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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109397 times)

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alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #375 on: June 18, 2011, 04:43:40 PM »

See? You can refere to minorities in a civil manner.

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #376 on: June 22, 2011, 06:56:59 PM »

Alright guys, come on lets lighten the mood.  This forum has been pretty sad since that guy torched himself, and I think we can liven it up in here by focusing on positive things we can do to enjoy our lives.  I'll start:

I have always wanted to go to a nudist beach but i am always afraid that I will stick out.
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anarchir

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #377 on: June 22, 2011, 08:00:10 PM »

teehee
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #378 on: June 22, 2011, 08:23:08 PM »

I think we can liven it up in here by focusing on positive things we can do to enjoy our lives.  I'll start:

I have always wanted to go to a nudist beach but i am always afraid that I will stick out.

till a negroe walks up & says,
''what the fuck, whitey.....that all you got''?
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alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #379 on: June 22, 2011, 11:59:08 PM »

Jews are usually pretty big too I hear.

Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #380 on: June 23, 2011, 02:07:20 AM »

Jews are usually pretty big too I hear.


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alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #381 on: June 23, 2011, 08:01:22 AM »


More ways than that to please a lady, chocolate Rabi.
« Last Edit: June 23, 2011, 08:04:53 AM by alaric89 »
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #382 on: June 23, 2011, 10:04:57 AM »


More ways than that to please a lady, chocolate Rabi.

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alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #383 on: June 23, 2011, 12:35:46 PM »


Hey, leave our well hung black Jewish pal alone. When are Bobby and Jack coming with the hot dames? Promised them a meeting with Marilyn....

alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #384 on: June 25, 2011, 04:29:48 PM »


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An easily understandable explanation of derivative markets.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed in a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic Vice President at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets, and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and her eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

Suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with not only having to write off her bad debt but also with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations. Her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses, and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar, no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in the Federal Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

 

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #385 on: June 30, 2011, 08:19:40 AM »

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
    *
    *'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
    *
    *We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back
    fence and I made love to you.'

    'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'*

    *'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we
    can do it for old time's sake?'
    *
    *'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
    and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
    see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
    *
    *I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
    *
    *So he follows them.
    *
    *The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
    support aided by walking sticks.
    *
    *Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence*
     
    *The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
    *
    *As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in....
    *
     
    *Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
    policeman has ever seen**.*
     
    *This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
    noises and moaning and screaming.*
     
    *Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed.
    *
    *He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,* *the
    old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
    *
    *The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is
    truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
    *
    *'Excuse me, but that was something else.
    * *You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort
    of secret to this?'

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
    wasn't an electric fence.'*
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #386 on: July 04, 2011, 03:42:37 PM »

My son is really into the channel "Animal Planet" on the TV here lately. Anyway I found this interesting.
Q. What is a polar bear looking for after he is finished swimming from one iceberg to another?



A. His testicles.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2011, 09:45:59 AM by alaric89 »
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #387 on: July 30, 2011, 12:35:49 PM »

Woman can fake orgasms but men can fake relationships.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #388 on: August 19, 2011, 11:00:57 PM »

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
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Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #389 on: October 15, 2011, 05:41:44 PM »

so precious!  You're a lucky man Al!
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