I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day, ok. And I am never fucking quitting! ...........................
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time. I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies all the way around my neck. I'll be Tracheotomie Man! "He can smoke a pack at a time! He's Tracheotomie Man!"
I'm looking forward to cancer, man. I want that throat cancer. That's the best kind. You know why? You get that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing. Know what I'm talking about?
I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, God dammit! When it was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both, doc, Cuz I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"
Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the game. He had a voice box. He was the first American to have a voice box. Yeah! "[VB] This is Babe Ruth, the Sultan of Swat, the Bambino, I smoke twenty-five God damn cuban cigars a day. I had meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I fucked eighteen prostitutes a night! 'course, I'm dead now. I'm up here in heaven. Lou Gehrig is up here with me. God love Lou Gehrig. Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig. Died of Lou Gehrig's disease. How the hell did he not see that coming? You know. We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease with your name all over it, pal! There ain't no Babe Ruth disease, I'll tell you that much right now. Have a hot dog and a Hummer. Go ahead, it's on me."
Because we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We fucking tried. Okay? You wanted your own sections in the restaurants. We gave you that, huh. But that wasn't enough for you. Then you wanted the airplanes. We gave you the whole God damn plane! You happy now? You own the fucking plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks because I will guarantee you if the plane is going down, the first announcement you're gonna hear is, "Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Look, uhm, light 'em up, 'cause we're going down, okay. I got a carton of Camels non-filters, I'll see you on the ground. Take it easy."
Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We tried. But you just fucking badger us, you know? You won't leave us alone! You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us. "Well you know. Smoking takes ten years off your life." Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair kidney dialysis fucking years. You can have those years!
Because you're always telling us, "You know, every cigarette takes six minutes off your life. If you quit now you can live an extra ten years. If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years." Hey, I got two words for you, ok. Jim Fix. Remember Jim Fix? The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped out of a heart attack when? When he was fucking jogging, that's when! What do you wanna bet it was two smokers who found the body the next morning and went, "Hey! That's Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a fucking tragedy. Come on, lets go buy some butts."
It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother fuckers who get run over buy a bus drive by a guy who smokes three and a half packs a day. "Sorry officer, I didn't see him. I was too busy smoking
-Denis Leary