Welcome to the Free Talk Live bulletin board system!
This board is closed to new users and new posts.  Thank you to all our great mods and users over the years.  Details here.
185859 Posts in 9829 Topics by 1371 Members
Latest Member: cjt26
Home Help
+  The Free Talk Live BBS
|-+  Free Talk Live
| |-+  General
| | |-+  Jokes
Pages: 1 ... 5 6 [7] 8 9 ... 27   Go Down

Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 109413 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

davann

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #90 on: September 23, 2009, 05:50:46 PM »

What was the point of the turd?

Damn, it ain't funny if it has to be explained but here goes.

The turd is the ejaculate of the gay male guest.

Forget it.

Ummm, what?

apparently gay guys function differently and ejaculate by taking a shit........

Exactly. Good stuff.
Logged

Libertarianssuck

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #91 on: September 23, 2009, 05:58:00 PM »

Still fail to see the humor...



A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's your name?" she asks the first.
To her surprise, the dog answers "My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles."
She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My name's Duey and I'm
having a great day going in and out of puddles." She turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going
to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The dog replies "No,
I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles."
Logged

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #92 on: September 23, 2009, 11:33:33 PM »

    T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
    T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S 
    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
   
    You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment!
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

rookie

  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 936
  • THIS DESIGN IS A CLASSIC!
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #93 on: September 24, 2009, 03:08:34 AM »

What was the point of the turd?

Damn, it ain't funny if it has to be explained but here goes.

The turd is the ejaculate of the gay male guest.

Forget it.

Ummm, what?



apparently gay guys function differently and ejaculate by taking a shit........

Exactly. Good stuff.

:lol:  its even funnier when you have to explain it!!!!
Logged
Do yourself a favor.

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #94 on: September 27, 2009, 12:24:00 PM »

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if; they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:  In dark sunglasses he darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:  Repeated his June 15th condom trick with a new twist; he added Depends and a personal lubricant to everyone’s carts.

13. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!  There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

AngryHateMusic

  • Guest
I be thinkin that Ebonics be stupid
« Reply #95 on: September 27, 2009, 12:36:13 PM »

 
"I be thinkin that Ebonics be stupid"

1.
Leroy is 18 and in the 8th grade. Homework is hard for him.
One day, Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence. Here's what he wrote. (Ebonic style)
1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.
2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT
they gonna send me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money
FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man,
somebody give that CATACOMB.
6. PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.
7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks
fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment
UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI - I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't
find no TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
11. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I
SELDOM.
12. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.
13. HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in
school.
14. INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.
15. HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR
first?

16. FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.

2.
In the past, our ATM machines have had 2 choices on them.
English, or Espanol. Now, they look like this:
Enter Language Preference:

1. English
2. Espanol
3. Mo Money

3.
ARTERY........................... The study of painings
BARIUM........................... What you do when CPR fails
CESAREAN SECTION....... A district in Rome
COLIC.............................. A sheep dog
DILATE............................ To live longer
FESTER.......................... Quicker
G.I. SERIES.................... Baseball game between teams of soldires
HANGNAIL...................... A coat hook
MORBID.......................... A higher offer
NITRATE......................... Higher than day rate
NODE............................. Was aware of
ORGANIC........................ Musical
OUTPATIENT................... A person who has fainted
POST-OPERATIVE............ A letter carrier
PROTEIN.......................... In favor of young people
SECRETION..................... Hiding anything
SEROLOGY...................... A study of English knighthood
TABLET............................. A small table
TUMOR............................. An extra pair
URINE.............................. Opposite of you're out
VARICOSE VEINS............ Veins which are very close together

4.
Now that you learned how Leroy applies the English language to
everyday conversation, I've now prepared a reference to interpret
Leroy's typical idioms.

A few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the
ve-nak-u-lar...


"Damn - that s**t is DOPE!"
~~~~~ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.


"I can't FADE that!"
~~~~~ I am unable to handle this at this time.


"Shante ain't HAVIN' it!"
~~~~~ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.


"Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats."
~~~~~ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.


"YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"
~~~~~ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?


"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"
~~~~~ I had in my possession of a condom, which was used in my
engagement of sexual activity.


"What's up? Why you ALL UP IN my s**t!?!"
~~~~~ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.


"She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"
~~~~~ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in
dating you is non-existant at this time.


"Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was
SMOOOOOOOVE!"
~~~~~ Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the
female, with the intention of asking her on a date.


"STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEENER..."
~~~~~ It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this
area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to
shoot bullets into your fanny with my 9mm handgun.


"Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"
~~~~~ Why are the police officers always worried?


"Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."
~~~~~ It is Friday evening, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce
bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.
 
5.
Ebonics beauty pageant

The first Ebonics Beauty Pageant was to be held in Oakland on Valentine's Day but it had to be cancelled. The committee could only get 49 states to send representatives because no one wanted to say in public "IDAHO".
 
 
6.
A Prayer???

English:

Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.
Amen

Ebonics:

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this here hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
don't be pushing me into no jive
and keep dem Crips away
'Cause you always be da Man
Aaa-men
 
7.
Ebonics MidTerm

Algebra I Mid Term Exam ...........Ebonics Version

Directions: -Make sho yo be putting yo name on the upper right hand comer.
-Don't be axing no dumbass questions and keep yo shifty mothafuckin eyes on yo own sorryass papers.
Number I.(25%)
Elon and Tyrell bot want to meet fo lunch. Elon's home be 5 mile north of Tyrell. If Elon leave at 10:30 bookin bout 3 mile per hour while Tyrell, who have one coolass bike, ain't not departin till I 1:00 zoomin bout 20 mile per hour, what time be Elon axing Tyrell for a bite of fiied chicken?

Number 2.(25%)
Yolanda, she be 11 year older than her daughter Carinda. Carinda have a
bitch Carmel who haf her age. In how many years be Carmel haf as old as
that uglyass ho Yolanda?

Number 3.(40%)
If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain't not got
nothing but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap stuff be
Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie?

Number 4.(10%)
Lenwood and Keshawn jus lifted one gross of basketballs offa Kmart. If studly Lenwood can dunk fo mo balls per minute than Keshawn, how long be these bros slammin and jammin fo they be needin suh mo balls to play wif?

Extra Credit:

Which number, A or B be bigger? Make sho you shows all yo work.
A. The total number of hos Wilt Chamberlain and B.B. King be sleeping wif.

B. The number of yard OJ done ran fo in his best season timeses the number a cuts he be putting in that nogood honkey bitch Nicole afta catchin her wif a guy what ain't got no goddam mothafuckin rights be ridin roun wif OJs car.
 
8.
What did you say.?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public. That's disgusting!"
"Hey, coola down lady," the man replies, "I'mma just tella my friend how to spell Mississippi."
 
9.
No doubt some Bible societies will feel compelled to publish a new translation of the Holy Scriptures in the newly discovered language of Ebonics. Here is a head start for them:
EBONICS ENGLISH

Big Daddy's Rap The Lord's Prayer

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin' Hallowed be thy name

So be yo hood Thy kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos On Earth as it is in Heaven

Gimme some eats Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat dis me As we forgive those who trespass against us

Don't be pushin me into no jive And lead us not into temptation

And keep dem Crips away But deliver us from evil

Cuz you always be da man For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the glory forever and ever

Aaa-men Amen
 
10.
Hooked on Ebonics

Now people who have had the luxury of learning from the Hooked on Phonics
tapes can look foward to the all new Hooked on Ebonics series. As you all
know, the Hooked on Phonics tapes taught us sentence structure like.

"That dog is running across the street fast"

But now that we have mastered that form of language, we can begin to start
our Hooked on Ebonics series. This series will teach us new and improved
sentence structure like...

"Dat mutt be runnin' cross da steet ly a ma-fa"

This new series will ultimately teach you how to relate to others in a new
language. In other words, it will be teaching you how to properly
structure words and spell them in a way that saves time. In short it is
a revision of how you USED to talk before you got suckered into purchasing
the Hooked on Phonics tapes. These tapes will be available only after you
purchase the Hooked on Phonics tapes. Finally, this new series will not
only teach people a new way of communicating, but it will allow people to
choose how they wish to communcate. Or in Ebonics terms...

Dis new stuff be show'n fowks how to be speek'n to dey own
peepole 'nd't be show'n peepole dat dey can choos how to be
speek'n to eech uder.

