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Free Talk Live => General => Topic started by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 15, 2008, 12:21:05 PM

Title: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 15, 2008, 12:21:05 PM
The Progression of Teaching Math

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho.

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I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

They outsourced their system so I ended up talking to a call center in Pakistan.

When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies. "

A voice from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"

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The following is from Uncle John’s All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader.

Sick and tired of political campaigns this election year? Let’s take a step back with something you can appreciate from the politicians: strange and peculiar quotes. They’re not to be “misunderstimated”!

"I think that the free-enterprise system is absolutely too important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace." - Rep. Richard Kelly (R-Fla.)

"If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t hit his tail on the ground." - George Bush, on unemployment benefits

"I make my decisions horizontally, not vertically." - Sen. Bob Kerry (D-Neb.)

"I hope that history will present me with maybe two words. One is peace. The other is human rights." - Jimmy Carter

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it’s only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, mayor of Philadelphia

"If we don’t watch our respective tails, the people are going to be running the government." - State Sen. Bill Craven (R-Ca.), on state initiatives

"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands." - Sen. Jesse Helms

"I don’t see why the legislature should be in the business of artificial intelligence, real intelligence or any intelligence at all." - Rep. Hunt Downer (D-La.)

"A zebra cannot change its spots." - Al Gore

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - George W. Bush

"We, as Republicans, need to start rowing with one oar." - Rep. John Kasich (R-Ohio)

"I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, former New York mayor

"I don’t have the brains for business. I want to go into politics." - Mao Xinyou, grandson of Mao Zedong

"I’m not indecisive. Am I indecisive?" - Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minn.

"If BS was a dollar a pound, we would have paid off the deficit at about noon." - Rep. Jim Ross Lightfoot (R-Iowa)

"Congressmen are so damn dumb they could throw themselves on the ground and miss." - Rep. James Traficant, Jr. (D-Ohio)

"I think that’s self-evident, but not true." - Bill Clinton

"It’s hard for somebody to hit you when you’ve got your fist in their face." - James Carville, on negative campaigning

"What’s the difference between a politician and a catfish? One is a wide-mouthed, bottom-feeding, slime sucker - and the other is a fish." - Preston Manning, Reform Party leader

"I’m a politician, and as a politician I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want." - Charles Peacock, ex-director of the Madison Guaranty S&L

"Look, I’m trying to run for president! I can’t sit here and debate free trade versus fair trade!" - Pat Robertson

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." - Marion Barry, former mayor of Wash., D.C.

"The senator has got to understand - he can’t have it both ways. He can’t take the high horse and then claim the low road." - George W. Bush, referring to John McCain

"I’m glad I’m not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin, you never know if someone’s tape-recording what you say." - Richard Nixon

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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. 

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" 

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my co mpassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me! with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: verster on January 20, 2009, 12:05:26 PM
A farmer was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture  when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the farmer.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the farmer says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the government' says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' said the farmer. 'You showed up here uninvited, you want to get paid for the answer I already know to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are yet you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.....Now give me back my dog.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 21, 2009, 04:56:14 AM
 Dictionary Of Sex Terms And Definitions

Angry Dragon
Right after she is done sucking your cock, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while she is cock sucking. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Don't name them as that is sick!

Ballsacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of fucking. If she has a bear claw to start with it helps.

Beer Dick
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with 2 tits and a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

The Bronco
You start by fucking doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't lose the that smokin' body and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and get to fucking. Duct taping the bag on will avoid any chance of slippage

Brown Necktie
You're about halfway through ass fucking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the tits.

Brunski
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie fucking some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty. The solution is "Brown bagging it."

The Canine Special
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner
While fucking a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza
Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while titty fucking.

Cock-Stuffing
Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra. Wow!

Cold Lunch
The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's sucking your cock.

The Concoction
First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

The Compton Gangbang
You meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a one-night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around. (Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I know you've got some fat girlfriends to help you out.)

Cop's Delight
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

The Corkscrew
Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

Corn
Originating from the fine campus of Cornell University comes this unique, rarely used term. Saying that a girl is "Corn" means, she is so fucking hot, so beautiful, so utterly drop-dead gorgeous, that you would happily eat the corn out of her shit. Can be used as a great pick-up line or friendly compliment, for instance; "Baby, you're more Corn than Green Giant", or "Damn bitch, you are Corn!"


Couch Bombing
When you fill a small ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your favorite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a woman...but no need to buy It dinner first

Coyote
This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

Cum Dumpster
A quadriplegic whore who is more than happy to swallow a gallon of your creamy spunk..

Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.

Daisy Chain
Partner (A) is sucking off or eating out partner (B) who is sucking off or eating out partner (C) and so on until the final person is sucking off or eating out partner (A). Partners can be gay, lesbian or straight.

Davey Crockett
A sexual maneuver in which you slip muscle relaxants into your gal's snizzpod, then slide your head in, thus wearing your partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap. Can come in handy on those cold winter nights.

Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.

Dirty Swirly
While boning a chick doggie style near a toilet (preferably one filled with a healthy load of shit, or some hot piss, or both), stick her head in the toilet and flush...she'll dig it.

Dog In A Bathtub
This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

Donkey Punch
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.

Duct Tape Trick
Wrapping a hamster in duct tape so you can safely fuck it without the danger of a messy split.

Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).

Dutch Treat
The unexpected result of a Dutch Oven gone terribly awry. Can be very messy.

DVDA
The abbreviation for "double-anal, double-vaginal". This is the term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard core porn industry norm.

The Electric Chair
Your psychobitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut sack. This causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and convulsions. She then mounts your Frankenstein and proceeds to get electrofucked. Warning! May cause erectile dysfunction after performed.

Felching
A gay activity which I do not condone at all. It happens when one fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks the jizz out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to jail. *note: never seen it done with a straw...

The Fish Eye
From behind, you shove both fists in her ass (or his if in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motionsignaling that she has been there and done that.

Fish-Hook
When you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

The Fire Island
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented.

Flaming Amazon
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When your screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!

Flooding The Cave
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.

The Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move.

