The Free Talk Live BBS
Free Talk Live => General => Topic started by: John Shaw on October 11, 2010, 08:04:12 AM
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Mel tries to go to work, and this fuzzy prick was sitting on the porch, barring her way. Then Charlie the cat tries to run outside (Like he does) and asshole raccoon yells at him. :-(
Charlie ran back inside.
Mel ran back inside.
John has to get out of fuckin' bed and discuss the issue with Mr. Asshole Raccoon.
Mr. Asshole Raccoon is both truculent and obstinate. Yelling at him doesn't work. ("Fuck off, raccoon!" was particularly ineffective.) Using a utility reacher to grab and shove him makes him hiss and bat at it. Thankfully I know the M.O. of these pricks, so I just flip the lights on by the front door and shine a flashlight in his face from the window. Apparently flashlights are more annoying than a poke with a metal rod, and he waddles off.
I go back and lay down, hero of the morning. I even got extra hugs and a kiss in spite of morning breath for defeating the beast.
Mel tries to leave, and the fucker is back, sitting on the first stair. I hear "YOU ASSHOLE! IMMA SHOOT YOU!" from outside.
Time to get up again.
I got a bucket and filled it with very warm water. On impulse and out of spite I snatched a red Kool Aid packet and dumped it into the bucket, too. (I was pissed)
Mr. Asshole Raccoon is no longer dry, and has taken on a pinkish hue. He also left. The funniest thing is that he used the front walk. He hopped down the stairs, walked along the gravel walk, and walked right down the driveway. Then he looked both ways and crossed the road, into the woods.
Raccoons are assholes.
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My lab/rottie mutt has trapped and killed two of them so far. It'll be interesting to see what happens to their population around my neighborhood when the boerboel grows up and starts patrolling the yard.
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You couldn't shoot him?
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The fact that he "looked both ways" before crossing the road shows that raccoons are smarter than deer.
They can be vicious critters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrhN2vFHsTk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrhN2vFHsTk)
They will kill a cat, I know.
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The fact that he "looked both ways" before crossing the road shows that raccoons are smarter than deer.
They can be vicious critters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrhN2vFHsTk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrhN2vFHsTk)
They will kill a cat, I know.
Our kittehs are indoor, so they're safe. They get to go out for a couple minutes at a time, with supervision, and only during the day.
The raccoon was our fault anyhow for putting a bag of garbage on the porch last night. I was just too lazy to walk it the 80 feet to the can.
Would have been better, considering that the entire porch is covered in trash now.
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Damn coons.
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I like that you told this rather like a children's story. Well, albeit with profanity.
The Koolaid packet was a nice touch. He can grumpily sit in the woods and lick himself, maybe get a sugar high in the process.
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I'd have shot it. Racoons can carry rabies. Had a friend bit by one. Those rounds of shots in the gut is enough for me to start shooting first. Plus, they will go after cats.
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The Koolaid packet was a nice touch. He can grumpily sit in the woods and lick himself, maybe get a sugar high in the process.
Nah, this is the old school style Kool Aid. No sugar. S'gonna taste like nasty sour ass.
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The Koolaid packet was a nice touch. He can grumpily sit in the woods and lick himself, maybe get a sugar high in the process.
Nah, this is the old school style Kool Aid. No sugar. S'gonna taste like nasty sour ass.
Next time(assuming time allows), put some maple syrup in the mix............ lil' fucker will be cleaning up for WEEKS. 8)
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I would have shot it. The rabies thing is serious, and if it really doesn't run away from you like that then it is a legitimate threat. I grew up on a farm where my dog killed a raccoon and cornered a few more for the gun (good girl). My father bought a rifle specifically so that he wouldn't have to use a shotgun to fire into a live trap that had a raccoon in it (the shotgun damaged the trap).
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I would have sprayed his ass with bear-strength pepper spray.
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You shoulda made friends with it.
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Years ago, my home office was in a back room with a bay window, looking out at the woods. Right next to the back door. About 2-3 in the morning I was sitting there getting fucked up, and a bunch of shit crashed against the window. I just about shat my pants. After I admonished myself for being a cunt, I went to investigate. We had the garbage cans there, and a bunch of rakes and shovels between the cans. Convenient place to stand them up.
