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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109207 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #210 on: July 27, 2010, 08:46:05 PM »

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so  he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a  couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the  confessional for a few
suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your  arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand ...and try  saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go
on,' and 'I  understand.'..."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one  hand and repeats
all the suggested remarks to the old priest. 

The old priest says,... "Now,  don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your  knee and saying, 'No crap ? What happened  next'?"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #211 on: July 28, 2010, 05:33:26 AM »

donut from a bowel

Nice, even if you didn't do it on purpose.

Yep, it was a typo there Beavis, meant to type "box".
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YixilTesiphon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #212 on: July 28, 2010, 09:28:30 AM »

donut from a bowel

Nice, even if you didn't do it on purpose.

Yep, it was a typo there Beavis, meant to type "box".

Yeah...that was dumb of me. Got out of the hospital yesterday after a day with no food or sleep.
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And their kids were hippie chicks - all hypocrites.

Diogenes The Cynic

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #213 on: July 28, 2010, 02:04:52 PM »

I don't get a nickname?

You don't need one. You're a joke in your own right.
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I am looking for an honest man. -Diogenes The Cynic

Dude, I thought you were a spambot for like a week. You posted like a spambot. You failed the Turing test.

                                -Dennis Goddard

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #214 on: July 29, 2010, 08:13:45 PM »

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said -- "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. 
-------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly -- As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say -- Look, he's moving!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of  Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord -- "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute.
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
'The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what -- Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied --"Take the poison!"
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #215 on: July 29, 2010, 08:53:53 PM »

North Dakota has nothing.  Hell, you are not even allowed to kill flys in ND, (it's their state bird.)  They have fences around all the High School Football fields (to keep the cheerleaders from grazing).

And at Basketball games the cheerleaders aren't allowed to do splits (because they keep sticking to the floor)

It not really windy in Montana, it's just that ND sucks!
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #216 on: August 14, 2010, 11:23:46 AM »

ZEN    Teachings



1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just leave me alone.

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


3.  No one is listening until you fart.

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 
 5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

 6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
 
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 
12. Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

ForumTroll

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #217 on: August 14, 2010, 11:35:04 AM »

I just applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets
at various heights and windows all over the place and a
loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 old cars and I was going
to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim.

The City Council/Building Dept. told me to f*%! off.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a

Mosque.



......Work starts on Monday...
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #218 on: August 14, 2010, 07:08:08 PM »

lol good one.

Here's another:

Men are Honest - even if they have to lie.

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)
If a lady is reading this article then I hope she has a sense of humour !

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE ."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jolie, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #219 on: August 14, 2010, 07:14:15 PM »

AAAAA The Organization for Drunk Drivers

ADIDAS All Day I Dream About Sex

AMC Ain't My Car

AOL Anti On-Line

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

ARMY Ain't a Real Marine Yet

BASIC Bill 's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

BMW Big Money Waste

BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

CHEVROLET Cracked Head, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rattle on Long Extended Trips

COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

COMPUTER Capable Of Making Perfectly Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous

DAM Mothers Against Dyslexia
DELTA Doesn't Even Leave The Airport

DODGE Drips Oil, Drips Grease Everywhere

DOS Defunct Operating System

DNA National Dyslexic Association

DUMBO Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass

FIAT Fix It Again, Tony

FIAT Funny Italian Attempt at Technology

FORD First On Race Day
FORD Found On Road, Dead )

FORD Fix Or Repair Dail

GMC Gotta Mechanic Coming!

HONDA Hold On, Not Done Accelerating!

IBM I Blame Microsoft

IBM I Bought Macintosh

IPOD Ignoring Present Obscene Demand

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

JFGI Just F*@&ing Google It

LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

LOTUS Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious

LOVE Loss Of Valuable Energy (

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash, If Not The Operating System Hangs

MARINE Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected

MARINE My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment

MCSE Minesweeper Consultant & Solitaire Expert

MCSE Must Consult Someone Experienced

MCSE Making Computers Slow Everyday

MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

MIPS Mistakes Incurred Per Second

MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

MIPS Meaningless Information Purveyed by Salesmen

MOPAR Mostly Old Parts and Rusted

NASCAR Numerous A***holes Simultaneously Circling Around Rednecks 

NASCAR Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

NASCAR Not All Southerners Care About Racing 

NAVY Never Again Volunteer Yourself 

NTSC Never The Same Color

OS/2 Obsolete Soon Too

PASCAL Pedantry And Strictness Created A Language

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PEBCAK Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard [user failure / user error]

PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

PMS Pack My Suitcase

PMS Please Make it Stop!

