeated many times after that - gee Nick, it would really be nice if you were honest about all this too so I'm not totally thrown under the bus...) I thought that he should have realized I had been just being friendly the way that I am and I wanted nothing more.  When he snuggled up to me and said "No, no, I understand "this" isn't anything.  I'm just a "touchy" person." I should have said "No." but thinking nothing of it (because I'm a snuggly person too) I let it go and he took it to be more.

The next week it was the same things from him: "Let me buy you dinner."  "I want to take care of you while you're here."  "I just want to spend as much time as I can with you - I don't deserve any of your attention, but I so appreciate every minute of it"  And "that" night... when I said "No, Nick, you should go home..." at least five times but still he sat there on the couch looking at me like a puppy dog, and snuggling up to me, and then started biting me..... I should have said "No" again... I should have stopped him.  I should have stopped myself.

My actions were just as wrong as Nick's, but, man, the "Shoulda seen it coming" comments towards Bill... so harsh on my husband.  Maybe Bill shoulda - but I think more importantly is maybe *I* shoulda.... and I shoulda stopped it.  Or maybe even, when Nick knowingly acknowledged the fact that I am married, and further acknowledge that he knew he could not be a part of my life, he should have stopped his behavior too.  Bill did nothing wrong here but love a broken and weak woman.  And I failed the biggest test of all.

Now's the part where I start to get a bit defensive:

To the several allegations in this thread (and previously) that I somehow have some STD: I'd be happy to sign a consent waiver for all of you if you want to pay for the medical records from Elliot Hospital when I went there on May 22nd - when I tested completely clean of any and all STDs. (fucking sickos...)  Additionally, we conceived on March 20th, and, since February 14, 2008 until March 20, 2009 when she was conceived, I have not had sexual intercourse with any other man (Not that it is any of your businesses...) though I will publicly say that if Bill wants a paternity test I'd be happy to take one.

I understand it is easy to be angry at Nick (instead of Ivy or yourself), but let's look at the situation:

I hear that Nick believed her to be a polyamorist.  If it's true that he was told this, he wouldn't have been aware he was violating an unspoken agreement.

First, Ian, I am saddened by this entire post from you.  Second, Nick was well aware - I told him multiple times "I am married now" and "I can't give you what you are looking for".  It would be nice of him to actually acknowledge those things and everyone to not take sides.  Clearly we were both wrong.

Ivy is known for being very interested in multiple partners.  There are many an activist who have reported her coming on to them, and this includes prior to her pregnancy.  (As an aside, you probably didn't know she sent a perfume-laced letter to Sam in jail.  Things that make you go, hmm...)

I'd love to know which activists claim I have "come on to them... this includes prior to her pregnancy".  I can name the few - though none of which are male.  I'd be amused to know which of those males really think my friendliness/flirtaciousness *really* is me coming on to *them*.  Heh.
As for the letter to Sam - I think I will speak to Sam directly about that allegation, but Bill has read everything I've sent to Sam and worked on with Sam's case.... but yeah... Bill must not know.  Right.  How do you think Bill knew about what happened with Nick??  He has all my passwords to everything because I want to be completely open with him.  I don't try to hide from him - even when I screw up royally.

Ivy is a grown woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it.

heh.  really?  Hmm.  Wish I knew where a million bucks were and how to get that...

Nick is a young man with precious little experience in matters like these.  From my limited understanding of the situation, it sounds to me like Ivy was the instigator and that she told Nick what he needed to hear to feel a little less guilty about what happened between them.

I think you need to hear again... perhaps from both sides before making such judgements.

She is as responsible for what happened- it's not fair of you to place the weight all on Nick's shoulders.

No one said I wasn't - I don't think Bill at all intended the weight to be entirely on Nick's shoulders.  I think he wanted Nick to be a man and fess up to *his ROLE* in the entire situation.  I already had fessed up to mine and Bill knew that when he came on here.

Did you believe her days of multiple partners were over and that you were her final conquest, Bill?  If so, you need only be angry at yourself for believing that.  

Of course, I recommend moving past the anger and into forgiveness.  Start by forgiving yourself for lashing out and for believing a leopard will change its spots.

yeah I just don't even know what to say to that last bit... Thanks for being such a good friend, Ian.   really.

As to Nick living by some "higher moral code" and being such a good little Christian boy... yeah... (you know what they say about them Catholic girls, right?)  If Nick had such a high moral code, he would confirm all that I have said here and take responsibility for his role in this situation.  He would speak the full truth of the matter - including the numerous times I told him to go home that night, and the numerous times I told him that I couldn't give him what he wanted.  If he were truly living by a higher moral code, then "No" would have meant no the first time.  Further, if he truly thinks I'm as great as he claimed to think I was, then I'm sure he wouldn't mind clearing up many of these slanderous statements for the group and letting you all know that this incident was not me preying on some innocent young child...  The measure of a man is in his actions, and reactions, in the most trying of situations.  