The Flying Dutchman
This didn't used to be a specific deviant sexual act, it was just a phrase that sounded dirty and would be shouted out during intercourse on occasion simply for the novelty factor. However, its popularity increased and it has now developed into a specific act, namely that of, just as you are about to blow a load, in any sort of sexual situation (even masturbation for those true pioneers who are constantly on the cutting edge of the sexual revolution) you begin to shout, "Here comes the Flying Dutchman!" This should confuse your sexual partner (or whoever is in hearing range) completely, sometimes causing interesting side effects.

The Fountain Of You
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)

Fur Ball
When you're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, and a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat.

Gobstopper
With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.

Golden Shower
Any form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those who like watersports.

Greek
The act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. E.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but you asked for the Greek salad"

Ham And Cheese Sandwich
Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite.

Hershey Highway
When plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube.

High Dive
The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's hole and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous.

The Hindenburg
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool.

Hogging
While intoxicated, high, or just plain desperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups friends.

Hole In One
The act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo.

Hotdog In A Hallway
When laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching the walls of her vagina, kind of like tossing a hotdog in a hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood trick or if you're slinging a small dick.

Hot Karl
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can.

Hot Karl Candy Cane
A variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around.

Hot Lunch
The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's mouth.

Hummer
The well known added variation to a blowjob in which a broad hums her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt against your dick will most definitely produce a healthy orgasm.

The Hunter Gatherer
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory.

The Indian Cock Burn
While a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your shaft as if she was trying to give you an Indian burn.

The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you".

The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.

The Jelly Donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.

Kennebunkport Surprise
The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while eating her out.

Kick-Fucking
The act of receiving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass.

The Landshark
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.

The Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core booty sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)

The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasurable, tingly feeling on your cock.

The Mellon Dive
Headbutting a woman's big fat titties. Always lots of fun.

Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 21, 2009, 04:56:25 AM

Monroe Transfer
When you and your partner connect each other's assholes with a tube. One defecates through the tube, thus transferring the turds to the rectum of the other.

The Moped
A chick that's a fun ride until your friends see you on it, if you know what I mean.

The Mork
Made famous by Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy, stick your pinky and ring fingers up a girls ass, then jam your middle and index fingers up her cunt. (Please note: Not complete until you finish it off with a Nanoo-Nanoo!)

Moses
A man who enjoys going down on a woman during her period. Derived from the Biblical figure Moses, who parted the Red Sea.

The Motorboat
While performing oral sex on a girl, flap your lips together on her clit, thus imitating the sound of a motorboat. She'll love you forever.

Muff Teaser
Finger, suck, eat, etc. a girl until she is begging for it. Then rub your stiffy round her golden valley until she screams at you to give her a banging. Right when her frustration is at its highest level, stop and finish with a DIY(do it yourself) handjob. Then leave the room without saying a word. Not to be tried if you want to shack up with the selfish bitch again.

The Mung
Obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth.

Mushy Biscuit
This is actually a very fun game. Just choose a piece of food that you and your male friends like to eat. Then you and your buddies form a tight circle around the food item and proceed to jerk off all over it. Last one to bust a nut gets the prize of eating the food.

New Jersey Meat-Hook
The unusual method of inserting one's finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is most effective from behind.

New York Style Taco
Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on her box. Happy trails.

The Nixon
A variation of the Bullwinkle in which you give two peace signs as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking jowls and yelling, "I'm not a crook". This is considered very bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum.

Oyster
A derivation of the tea bag which is accomplished by numbing one's testicles with ice and then inserting them in a chicks mouth and letting the tramp munch on them.

Pasadena Mudslide
This happens when you leave a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blowjob. (A close cousin to the Cleveland Steamer.)

Pattycake
While you're nailing some girl doggie style and your friend is catching some head off the same girl, you get a quick game of pattycake going. This makes you reminisce of your childhood memories and eases the sight of watching your friend blow his load.

Paying The Rent
A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs ferociously.

Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich
Shit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch. Mmmm Mmmm Nasty! (Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've been eating.)

Pearl Necklace
Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit.

The Pig Roast
While you're plugging some girl's hole doggie style, (up the dirt road or the funhole, pick your poison) she's blowing your best friend's cock at the same time, hence simulating a pig on a spit. Very Similar to Chinese Finger Cuffs.

Pink Glove
Hate when this happens. Every so often a girl is not wet enough during sex. When you finally pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

The Pirate's Treasure
While fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty, you scream, "Argh!", like a pirate.

Plating
Take a clear, glass plate and place it on your partners face, then shit on it. It gives them a nice view without all the messy cleanup. How come you don't see that on any Dawn commercials.

The Popcorn Trick
First, take your girlfriend to the cinemas, for a nice romantic date. Buy a tub of popcorn, wait until the lights dim, and carefully make a hole in the bottom on the tub. Then, inconspicuously insert your penis through the bottom of the tub into the popcorn and casually offer some to your bitch. When she digs in, she will find nice surprise. Who doesn't love buttered popcorn?

Puerto Rican Fog Bank
While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphincter fog directly into her nostrils.

Purple Mushroom
This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

Queef
A well known, but sometimes embarrassing occurrence. Queefing happens when air gets trapped in a girls vagina, and makes a soft hissing, or farting kind of a sound while that air is released.

The Ram
When attacking from behind, you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy in those lulls in penile sensitivity.

Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watch her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips

Red Wings
Another name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn your red wings soldier!

Resuscitation
When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest baddest fart ever known to man and see if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.

The Roddy Piper
When getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on her and knock her out ala Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again.

The Rodeo
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, fucking a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw!

The Rose Creeper
Seductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your sweetheart's neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to fuck her ass while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.

The Rusty Trombone
This is what happens when you've got a less then respectable female (AKA be-yatch) tongue deep in your chute. She wiggles her tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic priest doing an Alter Boy, thus mimicking a trombone player.

Sandbag
Under an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young hottie and engage in the well known cliche of sex on the beach. Just before insertion, remove the rubber (without getting caught of course), and proceed to fuck away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away laughing hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-necked, and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during the spring break season.

The Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

The Seatbelt
While one fag straddles his partners cock, he receives a blowjob from the fruitcake on the bottom.

