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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109581 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #255 on: December 14, 2010, 01:25:38 PM »

A  young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man.

"I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted. 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry "
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #256 on: December 15, 2010, 04:52:52 PM »

A Scottish man in Calgary calls his son in Regina the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams..

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Stoughton and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like #$^% they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Calgary immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #257 on: December 16, 2010, 02:39:39 PM »

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
 
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants  a Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This is rather  awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy  her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong  sex drive."
 
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
 
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #258 on: December 19, 2010, 11:42:32 PM »

There were two county workers standing along side the road, leaning on their shovels talking to each other. The first worker saw a slug on the ground, he took his snovel and choped it up. The other worker asked why he did that, the first county worker said: "He has been following us all day."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #259 on: December 20, 2010, 11:18:39 AM »

Two Florida rednecks are out hunting, and as they are  walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.  The  first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom.  I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says,”I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.  They are  standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.   As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head  first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The  first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

The old farmer said, “That’s impossible….  …I had him chained to an old transmission!”
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #260 on: December 22, 2010, 12:46:31 AM »

Feel free to add your own bad jokes to this extensive list
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #261 on: December 29, 2010, 02:35:22 PM »

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Yeah just kidding  :lol:
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #262 on: December 30, 2010, 04:24:29 PM »

Feel free to add your own bad jokes to this extensive list

I really enjoy yours, every time I check in.  I don't have a lot of jokes myself. 
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bobbysan

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #263 on: December 30, 2010, 04:52:52 PM »

This pirate went to his new doctor and upon seeing the old salt, the doctor said, "Hey, I haven't seen you before. What happened? You look terrible."


"Arrrr...What do you mean, sonny boy?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg?"

"Aye...We was in a battle see, and I got grazed by a cannon ball and the leg turned black with gangrene, so them boogers had to chop me leg off! but I'm fine now."

"OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"Aye... We was In another battle, see... I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand
was badly slashed and bleeding. It couldn't be saved so they chopped me hand off and I got fitted with a hook. But now, I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Well, it's like this me boy.... We had just set out to sea one day and I was enjoying a sunny day in the crow's nest. I was watching a flock of birds as they flew overhead, and one of them pooped in me eye."


"You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird poop?"


"Arrrr..., it was me first day with me hook."
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The sweet pretty things are in bed now of course\The city fathers they’re trying to endorse\The reincarnation of Paul Revere’s horse\But the town has no need to be nervous

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #264 on: December 31, 2010, 09:22:04 PM »

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,
reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I
should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and
partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing
fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,
full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,
knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid
them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am, all done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling,
holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #265 on: December 31, 2010, 10:12:38 PM »

 :)
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anarchir

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #266 on: January 01, 2011, 12:31:52 AM »

Those last couple were rather good LOL

Heres my corney one I read (remember I'm a cook).

How does Lady Gaga like her steak cooked?

                                                                       Raw Raw, Raw Raw Raw Raw
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #267 on: January 05, 2011, 03:16:28 PM »

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says,
"I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how government works.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #268 on: January 05, 2011, 03:27:33 PM »

The Mrs. was watching a cooking show the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She looked at me and said, "You watch porn dont you?"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #269 on: January 05, 2011, 03:33:32 PM »

:)
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