PMS Pass My Shotgun

PMS Potential Murder Suspect

PMS Psychotic Mood Shift

PMS Punish Men Severly

PMS Purchase More Shoes 

PONTIAC Poor Old Nutjob Thinks It's A Cadillac 

POTS Plain Old Telephone System

RENAULT Repair Ever Needed, Always Useless, Lotsa Trouble 

RISC Reduced Into Silly Code

RTFM Read The F*@&ing Manual

SCSI System Can't See It

SCSI-2 System Can't See It Again

SNMP Security Not My Problem

SOS Save Our Sausages

SUBARU Still Usable, But All Rusty Underneath

TLA Three Letter Acronym

TOYOTA The One You Ought To Avoid

TOYOTA Too Often Yankee Overpriced, This Auto

US ARMY Uncle Same Ain't Released Me Yet

USMC Uncle Sam's Misguided Children

USAF U Sure Are F^@#ed

WIIFM What's In It For Me?)

WINDOWS Wonderful Interface No Dos User Would Sanction

WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WYBMABIITY Will You Buy Me A Beer If I Tell You [when people ask what that acronym stands for]

YAMAHA Your ass, my ass, haul ass! (
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #220 on: August 14, 2010, 07:20:54 PM »

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jolie, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"

Okay, that did make me laugh.   :lol:
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #221 on: August 17, 2010, 04:10:22 PM »

I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate.  Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn'tovercome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.  She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #222 on: August 17, 2010, 04:15:43 PM »

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Bob?"


 A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.


 A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you."
 The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-guy."

A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!"
The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street.
 The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago."
The string answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."


 Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour one for yourself too."
 Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later, he buys another round for everyone including the bartender.
He orders a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third."
The generous guy says, "Money? I don't have any money." The bartender kicks the crap out of him and throws him into the street.
 A few minutes later he comes back in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. You get nasty when you're drunk."
 

 Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.
The bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that ape?"
 Guy says, "This isn't an ape, it's a duck".
Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

 

 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"

 

 A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and charges him $50.
The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60.
 Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here."
 The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder."
 
 

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said "I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog."
The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"


A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
      "How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.
      "No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."
 
So the bartender gives him the two drinks.  He drinks them while alternately
sipping from each glass.  This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a
week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver.

One day he comes in and orders only one drink.
      "Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.
      "No.  My doctor told me to stop drinking."
 
 

     Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
 
 

A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and into Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a
     double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking
     this with what I've got."
 
     The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"
     "Two nickles and a dime" said the patient.
 
 


     Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?
 
 

     A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
 
 

So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

     Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar.


A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

     The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

     The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

     The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

     The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

     The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
     MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

     With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

     The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

     The bartender, puzzled, said no.

     The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
 
 

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

     The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck,
     goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

     The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."
 

A chicken walks into a bar.
     The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
     The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."
 
 

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
     Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
     "May I please have a drink?"
     "What? You have to speak up!"
     "Could I please have a drink?"
     "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
     "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
 
 

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
     "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
 
 

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
     The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
     "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
     "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
 
 

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal
     looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
 
 


This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bar tender finally opens the door.
 Bar tender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demands a beer. The bar tender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bar tender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away.

     A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again.
 The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
 
 

Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
     Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
 
 

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
 

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
     One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
     The other says 'Are you sure?'
     The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
     One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #223 on: August 17, 2010, 04:16:26 PM »

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another Monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.

To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the snot out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.  The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs OR even why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. Finally, after replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know, that is the way it has always been done around here.

And that, my fellow monkeys, is how Congress operates - And precisely why we need to REPLACE all the original monkeys this November.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #224 on: August 17, 2010, 04:17:22 PM »

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
"Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.. Today I only get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
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