Shirley Temple
Pour a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her out.

The Shocker
When you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.)

Shop Vac
When a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction power.

Shrimping
The term for licking or sucking your partner's toes.

Skiing
While facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore cross-country action.

Slumpbuster
When a professional athlete finds the dirtiest, nastiest, fattest, most disease-ridden skank and puts the wood to her with the intent that it will break up a slump.

Snerd Nurgling
The act of moving your anal lovers turds about within his/her lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"...

Snoodling
When an uncircumcised homo pulls his extra foreskin over the cock of another homo and proceeds to jerk him off. Those gays have way too much free time. Can be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!"

Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.

The Snuff
Lovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or ragging girlfriend and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple Polaroids, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a snuff film superstar.

Stranger
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, giving you the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

Stranger On The Rocks
Numbing your hand by sticking it in a bucket of ice and then jerking off. Spanken not stirred.

Strangers In The Night
When you and your gay buddy each numb your hand (you should know how by now) and spank each other off. Thus eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else, from someone else.

Stingy Nut
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass.

Sud N' Fud
When trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm catholic.", "Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After hearing all this bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck that instead.

Surfing
This happens when you nail a fat woman. As you watch the rippling effect of her rolls with every thrust, along with the feeling of being drenched, off balance, out of control, and in danger, you are given the sense of riding the ultimate wave.


Swimmer's Ear
When a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple head in her ear, and fill her ear with some sweet love seed. Hopefully, you will give her an infection.

Tea Bag
To perform the tea bag, have the girl lay flat on her back. Then you squat over her with your hands on your knees, and gently dip your nut sac in and out of her mouth in a motion similar to performing some kind of fucked up yoga exercise.

3-Eyed Turtle
Basically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.

The Tortoise
When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did.

Tossing Salad
A common prison act where one person basically chows asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. (I.e. jelly, syrup, olive oil, etc.)

Tropical Wind
When getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you break wind.

Tuna Melt
You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be that time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

Twisted Sister
Have your dominatrix girlfriend dress up in some hot black leather gimp wear and proceed to handcuff your hands behind your back and then force you to your knees. Unsuspecting, diminutive, and cradled over with your ass is in the air, she then gives you the most erotic enema of your life. Now that's some great S&M fun.

Vegetarian Hot Lunch
A variation of the Hot Lunch in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with waste product occurs.

Wake Up Call
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. E.g. "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?"

The Walrus
After spunking in a girl's mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus.

Western Grip
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use, hence, western.

Westside Glaze
Same as the eastside glaze, but the majority of your jizz lands on the left side of her face.

The Woody Woodpecker
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her forehead.

The Zombie Mask
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good week's worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 21, 2009, 09:54:11 AM
The Bobbit
Term for the likely result of doing most of the things on Demosthenes' list 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Russell Griswold on January 21, 2009, 09:59:12 AM
The Bobbit
Term for the likely result of doing most of the things on Demosthenes' list 

Haha!  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: John Shaw on January 21, 2009, 05:33:46 PM
[youtube=425,350]TywmpMQYojs[/youtube]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQYojs
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Shadowtheweak on January 21, 2009, 05:49:40 PM
A man walks into a bar
His addiction to alcohol is tearing his family apart.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MasterShake on January 21, 2009, 10:10:49 PM
One day a NEA member sits his kids down and asks them "Why do we celebrate easter?"

His first child says "Ohh! I Know!  That's when we shoot a big bird, and have the family over for dinner!"

"No," the NEA member replies. "That's not it.  What do you think?" he asks his second child.

"Isn't Easter when a little fat man dressed in red brings toys to all the boys and girls?"

"No," the NEA guy said again.  "Easter is when they put Jesus on the cross, then after he died, they put his body in a cave, then rolled a rock in front of the door.  Three days later, the rock rolled away, Jesus stepped out, saw his shadow, and there were six more weeks of winter."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mikehz on January 21, 2009, 11:01:43 PM
World's oldest recorded joke, from 1900 B.C. Samaria: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: A young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap."


Obviously, they didn't have much to chose from back then.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on January 22, 2009, 12:38:55 AM
When is a door not a door?

When its ajar.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: John Shaw on January 25, 2009, 09:36:04 AM
A Rabbi and a Priest are walking down the street when they see a 7 year old boy come out of a candy store.
The Priest says "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid with me?"
to which the Rabbi replies "OUT OF WHAT?"



Q. How do you make a dead baby float? A. 1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of dead baby.



I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?



A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."



I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?



Why didn't people tell jokes about Jonestown? The punchline was too long.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: John Shaw on January 25, 2009, 09:42:13 AM
(http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/song-chart-memes-likelihood-hell-cheat-on-you.gif)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 25, 2009, 10:05:25 AM
(http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/song-chart-memes-likelihood-hell-cheat-on-you.gif)

And if one of those games is World of Warcraft, chances are he'll only cheat with a sexy night or blood elf. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: JWI on January 25, 2009, 10:08:05 AM
(http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/song-chart-memes-likelihood-hell-cheat-on-you.gif)

And if one of those games is World of Warcraft, chances are he'll only cheat with a sexy night or blood elf. 

The truth, you speak it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on January 25, 2009, 10:35:43 AM

How is a Mexican like a cue ball?

The harder you hit it, the more english you get.



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: JWI on January 25, 2009, 10:38:23 AM

How is a Mexican like a cue ball?

The harder you hit it, the more english you get.





 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

thanks for that!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 25, 2009, 11:23:30 AM
Approx. 1 million attended obama's innauguration(sp?)
most of them black.
but, only 3 black people missed work that day

ba-doom-tsss
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jermaine justice on January 25, 2009, 11:36:41 AM
awful jokes, but maybe this will come in handy for future knee-slappers http://www.instantrimshot.com (http://www.instantrimshot.com)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 25, 2009, 12:04:10 PM
how many irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

4

1 to hold the bulb & 3 to drink till the room spins
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 25, 2009, 12:07:03 PM
how many male chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

none. let the bitch vacuum in the dark.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: MacFall on January 25, 2009, 12:10:27 PM
how many irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

4

1 to hold the bulb & 3 to drink till the room spins

Oh god my ribs  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 25, 2009, 05:15:34 PM
what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?



nuthin.
she already been told twice.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on January 26, 2009, 12:57:06 PM
what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?



nuthin.
she already been told twice.
:lol:

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 26, 2009, 01:30:12 PM
what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?



nuthin.
she already been told twice.

