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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109203 times)

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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #195 on: July 18, 2010, 10:51:54 PM »

I likes that one  :lol:
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zeff

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #196 on: July 18, 2010, 11:30:40 PM »

hahaha these jokes are makin me LOL
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #197 on: July 19, 2010, 07:13:35 AM »

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some POTATOES."

WHACK!,THE MOTHER HIT HIM. He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be POTATOES."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #198 on: July 20, 2010, 01:33:27 AM »

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #199 on: July 23, 2010, 02:59:27 PM »

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.  One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.  'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.  He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.  'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

 

 

 


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #200 on: July 24, 2010, 12:19:35 PM »

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

The Green Bastard

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #201 on: July 24, 2010, 11:56:12 PM »

So a walrus was eating an ice cream cone while driving his car down the freeway when all of a sudden the car starts sputtering and making all kinds of racket. The noise and rattling is so violent that it causes the walrus to drop his ice cream cone, spilling ice cream all the way down his face and chest. He pulls in to the nearest mechanic's shop and turns the car off. He gets out of the car, which by this point is dripping oil all over the pavement.

The mechanic walks up to the walrus and says, "Hey, it looks like you just blew a seal." To which the walrus responds, "No, that's just ice cream."




Dang... this one doesn't sound as funny in type. It usually goes down well if you draw the story out for about 5 minutes so most of the audience forgets about the ice cream cone you mention at the begining of the story :)
« Last Edit: July 27, 2010, 12:05:51 AM by The Green Bastard »
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alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #202 on: July 25, 2010, 05:21:52 AM »

LoL I shall be repeating that one.
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Stoker

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #203 on: July 25, 2010, 09:11:59 AM »

There is a song by humorist Kip Addotta called "Wet Dreams" that is made entirely of fish terms that uses the "looks like you've blown a seal" joke.

[youtube=425,350]<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6l1GvDWtccI&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6l1GvDWtccI&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>[/youtube]

"C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #204 on: July 27, 2010, 05:45:37 PM »

A man is watching a  game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching
channels to a dirty  movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous  sex.
             
 
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his  wife.
 
“For Heaven's sake,  watch them", his wife says.

 

"You already know how to play golf!"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

yamnuska

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #205 on: July 27, 2010, 06:48:05 PM »

So pube boy (Princess pubella), cock boy (Rusty Nut) and font boy (Stoker) all walk into a bar...........
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ForumTroll

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #206 on: July 27, 2010, 07:06:59 PM »

I don't get a nickname?
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yamnuska

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #207 on: July 27, 2010, 07:23:04 PM »

I don't get a nickname?

No, finish the joke, I'm too stupid to finish it.
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alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #208 on: July 27, 2010, 08:05:06 PM »

Pube boy orders a drink for a girl at the bar. Meanwhile cock boy is bragging to font boy about his manhood. Fontboy says, "Put Up or shut up!" so cock boy, who is sick of the haters, whips it out and the tip indeed hits the ground with a thud. "Holy shit!" exclaimed fontboy. The girl is so impressed by pubeboys pick up talents she loses her cigarette and it falls right down on cock boys member. He has to be taken to the hospital.
The next day they are sitting at the same bar.
"I'm really sorry." begins pubeboy.
"Its all right, the hospital actually improved me." Replies cockboy smiling.
"Really How"fontboy again.
"Well my cock, was burned so bad they replaced it with a elephants trunk. Now I'm a  sybian that can go around corners, I can give my girlfriend orgasms in the next room."
"Oh bullshit."
Suddenly the cocktrunk jumps out of cockboys pants grabs a donut from a bowel on the bar and disappears.
"Wow! Can you do that again?"
"No, I can't take anymore donuts in my ass."
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YixilTesiphon

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #209 on: July 27, 2010, 08:30:45 PM »

donut from a bowel

Nice, even if you didn't do it on purpose.
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And their kids were hippie chicks - all hypocrites.
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