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Author Topic: Damaged Goods  (Read 3862 times)

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BonerJoe

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Damaged Goods
« on: December 20, 2011, 09:25:40 AM »

It occured to me last night, after reading someone else's similar story, why I probably hate The Government so much.

I'm pretty sure it was the years of mental and physical abuse in public school I suffered from bullies. They told me it was *my* fault, literally, for being picked on. That *I* was the instigator, simply because I was tall and fat. And if I tried defending myself, I would be harshly punished. I think they actually tolerate bullying for a reason, and that's because it supports compliance with authority.

No government official ever stopped it or even put any effort into trying to protect me. Not even when the school I went to had a Sheriff's Deputy on staff full time.

I put up with it for years, until when I didn't care anymore in high school and finally responded to the abuse by stabbing someone in the arm with a mechanical pencil. Then the abuse stopped, because everyone probably thought I was crazy at that point and would slit their throats if I had the opportunity. And they were right.

It took years after dropping out to learn how to be a human again. To not be in an environment where I was constantly being attacked, sort of like how people in the military get PTSD from always having to be on alert that someone is going to kill them. I had no problem emotionally with my psychopathic behavior, stealing from and manipulating people - they were all assholes anyways, right? I ended up with a felony record because of it. It wasn't until I discovered libertarianism that I started to get a hold on my behavior, that what I was doing *was* wrong by initiating force.

So, yeah, it's probably why I hate The Government and think it's such a failure.
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Cognitive Dissident

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2011, 09:56:19 AM »

I don't know about bullying in general, but I do believe those of you who had to grow up as "the big kid" were always unfairly expected to "shake it off" rather than defend yourselves, and that sucks.  It doesn't just stop in school.  Huge athletes, even at the pro level, get all the bad calls when they respond to the relentless physical attacks on the field/ice/court that they're bound to get.  I never had to deal with anything like it, not being large as a kid, but I did see that crap. 

I think maybe it comes from the leftist ideology that pervades "educational" institutions--they don't seem to believe in equal justice--they seem to believe in equal outcomes.  Therefore, the ones they feel are blessed in one way or another must pay in other ways.  It's bullshit, but I think it's how they think.  This also explains hatred for the rich, the skilled, and those talented in other ways than themselves.

As for the abuse stopping, I was a pacifist as a kid, and while I did have a big mouth, I never resorted to violence, even when a victim of petty violence.  One guy actually came to me one day and said "you've got to hurt them when they do that, then they'll stop."  He was right.  There was also an incident when I had the opportunity to bail one of the troublemakers out of his own trouble.  I think that humbled him, and word got around, so it's not only about self-defense, but integrity.  I did what I did because it was good to do, not because I gave a crap about him as an individual.

As for me, though, I think it was the realization that the state doesn't give a crap about me.  They say a Republican is a Democrat who's been mugged.  I think a Libertarian is often someone who's been mugged by the government.  Most people seem to think the government is basically just, right up until it screws them, individually.  Then it's possible to see the light.
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John Shaw

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2011, 11:31:01 AM »

Yeah I caught some serious shit in school. Jr. High specifically. Grades 7,8, and 9 were pretty much hell.

The reason was vague. I guess I just looked like a target. I mean, I was a geek, but I never waved the flag you know?

No one at school knew I played D&D and video games (How soon people forget that *home* video games were considered pretty nerdy back in the day. Arcades were for the cool kids.) or read piles of kookys books or HAD A COMPUTER IN 1984. I kept that shit to myself.

But man, I caught some shit. Random punches to the back of the head in a crowd to grabbing and destroying my property in front of my face. One day in gym class I went to my locker and it was covered in spit. Got into trouble for not changing clothes and refusing to clean it up. Got beat on dozens of times on my walk home from school. I had three paths that I'd walk. One was across the street and through about ten acres of grass and woods. Five minute walk. The other two were walking all the way around the subdivision, about twenty minute walks. The five minute walk got me beat up so you can guess which ones I usually took.

SERIOUS SERIOUS BUSINESS AHEAD -

One day, after school, I was walking to a scout meeting. A kid from school who I knew in general but had little interaction with came up to me and started some shit out of nowhere. His name was Danny Campbell. He sorta started kicking my thighs, aiming at my knees. Said "I'm gonna kick your ass."

I finally lashed out and fought back. This would have been after six years of taking it on the chin from other random pricks. I took my Pac Man lunchbox (Was awesome) and slammed it into his face.