Now back to the 'taking responsibility for my actions':

Since that time, my perspective on cheating has totally changed. Now, I don't want to make it sound like I think cheating is good, because that is not the case. I am not proud of what I did, but people make mistakes, and that's important so you can reflect and learn from them. I think cheating is cowardly and dishonest, but since I did it, even though I knew how much it hurt me, I can understand what goes through a person's mind while they are doing it.  The chemicals in the brain are very strong, and really, that makes a lot of sense from a biological standpoint. I honestly don't believe that humans were meant to be monogamous, and that the chemicals in our brains encourage us to fuck a bunch of people to help our species survive. There are some practical aspects in our modern day society to monogamy, but that's why I think communication about sex and what's going on in your head is so important in any relationship. I also think that people often confuse sex and love. Sometimes they go together, but not always.

Thanks for this Julia.  You're so very right.  This time-period in my life is the first time I've felt like what I was actually doing was cheating.  The first time I could admit to myself my behavior was wrong.  Any other time, I had been "single and dating" or had been with a cheater and "retaliated in kind".  Those times I felt... right in what I was doing.  It took this time for me to see that I am (and have been) so many times wrong.  I'm sitting here re-reading the things Nick and I conversed about and thinking "My God, what was I thinking?"  and  "They're all right - of course someone so inexperienced as Nick who has an affinity for me would think that I was coming on to him with these words."  Yet, in the moment that I am saying them, I don't ever think I'm doing that.  I don't know what will happen to Bill and I, but I do know that, for myself, I will be getting some counseling immediately.  I'd never even recognized this before... sometimes addicts don't see their additions until they've destroyed their lives.  I pray I haven't destroyed mine completely...

All this leads me to these two things:
I want to apologize to the Free State Project and to FreeKeene.  For the third time in two years my private relationships and sex life have become "front page news" - to the detriment of the reputation of the good people of this project.  Ian, I would like you to remove my membership here, and I'll be emailing someone (probably the FSP membership director, if someone wants to "double check" on my "honesty") to ask my membership be removed from the FSP.  I don't want my faults to bring the rest of you all down.

And the last thing I want to do before I log out permanently is apologize to Joe Brown and Mike Barskey and other people who hold themselves out there as poly.  It is moments like this and people like me who give "poly" a bad name in general.  I apologize that my actions adversely effect the way people see folks like yourselves.  Joe, if you would, please remove my memberships from the NHPoly and FSPPoly sites.  First thing this has all shown me is that I am not truly poly - rather I am a sick woman that needs to get help.  I would imagine my years of sexual abuse is a predicator to all this - the rapes, the incest... still... I need help so I can be the best woman I can be for the man I do so truly love.  The second thing is... *if* Bill will have me still, I do very much want to work on our marriage, and neither him nor I want to be "out there" as poly any longer.  We are married to the exclusion of all others.  Let it be known from now on.  If you are anyone OTHER THAN BILL, if I seem to be "flirting" or "coming on to you", I am just being me and I mean nothing more.  If you do decide to then proceed to "make a move" it is you who are violating the terms of my marriage.

[John Shaw]

Posts

The Scoop is also ny2nh

Just an FYI.

No, but like ny2nh, I am tired of Ivy's lies and how she constantly gets away with misrepresenting herself and other people. The information is out there---just no one bothers to post it.   

You were coming from the same IP.

[Rebel]

Sorry, Rebel.....don't need a guy who posts so many details on forums. : ) I prefer to not have the details of personal life in print on public forums, ya know?

Gotta have fun once in awhile. Sorry for the distraction from topic. At least I wasn't driving last night...

[BonerJoe]

Sharon is one slick bitch.

[Rebel]

Kate (Bill's ex-wife) is a class act

^this

You know, the kind of folks not likely to hang on the FTL BBS  

Not like me I guess.

[thescoop]

Posts

The Scoop is also ny2nh

Just an FYI.

No, but like ny2nh, I am tired of Ivy's lies and how she constantly gets away with misrepresenting herself and other people. The information is out there---just no one bothers to post it.   

You were coming from the same IP.

Yes, because I asked her to post this stuff on FTL where I didn't have an account. Instead of posting it under her name but by me, she registered a new account, which was dumb because then yes, it would be the same IP as her account and look like she was posting it but trying to hide it, instead of posting something for me. So, she deleted it, I reregistered to take over the account and now it's mine.

