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Author Topic: Raccoons are assholes.  (Read 7307 times)

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John Shaw

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Raccoons are assholes.
« on: October 11, 2010, 08:04:12 AM »

Mel tries to go to work, and this fuzzy prick was sitting on the porch, barring her way. Then Charlie the cat tries to run outside (Like he does) and asshole raccoon yells at him. :-(

Charlie ran back inside.

Mel ran back inside.

John has to get out of fuckin' bed and discuss the issue with Mr. Asshole Raccoon.

Mr. Asshole Raccoon is both truculent and obstinate. Yelling at him doesn't work. ("Fuck off, raccoon!" was particularly ineffective.) Using a utility reacher to grab and shove him makes him hiss and bat at it. Thankfully I know the M.O. of these pricks, so I just flip the lights on by the front door and shine a flashlight in his face from the window. Apparently flashlights are more annoying than a poke with a metal rod, and he waddles off.

I go back and lay down, hero of the morning. I even got extra hugs and a kiss in spite of morning breath for defeating the beast.

Mel tries to leave, and the fucker is back, sitting on the first stair. I hear "YOU ASSHOLE! IMMA SHOOT YOU!" from outside.

Time to get up again.

I got a bucket and filled it with very warm water. On impulse and out of spite I snatched a red Kool Aid packet and dumped it into the bucket, too. (I was pissed)

Mr. Asshole Raccoon is no longer dry, and has taken on a pinkish hue. He also left. The funniest thing is that he used the front walk. He hopped down the stairs, walked along the gravel walk, and walked right down the driveway. Then he looked both ways and crossed the road, into the woods.

Raccoons are assholes.  
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tranced

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2010, 09:16:08 AM »

My lab/rottie mutt has trapped and killed two of them so far.  It'll be interesting to see what happens to their population around my neighborhood when the boerboel grows up and starts patrolling the yard.
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Evil Muppet

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2010, 09:48:56 AM »

You couldn't shoot him? 
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mikehz

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2010, 10:14:38 AM »

The fact that he "looked both ways" before crossing the road shows that raccoons are smarter than deer.

They can be vicious critters.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrhN2vFHsTk

They will kill a cat, I know.
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John Shaw

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2010, 11:03:26 AM »

The fact that he "looked both ways" before crossing the road shows that raccoons are smarter than deer.

They can be vicious critters.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrhN2vFHsTk

They will kill a cat, I know.

Our kittehs are indoor, so they're safe. They get to go out for a couple minutes at a time, with supervision, and only during the day.

The raccoon was our fault anyhow for putting a bag of garbage on the porch last night. I was just too lazy to walk it the 80 feet to the can.

Would have been better, considering that the entire porch is covered in trash now.
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BonerJoe

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2010, 11:41:00 AM »

Damn coons.
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Rillion

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2010, 01:14:34 PM »

I like that you told this rather like a children's story.  Well, albeit with profanity. 

The Koolaid packet was a nice touch.  He can grumpily sit in the woods and lick himself, maybe get a sugar high in the process. 
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davann

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2010, 01:28:14 PM »

I'd have shot it. Racoons can carry rabies. Had a friend bit by one. Those rounds of shots in the gut is enough for me to start shooting first. Plus, they will go after cats.
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John Shaw

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2010, 02:23:14 PM »

The Koolaid packet was a nice touch.  He can grumpily sit in the woods and lick himself, maybe get a sugar high in the process. 

Nah, this is the old school style Kool Aid. No sugar. S'gonna taste like nasty sour ass.
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2010, 02:35:43 PM »

The Koolaid packet was a nice touch.  He can grumpily sit in the woods and lick himself, maybe get a sugar high in the process.  

Nah, this is the old school style Kool Aid. No sugar. S'gonna taste like nasty sour ass.

Next time(assuming time allows), put some maple syrup  in the mix............ lil'  fucker will be cleaning up for WEEKS. 8)
« Last Edit: October 11, 2010, 03:15:11 PM by quickmike »
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anarchir

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2010, 04:53:18 PM »

I would have shot it. The rabies thing is serious, and if it really doesn't run away from you like that then it is a legitimate threat. I grew up on a farm where my dog killed a raccoon and cornered a few more for the gun (good girl). My father bought a rifle specifically so that he wouldn't have to use a shotgun to fire into a live trap that had a raccoon in it (the shotgun damaged the trap).
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Cognitive Dissident

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2010, 07:42:02 PM »

I would have sprayed his ass with bear-strength pepper spray.
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blackie

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2010, 07:54:55 PM »

You shoulda made friends with it.
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Bill Brasky

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2010, 09:10:18 PM »

Years ago, my home office was in a back room with a bay window, looking out at the woods.  Right next to the back door.  About 2-3 in the morning I was sitting there getting fucked up, and a bunch of shit crashed against the window.  I just about shat my pants.  After I admonished myself for being a cunt, I went to investigate.  We had the garbage cans there, and a bunch of rakes and shovels between the cans.  Convenient place to stand them up. 

A humongous raccoon decided to knock it all over and pilfer the scraps, and was still in the act when I flicked the lights on.  This boy was BIG, like a fire hydrant with legs and fur.  I was legitimately afraid of it.  I pounded on the inside of the door to frighten him off, he didn't care. 

So I went and got a kitchen chair and bum-rushed him on the patio, like a lion tamer.  He ran up into the woods, and then sat in the shadows and chittered at me. 

The stuff hitting the window was all the broom handles.  The garbage had to go into a outside utility closet after that, which sucked because it would get blast-furnace hot in there and make the garbage reek. 
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AOD_Horseman

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Re: Raccoons are assholes.
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2010, 09:18:26 PM »

I enjoyed the tale. Raccoons are indeed assholes.

I had a cat that would actually go out in the woods and beat up two or three at a time. Saw it happen once, pretty impressive. He'd come home spattered with blood that wasn't his.
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