Kid must have been made out of glass. I flattened his nose, breaking it and causing one nostril to split off up the side about half an inch. Knocked out a tooth. Then he fell down and I punched his crotch... More than ten times as hard as I could. Got grabbed by several adults (School employees and parent volunteers) who witnessed what happened.

I got into serious trouble. The official story was that Danny was walking home and I attacked him. I was dragged into the school in front of the Principal and that was what he was told. He took me into his office and I told my story. My parents were brought in at this point. Danny was in the hospital I guess. I remember his face being completely covered in blood from forehead to chin and his screaming.

I don't know what the exchange was between the principal and my parents, but nothing was done to me as punishment. Nothing at home, nothing at school. My parents put me into counseling, which lasted about four months and was preceded by a psych eval.

Of course, it became clear to the counselor very quickly that I wasn't the problem person in the equation. All the testing showed that I was suffering at worst from what nowadays would be called "Oppositional defiant disorder" but back then they called "Chronic insubordinance", which are obviously made up code words for "Doesn't like to be bullied and expects a good reason before he complies." which is totally unacceptable in government schools.

This was also unfortunately when it was discovered that I was "Smart". My mother treated me like a fucking moron and told people that I was "Sensative" and "Special", so finding out that I was... "Smart" fucked up her world view. This started a few years of constant rage from her because my grades were always exactly what you'd expect from a kid who didn't give a fuck what other people thought.

I would get A's in classes that interested me and D's and F's in classes I didn't care about. I would literally get report cards like this-

Art - A+
Science - A+
Math - D
Gym - D-
English - A-
Social Studies - F

And pull off a 2.6 or 2.8 GPA. I got to hear speeches for years about "HE DOESN'T APPLY HIMSELF" and all I really wanted to say in response was "No, he just doesn't give a fuck." Luckily the teachers weren't trying to salvage my academic career and stopped punishing me for sitting quietly and reading a book rather than pay attention to their droning bullshit after a while. Sure, I wasn't obeying THE RULES, but I was usually quieter about it than other kids.

So yeah, public schools fucked me up. Not as much as my parents, but definitely in conjunction. If I had had a safe place outside of the house I'm sure I would have been a hundred times better off in the long run, emotionally.

I'd like to tell ya'll that smashing Danny's face made all the other kids take note and leave me alone, but the whole thing was pushed under the rug in the end and none of the kids ever knew about it, so shit didn't get better until the point where most of the kids who harassed me either dropped out or moved.

Once I got into high school it was a little better. You could join your own little clique and you were fairly safe. I turned into the kid who was in a bunch of groups. Mostly friends with the geeky crowd, but I did cross country track (All the way through) and swim team (Ditto) and wrestling (For one season) and was in choir (Look, had to fill a class spot and there were cool/hot chicks in the choir class alright?)

Worst bit in high school was when I asked to use the bathroom, and I went down and called my girlfriend from the payphone because she was home sick (She was also in a different high school). Just chatted for a few minutes to check in and give her some love. The teacher, Mr. Cummings, decided I had been gone too long and came looking for me. He was an english teacher but he was a muscle asshole bodybuilder type. Ex military. He picked me up off the floor and threw me into the stairwell area, which was enclosed by doors on both levels. Mind you, at the time, I was six-two and around 200 pounds and built like a brick shithouse. But I never would have struck back.

Anyway, he shoved me into the wall from about three feet away, and yanked me back and repeated that about five times while screaming at me and asking me who would believe my story if he just just up and beat the shit out of me. Mentioned that he knew how not to leave a mark. I told him that I was sure his boyfriend appreciated that and he proceeded to punch me in the stomach for what felt like hours. Then he tells me to go back to class. I did that day, but I never went back into that classroom. I would leave the building and go out to my car and read. He passed me with a D.

A few years ago he killed himself. It was mentioned in casual conversation with a bunch of old high school acquaintances. I alienated them with my response. Here's a paraphrase -

Chick - Hey, do you remember Mr. Cummings?

Me - Oh yeah. I hated that guy.

Chick - I guess he killed himself. He was at the school. Went out to the groundskeepers building and started all the lawnmowers up. I guess it didn't work because then he shot himself in the head.

Me - Good.

