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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109402 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #150 on: April 12, 2010, 05:51:57 PM »

Two cops come back into the police-station with their dog, after a foot-patrol in the dark side of town....

On of them lifts the dog's tail, and gives the back-end a thorough inspection......

Says the other cop: "what in the world are you looking for?"

Says the first cop: "on patrol I heard on guy in the street saying to his buddy: "look there goes that mutt with two a**holes""....
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #151 on: April 12, 2010, 06:10:32 PM »

A cop stops a guy on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just...Fred, ' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
 
The officer then presses him for his last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.   
 
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along with it.
 
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. 
 
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.  When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.   
 
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 
 
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. 
 
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. 
 
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #152 on: April 12, 2010, 07:10:57 PM »

I think you already posted that one Naismith, but it was funny the second time too.   :)
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #153 on: April 13, 2010, 12:25:15 AM »

I think you already posted that one Naismith, but it was funny the second time too.   :)
Heh, probably huh!  Definitely still funny though.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Diogenes The Cynic

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #154 on: April 13, 2010, 12:43:22 AM »

This is a text version of a conversation I had with a friend a few hours ago.

We were in my car, and I pointed to a Glock catalog in the backseat. He was all like "hey, cool".

Friend: The first thing I buy after I get my job will be a sweet piece. It'll be a wife to me. I'll caress it, and take it to bed with me.

Diogenes The Cynic: When you get a wife, what will she be to you?

Friend: She will be a gun to me.

The more you think about it, the less sense it makes, but its still hilarious.
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I am looking for an honest man. -Diogenes The Cynic

Dude, I thought you were a spambot for like a week. You posted like a spambot. You failed the Turing test.

                                -Dennis Goddard

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #155 on: April 13, 2010, 04:59:14 PM »

Poor Bob


Bob works hard at the office but  spends two  nights each week bowling, 

and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife  thinks he's pushing himself too hard,

so for his  birthday she takes him to a local strip  club.


The doorman  at the club greets them
and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya  doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's
been to this club before.

'Oh no,'  says Bob.  'He's in my
bowling league.

When they  are seated, a waitress asks
Bob  if he'd like his usual and brings over a  Budweiser.

His wife is  becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

'How  did she know  that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her,  she's the waitress
from the golf club.I  always have a Bud at the end of the
1st nine,  honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table,

throws her arms around Bob, starts  to rub herself all over him
and  says,   'Hi Bobby.  Want your usual table
dance, big boy?'

Bob's  wife, now furious, grabs her
purse and storms out of  the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting  into a cab..

Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her..

Bob tries  desperately to explain how
the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it .

She is screaming at him  at the top of
her lungs, calling him every 4 letter  word in the book.

The cabby turns around and  says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this  time!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The Pond


Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a
large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm
here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #156 on: April 13, 2010, 05:00:49 PM »

Life according to Maxine

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.  It's called .........'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss,  the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.
 
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
 
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
   
8.  A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.
 
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.   
       
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #157 on: April 14, 2010, 06:37:46 PM »

Love  those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church  bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your  husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church  help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school  days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is  Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next  Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the  Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to  attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The  Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last  Sunday:  "I Upped My Pledge
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

mikehz

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #158 on: April 15, 2010, 02:31:07 AM »

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #159 on: May 01, 2010, 01:55:46 PM »

A little old lady is pulled over by a policeman. The officer approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The lady responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The lady responds, "I've lost it four times for drunk driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The lady says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"He's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the lady and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car.
The senior officer says "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The lady steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?"
The lady opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car ma'am?"
The lady says "Yes", and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The lady digs in her purse revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The lady replies, "I bet you the lying **** said I was speeding, too!".














A cop is sitting under a bridge running radar when a lady comes flying by on her way to work, and he pulls her over. The cop asks why she is in such a hurry.
The lady replies "gee officer I am late for work can't you give me a break" so the cop says "Sorry lady I'm going to give you a ticket, by the way what do you do for a living", to which the lady replies " I'm a butt stretcher. The cop says "What the heck does a butt stretcher do. The lady says "Well we start out with a regular size butt hole, then we stick two fingers in and begin stretching it out, then four fingers, then eight, then we get both hands in there and keep working until we get the butt stretched out to nearly 6 feet. The cop naturally says "Well what the hell do you do with a 6 foot butthole" to which the lady replies "We set them under a bridge and give them a radar gun".
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

ForumTroll

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #160 on: May 02, 2010, 11:24:39 AM »

A little boy comes downstairs for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," the kid replys. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. So he goes to feed the chickens, but he's a little resentful, so he kicks a chicken. He feeds the cows, and he kicks a cow. He feeds the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, the boy's father comes down for breakfast, obviously in a bad mood, and with his foot, whacks the cat half way across the kitchen floor.

