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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109335 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #165 on: May 09, 2010, 03:47:24 PM »

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouts....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #166 on: May 09, 2010, 03:49:33 PM »

A young woman agreed to marry a young man with the provision that he never look in the chest that she kept at the foot of their bed.

After they had been married a year, he thought that he'd ask her about the chest.  She wouldn't talk to him for a month.  He didn't say any more.

After they had been married 25 years, he asked if he could look into the chest.  She wouldn't talk to him for a year.  He didn't say anymore.

After they had been married 50 years, she finally relented and let him look in the chest.  He found a few kernels of corn and $3000 in cash.  He asked her about it.  She said that whenever she was unfaithful to him, she would put a kernel of corn in the chest.  He thought about it for a minute, realized that he had had a pretty good life and her cheating on him just a few times wasn't so bad.  He then asked her about the $3000 in cash.

"Oh", she said.  "Whenever I got a bushel of corn, I sold it!"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #167 on: May 09, 2010, 03:50:47 PM »

Once there was an Indian chief who divorced his squaw, to
marry a younger woman. Some time after this occurred, he was
out on a hunting party with some of his braves. They came
upon a hippopotamus which had escaped from a travelling
circus show. The chief shot it, and took the hide home to
his new bride to use for a bedspread.
His two sons by his former marriage became all upset
and jealous at this because all their mother had for her
bedspread were a couple of very ordinary cowhides.
Day by day their jealousy grew, until finally they challenged
their new stepmother to a duel.
They stepped out to the edge of the reservation at sunrise,
and fought tooth and nail all day long.
At sunset nobody had budged an inch! So they had to declare
it an even draw.
What this serves to demonstrate is:
That the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
the squaw of the other two hides!
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #168 on: May 10, 2010, 02:18:56 AM »

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.  What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
 
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs Into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
 
'You rotten bitch', she screams.
 
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #169 on: May 10, 2010, 02:19:23 AM »

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your canned drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the....??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of Intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on boxes and thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

"DAMMIT" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #170 on: May 10, 2010, 02:46:51 AM »

Fish Bait. .

   I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass  bait.

   Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

  Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey into the snake`s
mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

   A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
 with two frogs in his mouth.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #171 on: May 10, 2010, 06:16:14 PM »

A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The TexasWork Force
> Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
> an agent out to interview him.
>
> "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
> demanded the agent.
>
> "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been
> with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
>
> The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per
> week plus free room and board.
>
> Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and
> does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per
> week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon
> every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
>
> "That's the guy I want to talk to ... The half-wit," says the
> agent.
>
> "That would be me," replied the Rancher
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #172 on: May 14, 2010, 10:11:22 AM »

Maintain a healthy level of INSANITY

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #173 on: May 17, 2010, 09:32:49 PM »

This isn't really a joke but it is kinda funny:

How to make Brownies, government style:

It's a 35+ page document describing how to make approved brownies and oatmeal cookies...

http://liw.iki.fi/liw/misc/MIL-C-44072C.pdf

Quote
3.3.2 Brownie preparation. (NOTE: The contractor is not required to follow the exact procedure shown below provided that the brownies conform to all finished product requirements in 3.4.)
a. Whip eggs in large bowl on high speed until light and fluffy.
b. Combine sugars, cocoa, salt, and leavening; add to beaten eggs, and whip on high speed until thick.
c. Add shortening slowly while mixing on low speed.
d. Scrape bowl and whip on high speed until thick.
e. Mix flour, nuts, and flavors together and fold into batter; mix until uniform.
f. Pour batter into pan at a rate that will yield uncoated brownies which, when cut such as to meet the dimension requirements specified in 3.4f, will weigh approximately 35 grams each. (Experimentally, a panning rate of 14 to 16 grams per square inch was used.)
g. Bake at 350F until done (30 to 45 minutes).
3.3.3 Brownie cutting. The brownies shall be cut to the appropriate size when cool (see 3.4f).
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

alaric89

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #174 on: May 28, 2010, 03:44:25 PM »

[youtube=425,350]<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ghxL6VeDcHc&hl=nb_NO&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ghxL6VeDcHc&hl=nb_NO&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>[/youtube]

I thought this helpful video was a little too pro compliance. Anyway I thought others could write jokes easily from this as source material either more helpful tips or opposite.

Ex. " Be sure to have a small jar carefully placed in your rectom. Simply remove the lid and insert with the bottom out, have a Friend or passerby inspect the glass and make sure the officer can see all the way to your colon. This will make cavity searches go smoother and faster. Your fellow travelers and agents will appreciate your short stay in the inspection cell."
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #175 on: May 29, 2010, 05:39:06 AM »

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
 
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

ciscokid1024

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #176 on: May 29, 2010, 08:04:55 AM »

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?


Poke her face
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mikehz

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #177 on: May 29, 2010, 11:50:09 AM »

Curious as to how his latest novel, Les Misérables, was doing, Victor Hugo sent a single character message to his editor: "?". The reply came back: "!"
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"Force always attracts men of low morality." Albert Einstein

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #178 on: June 05, 2010, 01:56:36 AM »

The pope is working a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon when he reaches a real stumper. He thinks for a moment or tow, scratches his head, and finally ask the cardinal, “Can you think of a four letter word for “woman” that ends in u~n~t?
“Aunt” replies the cardinal.
“Ah thanks”, says the pope. “Do you have an eraser”?

The pope is kidnapped by terrorist who wouldn’t release him until he agreed to be photographed having sex with a teenage girl. The terrorist figured that with such a photo in their possession they could release the pope but still have complete control over the Catholic church.
The pontiff was outraged and refused. But after the terrorist made it clear they would kill him unless he complied, he reluctantly agreed.
However said the pope, I”I will only cooperate on three conditions: One the young girl must be blindfolded so she can not see the horrible thing that is happening to her; two, the girl must be wearing earplugs so she dose not hear what is happening”.
Fine, fine the leader of the terrorist said.: What’s the third condition”?
The pope relies “The girl must have really big boobs”.

The bishop visited our church, last Sunday.

I'm sure he was a fake.  Not once, did he ever move diagonally.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #179 on: June 05, 2010, 02:00:13 AM »

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No”, he replies, “I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

007 taps, taps his watch, and says “Damn thing must be an hour fast!”
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
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