Lyndon Johnson wants his joke back. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 26, 2009, 05:58:04 PM
what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?



nuthin.
she already been told twice.

Lyndon Johnson wants his joke back. 

i don't see any rib-spitters from you..........
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on January 26, 2009, 07:34:22 PM
What did the white guy see when looking at his family tree?


A straight line.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 26, 2009, 07:35:05 PM
what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?



nuthin.
she already been told twice.

Lyndon Johnson wants his joke back. 

i don't see any rib-spitters from you..........

Well, that makes us even.   :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 26, 2009, 08:03:26 PM
what did rose kennedy say when jackie died?


"was teddy driving?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 27, 2009, 01:18:30 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-denial-fail.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Keels on January 27, 2009, 01:43:34 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-denial-fail.jpg)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

awesome.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 27, 2009, 05:50:06 PM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/fail-owned-denial-fail.jpg)


*yawn*
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 27, 2009, 05:59:49 PM
In honor of the idiotic Oregon mom who won't return the book "Bunny Suicides" to the library (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/384107_bunnysuicide21.html (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/384107_bunnysuicide21.html)).....

(http://blog.jimmyr.com/pics/158_59.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 27, 2009, 06:02:51 PM
(http://blog.jimmyr.com/pics/158_18.jpg)
(http://blog.jimmyr.com/pics/158_19.jpg)
(http://blog.jimmyr.com/pics/158_20.jpg)
(http://blog.jimmyr.com/pics/158_21.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 27, 2009, 06:17:52 PM
this thread =


Re: Jokes
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 27, 2009, 06:29:20 PM
this thread =
Re: Jokes

You ! = the boss of me
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 27, 2009, 06:29:35 PM
guy walks into a pet store 4:45 pm,  xmas eve, in a snit:
"i need an all white puppy, for my wife's christmas present"
"mista, it's 15 minutes to closing, christmas eve. white puppies are special order. i can't help you"
"you don't understand. i missed her birthday & our anniversary. all she wants is a white puppy. i'm dead if i don't get one"
"buddy, all i got that's all white, is a female gorilla....out back"
"what the fuck do i do with a white gorilla?"
"i dunno, but it gives the BEST blowjobs....check it out"

guy comes out 10 min. later....
"i'll take it"

xmas morning, wife comes downstairs to a huge package, husband reading the paper by the tree.
she gleefully unwraps the pkg. to find a large cage w/ the white gorilla inside.

angrily, she says:
"it's a fucking gorilla. a white gorilla. what the fuck am i going to do with a white gorilla?"

without looking up from the paper, he says,

"teach it to cook, then get the fuck out."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 27, 2009, 06:30:20 PM
this thread =
Re: Jokes

You ! = the boss of me


that's more like it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 27, 2009, 06:34:46 PM
this thread =
Re: Jokes

You ! = the boss of me


that's more like it.

http://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/library/ms174629.aspx (http://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/library/ms174629.aspx)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on January 27, 2009, 06:37:51 PM
Rill are you in the shrine? I'm curious to see what you look like.

I imagine a little bit older version of this:
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2028/1593901734_5299b50442.jpg?v=0)

Except with a don't mess with Texas shirt.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on January 27, 2009, 07:02:59 PM
Rill are you in the shrine? I'm curious to see what you look like.

I imagine a little bit older version of this:
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2028/1593901734_5299b50442.jpg?v=0)

Except with a don't mess with Texas shirt.

No, no, and hell no.   :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on January 28, 2009, 12:21:54 PM
Rill are you in the shrine? I'm curious to see what you look like.

I imagine a little bit older version of this:
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2028/1593901734_5299b50442.jpg?v=0)

Except with a don't mess with Texas shirt.



that broad looks like a red-headed step-troll
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BonerJoe on January 29, 2009, 03:20:13 PM
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
“WHAT?”.

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.



http://www.worthalaugh.com/2009/01/27/no-sex-tonight/
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 29, 2009, 07:54:50 PM
That was a good one.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on February 01, 2009, 03:07:48 PM
why can't you play uno w/ hispanics?

cuz they keep stealing all the green cards


heyyyyyoooooooohh
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: sterlingnickle on February 01, 2009, 03:19:34 PM
  A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
 tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
 cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
 from a large plate glass window.
 
 For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of
 me.'

  The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't
 realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
 The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
 Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for
 the last 25 years.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: John Shaw on February 01, 2009, 07:04:30 PM
Two detectives in New Mexico were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective.

"I don't know," replied the second guy, "but it sure made a hole in Juan."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on February 01, 2009, 07:37:22 PM
pedro notices his cousin juan keeps getting richer & richer, decked out in gold & diamonds, shiny new rolls royce, literally throwing money around.
"que pasa, juan?  how you afford all dees mowing lawns? sheet, man, you don' even work no more."
"pedro, is easy, bro. i go up to white people, like a beggar, an say, "please senor, i only need 50 dollars more to go back to mexico."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on February 01, 2009, 08:48:26 PM
I told my main girl the one about not needing to tell a girl anything if she has two black eyes and she actually found it amusing.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on February 01, 2009, 08:51:09 PM
I told my main girl the one about not needing to tell a girl anything if she has two black eyes and she actually found it amusing.


your'e welcome.

see rillion, i actually have people enjoying mah jokes...
you?????

[youtube=425,350]CQFEY9RIRJA[/youtube]


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on February 02, 2009, 08:59:52 AM
I told my main girl the one about not needing to tell a girl anything if she has two black eyes and she actually found it amusing.


your'e welcome.

see rillion, i actually have people enjoying mah jokes...
you?????

Yeah, there are people who will laugh at anything.  I might've  laughed at the black eye joke myself, if it hadn't been the 3,000th time I'd heard it. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Keels on February 02, 2009, 10:34:17 AM
I told my main girl the one about not needing to tell a girl anything if she has two black eyes and she actually found it amusing.