Long story short, I should have just posted the crap myself but I thought it would be easier on me if I had ny2nh do it.

[BonerJoe]

Mmm kay.

[Rebel]

Ivy just handed it to coco... She's all reformed now, so don't touch

[ny2nh]

Thanks for explaining what happened with the posts this morning.....I guess I didnlt have enough tea in me this morning!  Try to do someone a favor and see what happens! 

thescoop is right though - the background on Sharon is out there - cause you know what you post on the net never really goes away. What is funny is that most telling details come from Sharon herself - in her own words.

now, back to the regularly scheduled programming.....

[ny2nh]

Ivy just handed it to coco... She's all reformed now, so don't touch

Her post was more damning to herself, wouldn't you say?

And, damn, why do men force her to act the way she does? Poor, poor Ivy. 

[blackie]

http://forum.freekeene.com/index.php?topic=1061.msg10660#msg10660

I remain completely shocked, that after all this time, all these completely crazy situations and bizarre attempts at explaining them....that people continue to be unable to see that Sharon is a mentally ill woman....which, in and of itself is not bad or reason for dismissal.....but, because of her (inexplicable) ability to con the same people over and over again, this mental illness has been allowed to twist and warp her mind and she seems to be unaware of it, herself.

I don't know how she sucks people in....but she does. Then she either cons them, uses them on an ongoing basis, or ruins their life and moves on. Over and over and over again, she does this.

Bill....take a look at your life. I guess you felt like the cool kid, when it was you crushing your long term, live in girlfriends/wifes heart....by making out with this wretched creature outside of bars, in front of all her friends...I guess you felt pretty spiffy. How about now....now that this woman is trashing YOUR heart, publically humiliating YOU? Now that your life savings has been dumped into this relationships failures, now that you have nothing...that everthing you've built up is gone. Now that your up to your ears in legal trouble...NOT because of your freedom fighting ways...but because your mentally ill spouse, who "looooves liberty" so much, has been exposed fora welfare queen, who felt that she was entitled to take money from the system, without paying into it. How does that fit in your "code"??

Are you confused by this womans sexual past? Because no one else is. She made it clear from day one, she is a very sexual person, who enjoys and sees no problem with many partners at once....who will go so far for sex, as to leave her (barely known to her, at the time) boyfriend in charge of her toddler son, while she's out with men and women doing whatever. She has led a very sexual life since any person here (OR in RI) has known her.....why would she stop now? Because she is your wife? Oh please, dude, give yourself a reality check! Oh....and congratulations....you know, now that she's pregnant and all. That's a big step for you guys...now, you are bound to this woman in flesh, for the rest of your life. I know that the true "shit" of that, will not sink in until much later, after you have truly seen her for what she is an realize what you have done to yourself...but truly, congrats on the baby part of it, you will never enjoy anything as much as you enjoy parenting. I just wish you much peace and patience in trying to parent with herr, after you guys are separated. Oh, and you will be....because she will continue to be who she is, and you will not tolerate it for the rest of your life. I would say, you won't tolerate it for another two years....you WILL see her pattern at some point and you will be forced to leave, for your kids sake and your own.

I am just so shocked that people are still unable to see how sick and crazy this woman is. She has conned her way through the free state, slept with anyone who would take her (I'm not saying THAT is wrong, I don't mind that some people are more sexual than others....it's just too bad that it has to come to a point of hurting others)...she has been involved in crime after crime, left people hanging for rent money, etc...and tried to say that they were "out to get her"...at what point will people stop looking at the government and "horrible" landlords saying "look at how they persecute her!" - and start seeing that, the woman is just a damn criminal? She takes, without paying. Some of you don't take issue with htat, when it comes to the government, but as a tax payer...I DO. I hate paying taxes, BECAUSE OF scumbags like Sharon, who think that tealing from the system is okay, because the system sucks. Well fuck you Sharon, because a lot of hard working families barely make it every month, but would NEVER take a red cent from the goverment....they don't want the blood money you so hapily lapped up fraudulently. But that's not even the half of it....landlords, private transactions with peope, Freestaters.....Sharon has taken and tkane and taken...not thinking that she should be hld accountable. It's digusting. I know we hate the goverment, that they do a fine job of creating a criminal out of an ordinary, good and decent person....THAT is a truth I KNOW exists....but it doesn't mean, that there is no such  thing as a real criminal...and this woman, IS a criminal. She's not a nice person, she's a con. She lies BEST to herself...and is quite skilled at manipulating others, as well.