Chick - ... (Changes topic)

Anyway that was a mouthful. Short story - I CAN RELATE.
« Last Edit: December 20, 2011, 11:39:48 AM by John Shaw »
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BonerJoe

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2011, 01:07:29 PM »

lawd

Motherfuckers.
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Cognitive Dissident

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2011, 03:55:21 PM »

Damn.
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John Shaw

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2011, 04:21:33 PM »

I'll spare you the rest of it but I can tell ya'll probably another fifty stories like that about school and home.

If I did you'd prolly be amazed at how stable and mellow I actually am versus what I probably have the right to get away with given my experiences.

Let's just say this - If there were a god he'd fucking owe me at least seventeen years plus significant compounded interest.

Shit calmed down for me when I got my own place, after being kicked out of my father's house for not paying rent to his wife*. I was seventeen and just starting my senior year. Then I was the coolest guy in school. No one else had their own apartment and everyone wanted to chill at my place.

Rough times.


*Another story - I lived with my dad. His wife demanded that I pay $250 a month to live with them. Mind you I was in high school and the minimum wage was $3.85. I was making $5.50. I could only legally work 26 hours a week. I would bring home around $380 a month, leaving me $130 for gas, food, clothes, etc. (None of this was provided) Anyway, my mother was paying them child support on top of this. I don't want to get to into it but my parents both moved from "poor" to "very not poor" during the time after their divorce. My mother was paying my father four thousand dollars a month in child support. So when she heard about the rent thing, she started a bank account and handed me an ATM card. I was expected to pay my rent from that account and keep the money I earned for myself. When my step mother found out they kicked me out and threw out everything I owned apart from my computer and video games systems. I was handed my clothes in a garbage bag.
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Cognitive Dissident

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2011, 04:29:58 PM »

Sounds almost the reverse of the stereotype (with the child support, etc.)
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John Shaw

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2011, 04:38:57 PM »

Sounds almost the reverse of the stereotype (with the child support, etc.)

Yeah, too bad they weren't trying to teach me anything. It was pretty much all about my stepmother (And my father by proxy of course) wanting extra spending cash and wanting me to feel the hurt. The excuse was that they were "Teaching me to be responsible." but in reality I was just a fucking house slave.

Senior year was pretty rough. I ended up dropping out in February of my senior year and taking the GED less than a month later. Couldn't handle the work + school hours.

Then my disastrous but thankfully short lived stint in the military and on to college and three jerbs.

I tell people these a few of these sob stories when they bust my balls for having separated from my family, heh.
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Fred

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2011, 04:52:45 PM »

m
« Last Edit: December 21, 2011, 03:32:52 AM by Fred »
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Cognitive Dissident

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2011, 04:59:54 PM »

I always feel so lucky when people talk about family.  I didn't grow up in the Ozzie and Harriet family (to say the least), but at least I didn't get dumped on as a child.  In fact, they sent me to fairly conservative parochial schools where I also didn't get the stereotypical treatment.  I actually felt loved.  Other kids at school always bitched about their parents.  I did have "authority issues" and get picked on at school, but I chalk that mostly up to being a "teacher's kid."

There was plenty of dysfunction at home, but not the kind that gives you self-doubt or anger issues, that I'm aware of.  My parents argued incessantly, when they weren't apart that is, but I never personally felt abused.  My sister who was five years older, split when she was 19, I think to get away from the drunkenness and arguing.  Mostly, my Dad was an alcoholic, but didn't beat us and I never saw him hit my mother except once, after I moved out (and he got sent to jail on that occasion.)  She worked as a secretary and kept busy with a secretarial organization, and my dad didn't get really bad as an alcoholic until he retired from teaching, by which time I was old enough I didn't depend on them any more.  It was basically rent-free (but filthy--my dad was a hoarder) living--as far as I was concerned, I wanted to finish school before moving out, but I took my time getting through (engineering) school.  I lived in their house far too long, and finally left when I couldn't bring a girl home because it was shameful where I lived and she didn't want to have anything to do with me if I couldn't allow her in.

I never really reflected much on those aspects of my childhood.  I did my own thing to the best of my ability, and my parents were actually supportive of any degree of independence I showed.  Maybe that, in addition to getting fucked up by the cops a couple times, mostly for my mouth, is what pushed me to libertarianism.  I guess you could include participating in JROTC in high school.  I knew by my senior year I wanted nothing to do with the military (I wonder if they know it--at least sometimes--works the opposite of the way they intend.)
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anarchir

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #10 on: December 20, 2011, 11:50:29 PM »

You people are so similar to myself. I had similar experiences, am still as prone to deflecting what any authority says. I'm working on it though, especially at work.  You explained so well how I felt about school Shaw. I even had a similar situation with my grades where I would get A's if I felt like it but skim by on the classes I hated. I always took "the hardest classes" though because that is what I thought you were supposed to do. The advanced ones, physics, multiple classes in the same subject matter at once just to get them done quickly. By my senior year I had a schedule where I really didnt have to do any work. Just lazed around.  I also have seen plenty of blood in my life. More than I'd like to.