I think most girls with a sense of humor would laugh...unless you were beating her while telling it to her.

then it's not so funny. :(
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on February 02, 2009, 04:43:15 PM
I told my main girl the one about not needing to tell a girl anything if she has two black eyes and she actually found it amusing.



I think most girls with a sense of humor would laugh...unless you were beating her while telling it to her.

then it's not so funny. :(

I was beating her actually.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on February 02, 2009, 04:43:50 PM
I told my main girl the one about not needing to tell a girl anything if she has two black eyes and she actually found it amusing.



I think most girls with a sense of humor would laugh...unless you were beating her while telling it to her.

then it's not so funny. :(

I was beating her actually. . . . at pool! ZING!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Keels on February 03, 2009, 07:30:08 AM
I told my main girl the one about not needing to tell a girl anything if she has two black eyes and she actually found it amusing.



I think most girls with a sense of humor would laugh...unless you were beating her while telling it to her.

then it's not so funny. :(

I was beating her actually. . . . at pool! ZING!


ZING indeed.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: John Shaw on February 05, 2009, 02:37:30 PM
What sound does a collapsing mine make?


A Flat Minor.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on February 05, 2009, 03:04:15 PM
What are the following drawings of?

(http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f261/a2000rdr/jokes.jpg)

Pro tip: You just need to click on quote to read the small print.
Answer Left:Black man in a well
Answer Right:Mexican on a bike
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on February 05, 2009, 03:43:16 PM
without cheatin
1st one is, >>>the last thing a black guy sees after being thrown into a well.
2nd one ???
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on February 05, 2009, 05:21:16 PM
without cheatin
1st one is, >>>the last thing a black guy sees after being thrown into a well.
2nd one ???

My first thought was "pierced nipple," but I turned out to be wrong. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on February 05, 2009, 05:44:20 PM
without cheatin
1st one is, >>>the last thing a black guy sees after being thrown into a well.
2nd one ???

My first thought was "pierced nipple," but I turned out to be wrong. 

Let me know if the answers need more explanation.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on February 05, 2009, 05:55:01 PM
without cheatin
1st one is, >>>the last thing a black guy sees after being thrown into a well.
2nd one ???

My first thought was "pierced nipple," but I turned out to be wrong. 

Let me know if the answers need more explanation.


naw... i cheated on the 2nd....
took me a minute........the fucking BIG-ASS HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sombrero
my folks brought back 2 REAL SIZE of these fuckers from TJ, or Mex city,  back in the early 70's....i think they're still around..
i don't know HOW the fuck they got 'em on the plane, tatoo
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on February 05, 2009, 05:59:30 PM
without cheatin
1st one is, >>>the last thing a black guy sees after being thrown into a well.
2nd one ???

My first thought was "pierced nipple," but I turned out to be wrong. 

Let me know if the answers need more explanation.


naw... i cheated on the 2nd....
took me a minute........the fucking BIG-ASS HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sombrero

Cheated? I would have never guessed either one of those.

+1 for getting the first one.

Perhaps the fact that you got the answer without looking proves you are a racist after all?!?!?  :P
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: orion on February 05, 2009, 06:07:22 PM
What are the following drawings of?
...
Pro tip: You just need to click on quote to read the small print.
Answer Left:Black man in a well
Answer Right:Mexican on a bike

Those are some large bike tires.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on February 05, 2009, 06:15:57 PM
What are the following drawings of?
...
Pro tip: You just need to click on quote to read the small print.
Answer Left:Black man in a well
Answer Right:Mexican on a bike

Those are some large bike tires.

Your right. I drew it reeeally quick in AutoCAD but that is no excuse for not drawing things to scale.

A drafter always draws to scale!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on February 05, 2009, 06:19:20 PM
without cheatin
1st one is, >>>the last thing a black guy sees after being thrown into a well.
2nd one ???

My first thought was "pierced nipple," but I turned out to be wrong. 

Let me know if the answers need more explanation.


naw... i cheated on the 2nd....
took me a minute........the fucking BIG-ASS HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sombrero

Cheated? I would have never guessed either one of those.

+1 for getting the first one.

Perhaps the fact that you got the answer without looking proves you are a racist after all?!?!?  :P


nigga, i WROTE the joke
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on February 05, 2009, 06:25:29 PM
without cheatin
1st one is, >>>the last thing a black guy sees after being thrown into a well.
2nd one ???

My first thought was "pierced nipple," but I turned out to be wrong. 

Let me know if the answers need more explanation.


naw... i cheated on the 2nd....
took me a minute........the fucking BIG-ASS HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sombrero

Cheated? I would have never guessed either one of those.

+1 for getting the first one.

Perhaps the fact that you got the answer without looking proves you are a racist after all?!?!?  :P


nigga, i WROTE the joke

Well I didn't know I's talking to D legend himself. Shiiit!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on February 05, 2009, 06:32:40 PM
without cheatin
1st one is, >>>the last thing a black guy sees after being thrown into a well.
2nd one ???

My first thought was "pierced nipple," but I turned out to be wrong. 

Let me know if the answers need more explanation.


naw... i cheated on the 2nd....
took me a minute........the fucking BIG-ASS HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sombrero

Cheated? I would have never guessed either one of those.

+1 for getting the first one.

Perhaps the fact that you got the answer without looking proves you are a racist after all?!?!?  :P


nigga, i WROTE the joke

Well I didn't know I's talking to D legend himself. Shiiit!

i lie (hard 2 believe)
a bartender-buddy of mine....a 2-tour viet-nam dude, showed me this years ago.
fuckin guy has more jokes under his hat.........
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: John Shaw on February 05, 2009, 08:10:26 PM
I heard those jokes when I was six or seven from another kid at school. Probably 1980 or so. It's easy to draw the little figures.

The first one can also be answered "Mice eating cheese"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on February 05, 2009, 08:13:25 PM
The first one can also be answered "Mice eating cheese"

I think that's funnier. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: sterlingnickle on February 23, 2009, 03:37:36 PM
"Endangered species"

One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle. "Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger.

