i am probably totally getting this whole section or topic wrong in posting here but I really just need to " say" this. I am sure likely I;ll end up looking odd and inappropriate.
I'm don't think or really know what is going on at this point. I can do what I have to in order to live. Survive. I'm labeled with a mood disorder. Bi polar 2. I won't take psyche meds. I hate them. They don't help. In ways they do but honestly They suck. Yet so does my attitude.
I've really gone down hill. I have lost the ability to interact as a reasonable person in real life and as well as my being a fan or FTL and LRN or in every instance of dealing with people. I don't know if any of you realize how disturbing it is to see how much a person like me can go into these modes where everything I do is crazy and just digs the hole I'm trying to climb out of deeper. I realize that people who don't struggle with mood disorders or addiction problems would find it easy just to look down their noses at someone and disregard them. So far I have found that very apparent and it has finally sunk in that I am too crazy to think I could add anything to FTL or the liberty thing. I've always acknowledged that Im too messed up for them to want me to go to NH. If I signed up to move to the free state I would get an email back telling me," Howard, No hard feelings. but just stay where you are."
for real.
Cause I am this crazy, illiterate guy. Honestly. I've met far more compassionate and accepting people among stoners and people who are focused on cannabis and stuff like that than this liberty stuff.
Thing about FTL or this thing going on there. I have met some really cool people as far a chatting with them. I really expected to find more chilled out people. It must be me. I freak people out. I know it must be I'm more of an A hole than I am capable of accepting.
No matter what anyone want to judge me as or whatever. None of you really know me and I acknowledge everything I do lately as far as my wish to interact amicalbly just seems to turn to dog poop.
I apologize to anyone I offended. I am done. hIf I ever post again here or go on FTL chat I'd be better off just hitting myself in the head with a hammer first. As dark as things are for me now its the same. I have to disappear. I've embarrassed myself too much and I don't think there is any redemption from this time. AA, God or anything has enough power to make me well.
Howie