Anyway. I'm jut glad her son was taken away. To have this poor, sweet kid, living in the basement of that resturaunt is wrong. She's had one kid taken away already...for damn good reason, too: Because she is too selfish and ill to be a good mother, she is simply incapable of putting a child first. Bill: You will gain first hand knowledge of this act soon...just, wait for it.

To read her writing leaves me shaking my head...and sad. Sad, because the woman has missed her true calling. She would have made an awesome romance writer. She is excellent at making up stories, has a very creative mind when it comes to sexual encounters and well...just read her post above! "Nick, I can't give you what you need!" - "I told him no, no no no Nick! Leave....but then, THOSE EYES! I couldn't help myself...his aching loin was too powerful and the scent of him captured my wildest fantasies....his pulsing member pressed to my thigh....I thought of my husband, but it was too late......my impulse to take him to my lips was too strong...and I was lost in him.....I am but a woman, it wasn't my fault...." - she'd be perfect!

Oh, and Bil: "Taking advantage of her, in her pregnant, hormonal state?" Ummmmm, yeah, homones will mess with you....but being pregnant is not the equivelant of being passed out on a couch at a frat party. The woman is your goddamn wife. She has a duty to you, to uphold her commitment no matter what.  Your wife messes around on you, and you're mad at the kid who she messed around with?? What? She's just a poor stupid woman?? He's a stud? What is it? Nick didn't stand in front of you and promise to love and honor you for the rest of his life....nick doesn't owe you a goddamn thing. SHARON, stood before you and promised to love you, to protect your heart always...to be your honorable wife. What she has described above...is an absolute mockery of that committment. THE FIRST TIME this kid stepped out of line, is when it should have ended. "Nick, I can't see you alone anymore, because I love my husband and your advances make me very uncomfortable. That shouldn't have been hard for her to say....but she didn't say it. She invited this person into her personal space, alone, over and over and over again. She's not stupid. "looking back now, I should've seen it" - BULLSHIT. This woman is a MASTER of social situations...she is a master manipulator and happens to be particularly skilled in the areas of emotional manipulation and sexual/social interaction....she knew EXACTLY what was going on...do not believe for ONE SECOND that Nick had the upper hand. Nick, no offense, you sound like a nice kid.....but Sharon Ankrom could chew you up and spit you out in her SLEEP. You could not have EVER had the upper hand in ANY social/sexual situation with this woman. She was not for an INSTANT confsued, unaware, uncomfortable or overpowered by your "sexual prowess". You didn't do anything that she didn't let you do....you didn't feel anything that she didn't know you were feeling. Meal after meal, movies, snuggling up on the couch? What the fuck is wrong with all of you people, that you would accept that as appropriate behavior from a married, not to mention pregnant, woman. That is out of control behavior. I'm no prude....but my spouse is snuggled up on a couch with someone of the opposite sex, after countless meals alone together and obvious advances and physical contact??? Give me a fucking break! My issue is not with the other person...it's with my spouse, who had no right nor reason to betray me like that.

This woman, is not weak, she is not one to be easily overpowered....she has an illness. Part of that, is an inability to resist sexual pyhical contact. This is not a wife, you leave alone for days or weeks at a time, while on business or whatever. Bill, if you accept this behavior and continue to leave her alone....your "Poor pretty little wife" is gonna have a lot more sob stories for you in the future.

Why doens't anyone see that she ALWAYS does this? Why can't people see her for what she is? See her constant insistence on spilling WAYYYY too much private information on the internet, for what it is?? It's ILLNESS. I-L-L-N-E-S-S.

She;s not a poor, unfortunate underdog. She's not a liberty lover. She's not a freedom fighter....she's an untreated, mentally ill person, who has found her niche. And you guys just sluuuuuuurp it right up. You know what? Have fun with that.....it will not end, so long as you remian so goddamn tickled by it.

Sharon: Congrats on the pregnancy. Maybe this time you should give your kid a shot at having a decent mother and get yourself into some sort of therapy which will help you to manage the crap in your head. You can't continue like this, for the rest of your life....burning bridges and moving on. Your mental illness makes you behave like a bad person....but I don't think, underneath it all, that you are. I think if you gave yourself a shot, you could stop feeling so empty and desperate inside. That the people who love you could actually beak through to you and fill your heart with the feling of peace that other feel in their intimate relationships. Seriously.

[John Shaw]

A video of all of this would be called:

2 SUCKERS 1 SKANK

Thank yew.

[thescoop]

If you do decide to then proceed to "make a move" it is you who are violating the terms of my marriage.

And then I guess Bill will have to duel you to the death in order to protect her honor....or something like that?

Can't wait for new programming from my favorite station, KRZY!