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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 110628 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #345 on: May 12, 2011, 08:35:05 PM »

A Dark And Stormy Night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:


 

"Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #346 on: May 13, 2011, 08:53:23 PM »

A high school couple's in the movies.

The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum."

He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat."
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #347 on: May 13, 2011, 08:56:24 PM »

hey nigs.
i jut invented this joke

you momma's pussy so big & deep, they done give up on the seven brazillians down there.


i'ma fuckin' tradmark this motherfucker
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #348 on: May 13, 2011, 09:21:33 PM »

hey nigs.
i jut invented this joke

you momma's pussy so big & deep, they done give up on the seven brazillians down there.


i'ma fuckin' tradmark this motherfucker

I'll give ya 50 27 cents for it.

Cash money.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2011, 09:45:22 PM by quickmike »
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #349 on: May 13, 2011, 10:06:57 PM »

hey nigs.
i jut invented this joke

you momma's pussy so big & deep, they done give up on the seven brazillians down there.


i'ma fuckin' tradmark this motherfucker

I'll give ya 50 27 cents for it.

Cash money.



suck my momma's cock
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #350 on: May 13, 2011, 10:29:06 PM »

The one in her snatch, or the one thats been double-parked on her ass for an hour?

Gotta be specify that shit for me, on a count I aint too smart.
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #351 on: May 13, 2011, 10:32:16 PM »

i finally found the the perfect girl
i could not ask for more
she's deaf & dumb & oversexed
and owns a liquor store
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anarchir

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #352 on: May 14, 2011, 04:26:22 AM »

A Dark And Stormy Night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:


 

"Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Why did bob die?
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Diogenes The Cynic

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #353 on: May 15, 2011, 12:17:52 AM »

http://www.boingboing.net/2010/12/05/irate-cash4gold-lett.html


Don't wanna bother embedding it, but that's hilarious.

You can also see the kids hands as he takes a pic with his camera-phone.
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #354 on: May 17, 2011, 03:18:31 PM »

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.

2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

4. Sing Along At The Opera.

5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.

6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #355 on: May 17, 2011, 03:43:34 PM »

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.



I actually did this to a jeweler friend of mine when I had to send him a 1,200.00 check for some silver bars I bought off of him a while back. I put "Big bag of weed" in the memo.


He laughed about it but deposited it, no questions asked.
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Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #356 on: May 20, 2011, 05:25:56 PM »

We are in trouble...
 
                        The
                        population of this country is 300 million.
 
                        160
                        million are retired.
 
                        That leaves 140 million to do the
                        work.
 
                        There are 85 million in school. 
 
                        Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
 
                        Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
                        government. 
 
                        Leaving 20 million to do the work. 
 
                        2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
                        with killing Osama
                        Bin-Laden.
 
                        Which leaves 17.2
                        million to do the work. 
 
                        Take from that total the 15.8
                        million people who work for state and city
                        Governments. And that
                        leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
 
 
                        At any given
                        time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. 
                        Leaving
                        1,212,000 to do the work.
 
                        Now, there are 1,211,998 people
                        in prisons. 
 
                        That leaves just two people to do the
                        work. 
 
                        You and me. 
 
                        And there
                        you are, 
 
                        Sitting on your ass,
 
                        At your computer, reading jokes..
 
                        Nice.   Real nice.
 
 
 
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Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #357 on: May 29, 2011, 10:45:30 AM »

The Whitehouse Bed

                  One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.  Barack asks him,
"George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

                  "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,"
Washington advises, then fades away.

                  The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.  Obama calls out,
"Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

                  "Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises,
and dims from sight.

                  Barack isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees
another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe,
what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country? Obama
pleads.

                  Abe replies: "Go see a play".
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Bill Brasky

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #358 on: June 01, 2011, 12:55:10 AM »

John Kerry walks into a bar. 

The horse says "woah".

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Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #359 on: June 06, 2011, 03:03:38 AM »

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzbURUrgQao&feature=related[/youtube]
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