The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.

In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

"I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!"

To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?"

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: sterlingnickle on March 19, 2009, 12:12:58 PM
Subject: Update on the war in Iraq...

The Department Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.


Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.


Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?' This is especially funny since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mikehz on March 19, 2009, 12:27:50 PM
Subject: Update on the war in Iraq...

The Department Of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.


Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.


Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?' This is especially funny since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.



Heard this one last year, except it was a Bush joke.

Now, it's not as funny, since we all know Obama probably knows what Brazil is.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 26, 2009, 01:11:56 AM
A man is visiting a doctor, asks if he will live to be 100.
Doc asks "Do you drink, smoke, ride motorcycles, or chase women?"
"No of couse not" he replies!
Then why would you want to live to be 100?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: conrad from spain on March 26, 2009, 05:29:56 AM
A man visiting the doctor gets the bad news, "You only have two weeks to live."

The man, very distraught at this terrible notice, asks, "Is there anything I can do?"

"Well," says the doctor, "no alcohol, no cigarrettes, no drugs and no women."

"Will that make me live longer?"

"No," answers the doctor, "but they'll be the longest two weeks of your life!!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on March 26, 2009, 12:31:44 PM
What's the difference between free sex and sex you pay for?



Sex you pay for is usually cheaper.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Evil Muppet on March 26, 2009, 01:10:13 PM
A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequilia. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other.

"Holy shit!" the bartender exclaimes "That the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before - whats the occassion?"

"My first blow job" the man anounces quite plainly.

"Well" the bartender replies "let me buy you another!"

"Listen, if 9 doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on June 16, 2009, 03:05:10 PM
As a plane is losing power, a pilot comes over the intercom & says
"sorry it had to come to this folks, but we've already let the luggage
go & the plane continues to lose speed". "i hate to have to do this, but
now we're gonna have to start releasing passengers by alphabet order
beginning with the letter "A"AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS"?... No one answers
"B" BLACK PEOPLE ANY BLACK PEOPLE"? again, silence."C" COLORED PEOPLE,
ANY COLORED PEOPLE"?...silence. A black boy turns to his mother & says
"mom, aren't we african american?, aren't we black? Aren't we colored"?
the mother turns to her son & says today we NIGGAS, let mexicans go
first".The little black boy turns to the little mexican kid sitting next
to him and laughs! The mexican kids laughs back & says "nigga I'm a
WETBACK
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 16, 2009, 03:38:52 PM
As a plane is losing power, a pilot comes over the intercom & says
"sorry it had to come to this folks, but we've already let the luggage
go & the plane continues to lose speed". "i hate to have to do this, but
now we're gonna have to start releasing passengers by alphabet order
beginning with the letter "A"AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS"?... No one answers
"B" BLACK PEOPLE ANY BLACK PEOPLE"? again, silence."C" COLORED PEOPLE,
ANY COLORED PEOPLE"?...silence. A black boy turns to his mother & says
"mom, aren't we african american?, aren't we black? Aren't we colored"?
the mother turns to her son & says today we NIGGAS, let mexicans go
first".The little black boy turns to the little mexican kid sitting next
to him and laughs! The mexican kids laughs back & says "nigga I'm a
WETBACK

lol good one.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Yellow American on June 17, 2009, 02:37:48 AM
顶楼主!UP!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 17, 2009, 02:43:24 AM
Tower main thing up! ?!?!?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: libertylover on June 17, 2009, 01:33:13 PM
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom covers up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 19, 2009, 12:56:31 AM
Why Some Men Have Dogs and not Wives

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
 
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
 
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
 
4. A dog's parents never visit.
 
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
 
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on September 23, 2009, 12:15:01 PM
Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns
 


Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled
and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had
to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is
19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted
him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having
an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling
and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can
you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by
checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it
is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake
manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the
fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure
to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: davann on September 23, 2009, 02:59:17 PM
A good looking dude picks up another good looking dude at the local gay bar. They head back to his place for a little fun in the bedroom.

When they arrive the 1st dude decides the shower in the morning didn't take and it might be time for another. So he excuses himself explaining the situation to his guest.

Coming out of the shower the guy is shocked to see the other dude is laying naked on the bed along with a big turd near the end of the bed.

"What the fuck, man!" exclaims the guy.

To which the guest explains, "Sorry, I was so horny I couldn't wait. I started without you and came already."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Libertarianssuck on September 23, 2009, 03:30:58 PM
gross and i don't really get the humor...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on September 23, 2009, 03:44:34 PM
gross and i don't really get the humor...

Ditto. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BonerJoe on September 23, 2009, 05:01:12 PM
What was the point of the turd?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: davann on September 23, 2009, 05:41:21 PM
What was the point of the turd?

Damn, it ain't funny if it has to be explained but here goes.

The turd is the ejaculate of the gay male guest.

Forget it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on September 23, 2009, 05:43:47 PM
What was the point of the turd?

Damn, it ain't funny if it has to be explained but here goes.

The turd is the ejaculate of the gay male guest.

Forget it.

Ummm, what?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Libertarianssuck on September 23, 2009, 05:46:41 PM
What was the point of the turd?

Damn, it ain't funny if it has to be explained but here goes.

The turd is the ejaculate of the gay male guest.

Forget it.

Ummm, what?

apparently gay guys function differently and ejaculate by taking a shit........
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: davann on September 23, 2009, 05:50:46 PM
What was the point of the turd?

Damn, it ain't funny if it has to be explained but here goes.

The turd is the ejaculate of the gay male guest.

Forget it.

Ummm, what?

apparently gay guys function differently and ejaculate by taking a shit........

Exactly. Good stuff.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Libertarianssuck on September 23, 2009, 05:58:00 PM
Still fail to see the humor...



A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's your name?" she asks the first.
To her surprise, the dog answers "My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles."
She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My name's Duey and I'm
having a great day going in and out of puddles." She turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going
to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The dog replies "No,
I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on September 23, 2009, 11:33:33 PM
    T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
    T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S 
    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
   
    You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: rookie on September 24, 2009, 03:08:34 AM
What was the point of the turd?

Damn, it ain't funny if it has to be explained but here goes.

