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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109334 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #105 on: November 08, 2009, 04:06:29 PM »

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused...

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment..  He went on for over
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.  'In fact, 'he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.   'In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.  The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #106 on: November 12, 2009, 07:36:15 PM »

Natural Born Citizen
QUALIFICATIONS

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new
President of the United States. Now we know why.

And don't forget, "They walk among us!"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

upperdeck

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #107 on: November 12, 2009, 09:54:18 PM »

What does a fat white chick and brick have in common?

Both are likely to get laid by a Mexican within the hour.
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Sometimes it just feels good to take a shit in the woods.

CaL DaVe

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #108 on: November 13, 2009, 06:44:34 PM »

What does a fat white chick and brick have in common?

Both are likely to get laid by a Mexican within the hour.

I'm done with the bricks...

Now I'm coming for your Fat Momma!
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Pocho

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #109 on: November 18, 2009, 12:25:53 PM »

A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural..
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
'Well, that 's a good start.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyonehere ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further....
Have any ofyou ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says
'Son, all the years I'vebeen giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin,
and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Bubba,tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied,
" crap , from way back there I thought you said Goats."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #110 on: November 18, 2009, 12:26:15 PM »

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney,
"the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued,
"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking,
really making the bedsprings bounce,
when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #111 on: November 18, 2009, 03:44:56 PM »

Many many years ago, when i was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red,
My father fell in love with her and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my fathers wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy,
my little baby then became a brother-in law to my dad,
and so became my uncle, that thought it made me sad,
for if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
to the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother,
fathers wife then had a son who kept them on the run
and he was my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
because although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
and every time i think of it, it simply drives me wild
for now i have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpa.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #112 on: November 22, 2009, 01:52:15 PM »

The World's Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
____________________________________________
OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by Tiger Woods
______________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
THE SEQUEL
by Bill Clinton
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
_________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
______________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND JUST ADDED:
COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY!
by Nancy Pelosi
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #113 on: November 25, 2009, 03:59:41 AM »

The farmer and the DEA agent

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull . . .

  With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . .

“Your badge. Show him your BADGE!”
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #114 on: November 25, 2009, 10:38:59 AM »

I like that joke.  I also like that you specified that the officer verbally exploded rather than that he literally  exploded, because otherwise that would be the end of the joke.  But only slightly less gratifying, probably. 
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #115 on: November 25, 2009, 02:32:44 PM »

So I hear Obama is going to do an X-Mas Special with Oprah.  I guess I put this in the wrong thread because it's not a joke, it's just so realistic that it may as well be.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #116 on: December 07, 2009, 04:53:30 AM »

Commas save lives!

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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #117 on: December 11, 2009, 03:02:38 PM »

Sex & Parking Spaces

1, You should never have to wait to find one.

2, You should be able to slide right into one.

3, Spaces in the front are always the best.

4, When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice.

5, It sucks when someone else is double-parked.

6, Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back.

7, It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces.

8, A full-size car is good to find.

9, People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces.

10, Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying.

11, We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit.

12, A house isn't a home without a parking space.

13, Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear.

14, Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?

15, The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #118 on: December 16, 2009, 03:31:42 PM »

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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #119 on: January 08, 2010, 10:03:26 AM »

What's the difference between a quart of freshly brewed coffee and a quart of freshly brewed urine?














You can hold a quart of freshly brewed coffee longer.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
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