A humongous raccoon decided to knock it all over and pilfer the scraps, and was still in the act when I flicked the lights on. This boy was BIG, like a fire hydrant with legs and fur. I was legitimately afraid of it. I pounded on the inside of the door to frighten him off, he didn't care.
So I went and got a kitchen chair and bum-rushed him on the patio, like a lion tamer. He ran up into the woods, and then sat in the shadows and chittered at me.
The stuff hitting the window was all the broom handles. The garbage had to go into a outside utility closet after that, which sucked because it would get blast-furnace hot in there and make the garbage reek.
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I enjoyed the tale. Raccoons are indeed assholes.
I had a cat that would actually go out in the woods and beat up two or three at a time. Saw it happen once, pretty impressive. He'd come home spattered with blood that wasn't his.
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which sucked because it would get blast-furnace hot in there and make the garbage reek.
Not as hot as a coal-fired blast furnace, though.
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Bitches dont know bout my tiger light....
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you want asshole?
porcupines
fuckers have NO LEGITIMATE PURPOSE on this planet...
how do they fuck, for chrissakes?
our stupid rat-dog (dachsund (sp?) dunno...don care)
has @ 12 under his belt............
he never fucking wins.
it's a loss leader w/ these fucking things, unless you have thumbs & guns
i shot the first one he got into as a pup.....a mother up a tree.
big bald spot on her back from the last hapless fuck.
3 shots w/ a 9mm
2 body shots & the bitch didn budge
head shot to drop her out the tree.
i figured, (patting myself on the back) ''we'll show them''
until a week later & i'm up in the woods chasing asshole dog & (w/ fl-lite off) hear dozens of scurrying fucks running off in the underbrush.......slooshing thru the fallen leaves..
& i had the revelation:
these fucking things are like the viet cong.
i could kill 20-a-day & not even make a fucking dent.
so, of course, i called westmoreland & macnamara........
we're gonna drop back & napalm/agent orange my entire hillside
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lol
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cats and dogs can carry rabies also, lets shoot everyone we see :D
I've seen foxes in my backyard the last 2 years, should I have shot them?
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which sucked because it would get blast-furnace hot in there and make the garbage reek.
Not as hot as a coal-fired blast furnace, though.
Thats right. Can't get hotter than coal.
Coal is as hot as hot gets.
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cats and dogs can carry rabies also, lets shoot everyone we see :D
I've seen foxes in my backyard the last 2 years, should I have shot them?
They run away and are elusive.
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I enjoyed the tale. Raccoons are indeed assholes.
I had a cat that would actually go out in the woods and beat up two or three at a time. Saw it happen once, pretty impressive. He'd come home spattered with blood that wasn't his.
What did you have a pet bobcat or something. Raccoons are tough strong little fuckers and tend to be stronger than cats usually.
A friend of mine lost 4 laying hens to one last month.
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how do they fuck, for chrissakes?
...I don't know. This question will haunt my day.
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you want asshole?
porcupines
fuckers have NO LEGITIMATE PURPOSE on this planet...
how do they fuck, for chrissakes?
our stupid rat-dog (dachsund (sp?) dunno...don care)
has @ 12 under his belt............
he never fucking wins.
it's a loss leader w/ these fucking things, unless you have thumbs & guns
i shot the first one he got into as a pup.....a mother up a tree.
big bald spot on her back from the last hapless fuck.
3 shots w/ a 9mm
2 body shots & the bitch didn budge
head shot to drop her out the tree.
i figured, (patting myself on the back) ''we'll show them''
until a week later & i'm up in the woods chasing asshole dog & (w/ fl-lite off) hear dozens of scurrying fucks running off in the underbrush.......slooshing thru the fallen leaves..
& i had the revelation:
these fucking things are like the viet cong.
i could kill 20-a-day & not even make a fucking dent.
so, of course, i called westmoreland & macnamara........
we're gonna drop back & napalm/agent orange my entire hillside
I once heard a vet say, after a buddy's dog tangled with it's third porcupine, that often dogs go after them seeking revenge for the first time they got a mouthful of quills. It never works.
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how do they fuck, for chrissakes?
...I don't know. This question will haunt my day.