The turd is the ejaculate of the gay male guest.

Forget it.

Ummm, what?



apparently gay guys function differently and ejaculate by taking a shit........

Exactly. Good stuff.

:lol:  its even funnier when you have to explain it!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on September 27, 2009, 12:24:00 PM
Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if; they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:  In dark sunglasses he darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:  Repeated his June 15th condom trick with a new twist; he added Depends and a personal lubricant to everyone’s carts.

13. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!  There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
Title: I be thinkin that Ebonics be stupid
Post by: AngryHateMusic on September 27, 2009, 12:36:13 PM
 
"I be thinkin that Ebonics be stupid"

1.
Leroy is 18 and in the 8th grade. Homework is hard for him.
One day, Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence. Here's what he wrote. (Ebonic style)
1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.
2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT
they gonna send me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money
FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man,
somebody give that CATACOMB.
6. PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.
7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks
fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment
UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI - I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't
find no TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
11. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I
SELDOM.
12. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.
13. HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in
school.
14. INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.
15. HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR
first?

16. FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.

2.
In the past, our ATM machines have had 2 choices on them.
English, or Espanol. Now, they look like this:
Enter Language Preference:

1. English
2. Espanol
3. Mo Money

3.
ARTERY........................... The study of painings
BARIUM........................... What you do when CPR fails
CESAREAN SECTION....... A district in Rome
COLIC.............................. A sheep dog
DILATE............................ To live longer
FESTER.......................... Quicker
G.I. SERIES.................... Baseball game between teams of soldires
HANGNAIL...................... A coat hook
MORBID.......................... A higher offer
NITRATE......................... Higher than day rate
NODE............................. Was aware of
ORGANIC........................ Musical
OUTPATIENT................... A person who has fainted
POST-OPERATIVE............ A letter carrier
PROTEIN.......................... In favor of young people
SECRETION..................... Hiding anything
SEROLOGY...................... A study of English knighthood
TABLET............................. A small table
TUMOR............................. An extra pair
URINE.............................. Opposite of you're out
VARICOSE VEINS............ Veins which are very close together

4.
Now that you learned how Leroy applies the English language to
everyday conversation, I've now prepared a reference to interpret
Leroy's typical idioms.

A few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the
ve-nak-u-lar...


"Damn - that s**t is DOPE!"
~~~~~ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.


"I can't FADE that!"
~~~~~ I am unable to handle this at this time.


"Shante ain't HAVIN' it!"
~~~~~ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.


"Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats."
~~~~~ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.


"YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!"
~~~~~ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?


"JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!"
~~~~~ I had in my possession of a condom, which was used in my
engagement of sexual activity.


"What's up? Why you ALL UP IN my s**t!?!"
~~~~~ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.


"She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!"
~~~~~ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in
dating you is non-existant at this time.


"Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was
SMOOOOOOOVE!"
~~~~~ Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the
female, with the intention of asking her on a date.


"STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEENER..."
~~~~~ It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this
area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to
shoot bullets into your fanny with my 9mm handgun.


"Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"
~~~~~ Why are the police officers always worried?


"Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."
~~~~~ It is Friday evening, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce
bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.
 
5.
Ebonics beauty pageant

The first Ebonics Beauty Pageant was to be held in Oakland on Valentine's Day but it had to be cancelled. The committee could only get 49 states to send representatives because no one wanted to say in public "IDAHO".
 
 
6.
A Prayer???

English:

Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.
Amen

Ebonics:

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this here hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
don't be pushing me into no jive
and keep dem Crips away
'Cause you always be da Man
Aaa-men
 
7.
Ebonics MidTerm

Algebra I Mid Term Exam ...........Ebonics Version

Directions: -Make sho yo be putting yo name on the upper right hand comer.
-Don't be axing no dumbass questions and keep yo shifty mothafuckin eyes on yo own sorryass papers.
Number I.(25%)
Elon and Tyrell bot want to meet fo lunch. Elon's home be 5 mile north of Tyrell. If Elon leave at 10:30 bookin bout 3 mile per hour while Tyrell, who have one coolass bike, ain't not departin till I 1:00 zoomin bout 20 mile per hour, what time be Elon axing Tyrell for a bite of fiied chicken?

Number 2.(25%)
Yolanda, she be 11 year older than her daughter Carinda. Carinda have a
bitch Carmel who haf her age. In how many years be Carmel haf as old as
that uglyass ho Yolanda?

Number 3.(40%)
If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain't not got
nothing but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap stuff be
Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie?

Number 4.(10%)
Lenwood and Keshawn jus lifted one gross of basketballs offa Kmart. If studly Lenwood can dunk fo mo balls per minute than Keshawn, how long be these bros slammin and jammin fo they be needin suh mo balls to play wif?

Extra Credit:

Which number, A or B be bigger? Make sho you shows all yo work.
A. The total number of hos Wilt Chamberlain and B.B. King be sleeping wif.

B. The number of yard OJ done ran fo in his best season timeses the number a cuts he be putting in that nogood honkey bitch Nicole afta catchin her wif a guy what ain't got no goddam mothafuckin rights be ridin roun wif OJs car.
 
8.
What did you say.?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public. That's disgusting!"
"Hey, coola down lady," the man replies, "I'mma just tella my friend how to spell Mississippi."
 
9.
No doubt some Bible societies will feel compelled to publish a new translation of the Holy Scriptures in the newly discovered language of Ebonics. Here is a head start for them:
EBONICS ENGLISH

Big Daddy's Rap The Lord's Prayer

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin' Hallowed be thy name

So be yo hood Thy kingdom come

You be sayin it, I be doin it Thy will be done

In this here hood and yos On Earth as it is in Heaven

Gimme some eats Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin it to dem dat dis me As we forgive those who trespass against us

Don't be pushin me into no jive And lead us not into temptation

And keep dem Crips away But deliver us from evil

Cuz you always be da man For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the glory forever and ever

Aaa-men Amen
 
10.
Hooked on Ebonics

Now people who have had the luxury of learning from the Hooked on Phonics
tapes can look foward to the all new Hooked on Ebonics series. As you all
know, the Hooked on Phonics tapes taught us sentence structure like.