The kid looks up at his mother with a wicked grin and says, "You gonna tell him, or should I?"
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mikehz

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #161 on: May 02, 2010, 12:24:51 PM »

Two elderly ladies take turns driving two miles to bingo every afternoon. One day as they're driving along, the woman in the passenger seat notices the driver pass through a red light. She says nothing, figuring that anyone can make a mistake from time to time. Then, a block later, the car runs a second light. She says, "You know, that light was red."

The lady behind the wheel replies, "Oh dear! Is it my turn to drive today?"
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"Force always attracts men of low morality." Albert Einstein

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #162 on: May 05, 2010, 08:22:56 PM »

In the world of Romance, One single Rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system…

Simple Duties
You make the bed……………………………………………+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……….0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………………-1
You leave the toilet seat up…………………………………-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty……………….0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex……..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings…….+5
But return with beer………………………………………..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night………………………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing……………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………….+5
You pummel it with a six iron……………………………….+10
It’s her father……………………………………………-10

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly………..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts……….-5

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………-5
Something she can’t use……………….-10
Such as a motorized model airplane…………..-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday………….-40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip…………..-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………..-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town……..-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal………-25
You know them………-60

The Big Question
She asks, “Do I look fat?”……………..-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding…………-10
You reply, “Where?”………..-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression……0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV……..+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep………….-20

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party……….0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……..-2
Named Tiffany………………..-4
Tiffany is a dancer……………….-6
Tiffany has implants……………….-8
When mingling, you hold your mate’s hand and gaze at her lovingly………..+1
When mingling, you introduce her as “the ol’ ball and chain” and pat her on the rump……….-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, “Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you”…………….+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she’s attractive, you say, “Yeah, but she’s lousy in bed”……-6
That woman is her sister………………..-90
You have one drink, and that’s it…………….0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle………-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted….-18

Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together…………………+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car………………..+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar……………….-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it….+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional….0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ………….+3
Most of it chips and beer …………..-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den…………+15
Or refinishing the floors………………….+16
Or rewiring the basement………………..+17
Or adding a second floor…………….+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket…….-6
And you’re tickled pink about it…………………-15
You visit her parents…………………0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation …………..+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ……..-3
And the television is off……………………-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear………..-6
And you didn’t even go to college…………..-10
And it’s not your underwear………………..-15

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner………………..0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar……………+1
Okay, it is a sports bar…………………….-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night………………..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…….-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player………+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing………………………..+4
If you stink………………………..+2
If you’re not half bad……………………+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you’re escorted out to much applause………..-2
You give her a gift……………………0
You give her a gift and it’s a small appliance………….-10
You give her a gift and it’s not a small appliance ………..+1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate………………+2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months……….+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day……..-10
With her credit card……………-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big……….-40

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely…………………..-20
You forget your anniversary…………………-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station………..-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey……………….-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast………….-60

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ………………………-5
And the pal is happily married ……………….-4
Or frighteningly single ………………..-7
And he drives a Mustang………………..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15
You have a few beers……………..-9
And miss curfew by an hour……………..-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn’t call………………..-20
You get home at 3 am………………..-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars………..-40
And not wearing any pants………………….-50
Is that a tattoo??……………..-200

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work……………….+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late……………..+10
You wait up…………………..+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed……….+20

A Night At Home
You watch TV together……………..0
You rent a movie……………+2
You rent a movie and it’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY……………….+3
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout………….+5
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep…………………..-1
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool………….-2

A Night Out
You take her to a movie……………………+2
You take her to a movie she likes……………….+4
You take her to a movie you hate ……………….+6
You take her to a movie you like……………..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3…………………..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………… 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it……..+20
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself……….+30
And she contracts Lyme disease………………………………-25
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #163 on: May 07, 2010, 05:52:08 PM »

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."


Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #164 on: May 07, 2010, 06:32:59 PM »

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."


Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.


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