Day haunted no more. Obviously they do it missionary style. This makes porcupines the holiest of all the animals in the animal kingdom. :wink:
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how do they fuck, for chrissakes?
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/732/how-do-porcupines-mate
Porcupine sex is not the exercise in S&M you might imagine but it does have its kinky aspects. I quote from Roze: "Perhaps the strangest aspect of the interaction is male urine-hosing of the female. The male approaches on his hind legs and tail, grunting in a low tone. His penis springs erect. He then becomes a urine cannon, squirting high-pressure jets of urine at the female. Everything suggests the urine is fired by ejaculation, not released by normal bladder pressure.... In less than a minute, a female may be thoroughly wetted from nose to tail."
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I'v wondered, would those noise fence devices that work for dogs also work on vermin like raccoons or skunks?
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I'v wondered, would those noise fence devices that work for dogs also work on vermin like raccoons or skunks?
Wouldn't that be against pacifism?
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I'v wondered, would those noise fence devices that work for dogs also work on vermin like raccoons or skunks?
Doesn't that only work on dogs wearing a special collar?
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how do they fuck, for chrissakes?
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/732/how-do-porcupines-mate
Porcupine sex is not the exercise in S&M you might imagine but it does have its kinky aspects. I quote from Roze: "Perhaps the strangest aspect of the interaction is male urine-hosing of the female. The male approaches on his hind legs and tail, grunting in a low tone. His penis springs erect. He then becomes a urine cannon, squirting high-pressure jets of urine at the female. Everything suggests the urine is fired by ejaculation, not released by normal bladder pressure.... In less than a minute, a female may be thoroughly wetted from nose to tail."
Yeah, but that's not the sex part. This is:
If the female decides now is the time, she hoists up her rump a bit and raises her tail, the underside of which is quill-less, and curves it up over her back, covering the quills thereon and exposing her genitalia. The male then approaches in a gingerly manner from the rear, walking on his hind legs and taking care to touch nothing with his forepaws but the safe part of the tail. The relevant apparatus having been lined up, docking occurs, followed by "violent orgasm" as the male unloads a year's worth of jism. The act lasts 2-5 minutes and may be repeated several times during the half-day window of opportunity.
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I'v wondered, would those noise fence devices that work for dogs also work on vermin like raccoons or skunks?
Doesn't that only work on dogs wearing a special collar?
Those shock the animal. I know nothing of these noise fences.
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Those shock the animal. I know nothing of these noise fences.
Me neither. If an animal makes it through one of those fences, does that mean he's broken the sound barrier?
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I'v wondered, would those noise fence devices that work for dogs also work on vermin like raccoons or skunks?
Doesn't that only work on dogs wearing a special collar?
Those shock the animal. I know nothing of these noise fences.
Noise fences are often used in conjunction with shock collars. The idea is to get the dog to associate the beeping collar with getting shocked if it keeps going towards the line. I used a shocker on my dog for a little while with an audible "beep" sound that would go off a second before the shock happens. Now, all it takes is the sound of my voice to stop him from running off after some wild creature. He associates "stop!!" with the beep and remembers what happens if he disregards the beep. Fucker has been within inches of getting his ass flattened by cars more than a few times when running after a chipmunk or cat, so for me it was a good trade off for looking like a statist prick using shock treatment on him.
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I'v wondered, would those noise fence devices that work for dogs also work on vermin like raccoons or skunks?
Doesn't that only work on dogs wearing a special collar?
Those shock the animal. I know nothing of these noise fences.
Noise fences are often used in conjunction with shock collars. The idea is to get the dog to associate the beeping collar with getting shocked if it keeps going towards the line. I used a shocker on my dog for a little while with an audible "beep" sound that would go off a second before the shock happens. Now, all it takes is the sound of my voice to stop him from running off after some wild creature. He associates "stop!!" with the beep and remembers what happens if he disregards the beep. Fucker has been within inches of getting his ass flattened by cars more than a few times when running after a chipmunk or cat, so for me it was a good trade off for looking like a statist prick using shock treatment on him.
Dogs like you being a statist. The bigger the statist you are the more loyal they become, unless they have rabies. Then you should just shoot it along with the neighbor’s cat and any nearby raccoons or porcupines (the N.H. variety) just to be safe.