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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 104312 times)

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Keels

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #30 on: January 27, 2009, 01:43:34 PM »

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I'll take you out for a meal with Mr and Mrs. Pain, order up some violent quiche.

Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #31 on: January 27, 2009, 05:50:06 PM »

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Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #32 on: January 27, 2009, 05:59:49 PM »

In honor of the idiotic Oregon mom who won't return the book "Bunny Suicides" to the library (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/384107_bunnysuicide21.html).....

« Last Edit: January 27, 2009, 06:04:31 PM by Rillion »
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Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #33 on: January 27, 2009, 06:02:51 PM »




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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #34 on: January 27, 2009, 06:17:52 PM »

this thread =


Re: Jokes
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Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #35 on: January 27, 2009, 06:29:20 PM »

this thread =
Re: Jokes

You ! = the boss of me
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #36 on: January 27, 2009, 06:29:35 PM »

guy walks into a pet store 4:45 pm,  xmas eve, in a snit:
"i need an all white puppy, for my wife's christmas present"
"mista, it's 15 minutes to closing, christmas eve. white puppies are special order. i can't help you"
"you don't understand. i missed her birthday & our anniversary. all she wants is a white puppy. i'm dead if i don't get one"
"buddy, all i got that's all white, is a female gorilla....out back"
"what the fuck do i do with a white gorilla?"
"i dunno, but it gives the BEST blowjobs....check it out"

guy comes out 10 min. later....
"i'll take it"

xmas morning, wife comes downstairs to a huge package, husband reading the paper by the tree.
she gleefully unwraps the pkg. to find a large cage w/ the white gorilla inside.

angrily, she says:
"it's a fucking gorilla. a white gorilla. what the fuck am i going to do with a white gorilla?"

without looking up from the paper, he says,

"teach it to cook, then get the fuck out."
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #37 on: January 27, 2009, 06:30:20 PM »

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CaL DaVe

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #39 on: January 27, 2009, 06:37:51 PM »

Rill are you in the shrine? I'm curious to see what you look like.

I imagine a little bit older version of this:


Except with a don't mess with Texas shirt.
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Pocho

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #40 on: January 27, 2009, 07:02:59 PM »

Rill are you in the shrine? I'm curious to see what you look like.

I imagine a little bit older version of this:


Except with a don't mess with Texas shirt.

No, no, and hell no.   :)
« Last Edit: January 28, 2009, 12:22:23 PM by Rillion »
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #41 on: January 28, 2009, 12:21:54 PM »

Rill are you in the shrine? I'm curious to see what you look like.

I imagine a little bit older version of this:


Except with a don't mess with Texas shirt.



that broad looks like a red-headed step-troll
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BonerJoe

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #42 on: January 29, 2009, 03:20:13 PM »

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
“WHAT?”.

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.



http://www.worthalaugh.com/2009/01/27/no-sex-tonight/
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #43 on: January 29, 2009, 07:54:50 PM »

That was a good one.
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #44 on: February 01, 2009, 03:07:48 PM »

why can't you play uno w/ hispanics?

cuz they keep stealing all the green cards


heyyyyyoooooooohh
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