You people are so similar to myself.

I love you.
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John Shaw

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2011, 12:09:49 AM »

You people are so similar to myself. I had similar experiences, am still as prone to deflecting what any authority says. I'm working on it though, especially at work.  You explained so well how I felt about school Shaw. I even had a similar situation with my grades where I would get A's if I felt like it but skim by on the classes I hated. I always took "the hardest classes" though because that is what I thought you were supposed to do. The advanced ones, physics, multiple classes in the same subject matter at once just to get them done quickly. By my senior year I had a schedule where I really didnt have to do any work. Just lazed around.  I also have seen plenty of blood in my life. More than I'd like to.

You people are so similar to myself.

I love you.

You have to be one of the people directly injured and ground down by the system to see it for what it is. Most people go through their lives and rarely run afoul of the evil in the world. Evil hides well you know? Calls itself something else in most cases and works indirectly because evil is cowardly until it has enough power and ignorant confidence to think it can come out into the open. Then it invariably gets exposed for what it really is and runs away to hide again for a while.

As for taking advanced courses, I took a couple. The hardest two classes you could take at my high school were (This is gonna sound weird) Astronomy and Seminar in Science Fiction. Mind you I went to John Glenn High School. (Yes, the astronaut) We had one of the most expensive planetariums in the midwest. (I donno if that's true anymore) Astronomy counted as a two credit class (One math, one science) and was considered the hardest class to take in the whole school. Seminar in SciFi sounds like a blowoff class, which was the hook. It was the hardest english lit class you could take, and they let you roll credits from it into a couple of the local community colleges.

I took both and of course aced them. I think I managed a B+ in Seminar in SciFi but that was as high as he ever gave and openly admitted it. He used to say "I'll give you an 'A' when I see a signed contract with Del Rey or someone better."

Hard core motherfucker. One of only two teachers I actually liked.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2011, 12:11:22 AM by John Shaw »
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bbeljefe

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Re: Damaged Goods
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2012, 02:45:57 PM »

Wow. There are a lot of interesting posts in this thread. And, a lot of common threads in these posts. I had a lot of these same experiences, to varying degrees, with the primary exceptions of the family violence and abandonment/neglect.

I think there is a lot to be said for the notion that libertarians often become so as a result of personally experiencing state violence but, that can't possibly be the real reason. After all, anyone who's ever had a "legitimate" job or has purchased anything to speak of, has experience state theft. Likewise, anyone who's ever been through jury duty or who's stood in a courtroom answering a summons over a traffic violation, has seen the dysfunction of our criminal justice system. The thing is though, some people see it for what it is and some people don't. And you can rest assured that those who don't see it aren't a part of some exclusive crowd who has never experienced abuse or injustice in other parts of their lives.

In the end, it really has to do with how we process the negative influences in our lies. Some of us store them away and vow to never revisit them while others of us file them away as life lessons that, while they seemed evil, were actually good for us and still, others of us simply see them all as wrong and never stop searching for a way to right them. Not that we think we can change the past, mind you, but we seek to change the future so that no one else might suffer them.

Libertarians are, in my opinion, that last group. Some of us got our taste of evil from the family, some from the state schools and others from adult interaction with the state. Of course, there is also every combination of the above three, as well.

My point in this rambling is that it's not really accurate to presume that libertarians become so as a direct result of experiencing evil. Take for instance, a person who is raised and educated peacefully and who is deeply loved by his or her family. Using the above mentioned metric, it would be highly unlikely that this person would be a libertarian, at least not until later in life and then only by the happenstance of being abused by the state. I would argue that this person would naturally be a libertarian, because he was raised to respect property rights by means of having his property rights respected. There are myriad other reasons but, I don't want to write a novel on my first post and I'm sure you all get my point.

In closing, if you all want to stop the cycles of violence both in the family and by the state (and I'm sure you do), there is one simple rule you can follow to that end...

Don't hit or yell at your children.

One way to help get you into that modus operandi is to stop hitting and/or yelling at other adults.
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