Leroy is a 20 year old 9th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment
after completing the Hooked on Ebonics series. He successfully used each
vocabulary word in a sentence.

(I think these are new ones......)

1. Acoustic - When I was little my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to
da pool hall.

2. Iraq - When we get to da pool hall I tol my uncle iraq you break.

3. Odyssey - I tol my brother you odyssey da buty on that hoe.

4. Sodomy - When I go out at night, I like to have one bitch on one
sodomy and another bitcho n de other sodomy.

5. Decide - My favorite girls are Waanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep
a couple on decide.

6. Afford - I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but had to settle for afford.

7. Subpoena - I went to the john at the concert, but the lines were long
and I hadda go bad, so da man sez subpoena sink.

8. Manual - I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you
keep messin with dat hoe.

9. Mister - My girlfrin went on vacation and I really mister.

10. Cadaver - I told my buddy Tyrone I liked his sister and wanted to see
her and he said I cadaver.

11. Paramour - I was playing cards with my buddy Antonio and I said 'Wadda
you got?' He said 'I got an ace high and you're gonna need a paramour
to beat me.

12. Polyp - On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was
involved in a fi car polyp.

13. Urinal - After the police broke down my door last night, they said,
'Darnett, urinal lot a trouble.'
T h e . e n d .
Logged

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #96 on: October 03, 2009, 11:15:16 PM »

Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

anarchir

  • Extraordinaire
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5103
  • No victim, no crime.
    • View Profile
    • Prepared Security
Re: Jokes
« Reply #97 on: October 03, 2009, 11:50:31 PM »

That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Logged
Good people disobey bad laws.
PreparedSecurity.com - Modern security and preparedness for the 21st century.
 [img width= height= alt=Prepared Security]http://www.prepareddesign.com/uploads/4/4/3/6/4436847/1636340_orig.png[/img]

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #98 on: October 03, 2009, 11:57:41 PM »

That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Chick must weigh at least twice as much as I do!  :shock:
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

anarchir

  • Extraordinaire
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5103
  • No victim, no crime.
    • View Profile
    • Prepared Security
Re: Jokes
« Reply #99 on: October 04, 2009, 12:12:09 AM »

That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Chick must weigh at least twice as much as I do!  :shock:
Probably about 3X as much as me! Grosss. 
Logged
Good people disobey bad laws.
PreparedSecurity.com - Modern security and preparedness for the 21st century.
 [img width= height= alt=Prepared Security]http://www.prepareddesign.com/uploads/4/4/3/6/4436847/1636340_orig.png[/img]

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #100 on: October 04, 2009, 12:31:52 AM »

That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Chick must weigh at least twice as much as I do!  :shock:
Probably about 3X as much as me! Grosss. 
Well I guess in certain terms this guy gets more ass than I do  :? :lol:
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

anarchir

  • Extraordinaire
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5103
  • No victim, no crime.
    • View Profile
    • Prepared Security
Re: Jokes
« Reply #101 on: October 04, 2009, 12:51:06 AM »

That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Chick must weigh at least twice as much as I do!  :shock:
Probably about 3X as much as me! Grosss. 
Well I guess in certain terms this guy gets more ass than I do  :? :lol:
HAHA but is he better off for it?
Logged
Good people disobey bad laws.
PreparedSecurity.com - Modern security and preparedness for the 21st century.
 [img width= height= alt=Prepared Security]http://www.prepareddesign.com/uploads/4/4/3/6/4436847/1636340_orig.png[/img]

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #102 on: October 18, 2009, 06:49:50 AM »

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.  They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
 
A search for a Virgin continues.
 
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #103 on: October 18, 2009, 05:00:46 PM »

I was on my way to Lowe's Home Improvement this afternoon to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself behind a car bearing a bumper sticker that read,
 
"We did it!" - "Obama / Biden".

Well, as luck would have it they pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up.  She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!
 
She thanked me. And I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copied from the internet.  However it does however sound like something I would love to do!
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

BonerJoe

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #104 on: October 18, 2009, 05:54:41 PM »

lol
Logged
Pages: 1 ... 5 6 [7] 8 9 ... 27   Go Up
+  The Free Talk Live BBS
|-+  Free Talk Live
| |-+  General
| | |-+  Jokes

// ]]>

Page created in 0.025 seconds with 33 queries.