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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109202 times)

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Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #180 on: June 05, 2010, 03:41:20 PM »

The bishop visited our church, last Sunday.

I'm sure he was a fake.  Not once, did he ever move diagonally.

Love it.
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #181 on: June 05, 2010, 05:46:31 PM »

if obama manages to fix this oil spill disaster in the gulf ,

would it be considered a ''nigger rig''?

*rimshot*

yukka-highhhh....

that's a good one johnny....
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #182 on: June 05, 2010, 10:59:54 PM »

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
    but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
    was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice 
    to my life, but just didn' t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
    I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
    have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but
    just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
      I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance
      Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I
      wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
      a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because
      it was the same old grind.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #183 on: June 06, 2010, 08:55:17 AM »

On a radio show I listen to, it was mentioned that in a free market you could still hire people to order you around and use violence for compliance.
But you would have to have a "safeword" to make them stop and realize who is paying who- who is actually in charge.
For example consider this small exchange.

Mistress Plastcock: (in a purring voice) "And now, sweet'ums, you small dicked little fuck, I am going to stuff your tight rectom with this dark ages era mace while you lick the ass sweat off this rubber donkey dick last used on and in my previous client!"

Client: (Who is actually there on a cruel bachelor party dare and is getting married in a week and would really like to comfortably shit in the immediate future. He is hogtide with asshole up, exposed, and not particularly well lubed) "mmmmfffff, (eyes huge) mmmmffffff!!!!!!

Mistress Plastcock: (removes ball gag) What, you smelly man with a school lunch smoked sousage like penis?!!!

Client: HOLY FUCK YOU BITCH...... STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE......STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE (looks at mace again) STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!!!!!!!

Mistress Plastcock: OK the session is over, sir. Will your Friends pay cash or check?

And now, what would make a good safeword to use against bureaucrats that cross the line on those who pay for their lives. A safeword for bureaucratic mistresses from taxpaying "johns" if you will.

Cop: (tazing a man who went 56 on a posted 55 road and also committed the crime of being half Latino) And now I will taze your balls!!!!

Taxpayer: HOLY FUCK YOU ASSHOLE......HAMCOCK STATIST.....HAMCOCK STATIST(looks at tazer again) HAMCOCK STATIST!!!!!!

Cop: Oh sorry sir, please watch your speed and have a nice day.

Any suggested safewords?
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #184 on: June 08, 2010, 12:34:33 AM »

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
 "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
 
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his
 arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
 
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
 "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids
were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
 
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.
 
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The
doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
 
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel..
 
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to
the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit
a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
   "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said.
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him
'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
19.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This
 made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call
went out that therewas a small medium at large.
 
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least
ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did.
 
22.  And...one of my own..
As the battery said to the potato chip.. "If you're Frito Lay I'm Eveready!"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Pilot_MKN

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #185 on: June 08, 2010, 02:07:30 AM »

[A friend of yours tells a Jew Joke]

You: Hey, that's not funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp...................................he fell off a guard tower!
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anarchir

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #186 on: June 08, 2010, 02:46:35 AM »

[A friend of yours tells a Jew Joke]

You: Hey, that's not funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp...................................he fell off a guard tower!

I have a coworker who tells this one all the time recently.
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alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #187 on: June 13, 2010, 03:32:07 PM »

I thought this was a funny one.
 
 
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #188 on: June 14, 2010, 09:08:47 PM »

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.  On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.  The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that SOB!"
 
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
 
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a SOB fish!"
 
"Really?  Well then, help me land this SOB!"
 
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
 
"Father, that's the biggest SOB I've ever seen"
 
"Yes, it is a big SOB. What should I do with it?"
 
"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as SOB!"
 
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.  While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
 
"Take a look at this big SOB I caught!”
 
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
 
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a SOB fish!"
 
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big SOB?"
 
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the SOB for his dinner.
 
"I'll even clean the SOB," she said.
 
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.  "What are you doing Sister?"
 
"Father wants me to clean this big SOB for the new Bishop's Dinner."
 
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
 
"No, no, no, it's calle d a SOB Fish."
 
"Really?  Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that SOB can be the main course!  Let me know when you've finished cleaning that SOB."
 
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.  The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
 
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
 
"I caught that SOB!" proclaimed the proud priest.
 
"And I cleaned the SOB!" exclaimed the Sister.
 
The Friar added, "And I prepared the SOB, using a special recipe!”
 
The new Bishop looked around at each of them  A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You mother f#@^$ers are my kind of people!"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #189 on: June 16, 2010, 05:24:54 PM »

Scottish Logic

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough'.


'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.


We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her'.


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this'.


She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #190 on: June 16, 2010, 05:27:05 PM »

During  these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these 4
religious Truths:


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader  of the Christian
world.


4. Presbyterians do not recognize each other at Hooters.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #191 on: June 19, 2010, 07:10:16 PM »

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap  out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

sillyperson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #192 on: June 21, 2010, 09:11:09 AM »

My mother forwarded this to my wife & I...



GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

John Shaw

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #193 on: June 21, 2010, 10:38:05 AM »

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #194 on: July 18, 2010, 08:36:28 PM »

 The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
 
Why was that gauge used? Well, because that's the way they built them in England , and English engineers designed the first US railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
 
So, why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England. You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since..
 
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
 
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and
 wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses..)
 
Now, the twist to the story:
 
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel... The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything and...
 
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
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