"That dog is running across the street fast"

But now that we have mastered that form of language, we can begin to start
our Hooked on Ebonics series. This series will teach us new and improved
sentence structure like...

"Dat mutt be runnin' cross da steet ly a ma-fa"

This new series will ultimately teach you how to relate to others in a new
language. In other words, it will be teaching you how to properly
structure words and spell them in a way that saves time. In short it is
a revision of how you USED to talk before you got suckered into purchasing
the Hooked on Phonics tapes. These tapes will be available only after you
purchase the Hooked on Phonics tapes. Finally, this new series will not
only teach people a new way of communicating, but it will allow people to
choose how they wish to communcate. Or in Ebonics terms...

Dis new stuff be show'n fowks how to be speek'n to dey own
peepole 'nd't be show'n peepole dat dey can choos how to be
speek'n to eech uder.

Leroy is a 20 year old 9th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment
after completing the Hooked on Ebonics series. He successfully used each
vocabulary word in a sentence.

(I think these are new ones......)

1. Acoustic - When I was little my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to
da pool hall.

2. Iraq - When we get to da pool hall I tol my uncle iraq you break.

3. Odyssey - I tol my brother you odyssey da buty on that hoe.

4. Sodomy - When I go out at night, I like to have one bitch on one
sodomy and another bitcho n de other sodomy.

5. Decide - My favorite girls are Waanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep
a couple on decide.

6. Afford - I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but had to settle for afford.

7. Subpoena - I went to the john at the concert, but the lines were long
and I hadda go bad, so da man sez subpoena sink.

8. Manual - I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you
keep messin with dat hoe.

9. Mister - My girlfrin went on vacation and I really mister.

10. Cadaver - I told my buddy Tyrone I liked his sister and wanted to see
her and he said I cadaver.

11. Paramour - I was playing cards with my buddy Antonio and I said 'Wadda
you got?' He said 'I got an ace high and you're gonna need a paramour
to beat me.

12. Polyp - On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was
involved in a fi car polyp.

13. Urinal - After the police broke down my door last night, they said,
'Darnett, urinal lot a trouble.'
T h e . e n d .
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on October 03, 2009, 11:15:16 PM
This guy is hauling ass
(http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs269.snc1/9632_1139968053645_1060710044_30362799_330665_n.jpg)
http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs269.snc1/9632_1139968053645_1060710044_30362799_330665_n.jpg

Literally
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on October 03, 2009, 11:50:31 PM
That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on October 03, 2009, 11:57:41 PM
That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Chick must weigh at least twice as much as I do!  :shock:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on October 04, 2009, 12:12:09 AM
That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Chick must weigh at least twice as much as I do!  :shock:
Probably about 3X as much as me! Grosss. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on October 04, 2009, 12:31:52 AM
That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Chick must weigh at least twice as much as I do!  :shock:
Probably about 3X as much as me! Grosss. 
Well I guess in certain terms this guy gets more ass than I do  :? :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on October 04, 2009, 12:51:06 AM
That looks dangerous. Especially up a hill.
Chick must weigh at least twice as much as I do!  :shock:
Probably about 3X as much as me! Grosss. 
Well I guess in certain terms this guy gets more ass than I do  :? :lol:
HAHA but is he better off for it?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on October 18, 2009, 06:49:50 AM
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.  They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
 
A search for a Virgin continues.
 
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on October 18, 2009, 05:00:46 PM
I was on my way to Lowe's Home Improvement this afternoon to do my part to stimulate the economy and I found myself behind a car bearing a bumper sticker that read,
 
"We did it!" - "Obama / Biden".

Well, as luck would have it they pulled along side of me at a red light about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up.  She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!
 
She thanked me. And I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copied from the internet.  However it does however sound like something I would love to do!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: BonerJoe on October 18, 2009, 05:54:41 PM
lol
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on November 08, 2009, 04:06:29 PM
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused...

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment..  He went on for over
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.  'In fact, 'he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.   'In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.  The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on November 12, 2009, 07:36:15 PM
Natural Born Citizen
QUALIFICATIONS

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same 18-year-olds that just elected the new
President of the United States. Now we know why.

And don't forget, "They walk among us!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: upperdeck on November 12, 2009, 09:54:18 PM
What does a fat white chick and brick have in common?

Both are likely to get laid by a Mexican within the hour.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CaL DaVe on November 13, 2009, 06:44:34 PM
What does a fat white chick and brick have in common?

Both are likely to get laid by a Mexican within the hour.

I'm done with the bricks...

Now I'm coming for your Fat Momma!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on November 18, 2009, 12:25:53 PM
A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural..
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
'Well, that 's a good start.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyonehere ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further....
Have any ofyou ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says
'Son, all the years I'vebeen giving this lecture,
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin,
and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
'So, Bubba,tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied,
" crap , from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on November 18, 2009, 12:26:15 PM
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney,
"the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued,
"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking,
really making the bedsprings bounce,
when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on November 18, 2009, 03:44:56 PM
Many many years ago, when i was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red,
My father fell in love with her and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my fathers wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy,
my little baby then became a brother-in law to my dad,
and so became my uncle, that thought it made me sad,
for if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
to the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother,
fathers wife then had a son who kept them on the run
and he was my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
because although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,
and every time i think of it, it simply drives me wild
for now i have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpa.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on November 22, 2009, 01:52:15 PM
The World's Shortest Books
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
____________________________________________
OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by Tiger Woods
______________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
THE SEQUEL
by Bill Clinton
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE...
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
_________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
______________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND JUST ADDED:
COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY!
by Nancy Pelosi
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on November 25, 2009, 03:59:41 AM
The farmer and the DEA agent

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull . . .

  With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . .

“Your badge. Show him your BADGE!”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on November 25, 2009, 10:38:59 AM
I like that joke.  I also like that you specified that the officer verbally exploded rather than that he literally  exploded, because otherwise that would be the end of the joke.  But only slightly less gratifying, probably. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on November 25, 2009, 02:32:44 PM
So I hear Obama is going to do an X-Mas Special with Oprah.  I guess I put this in the wrong thread because it's not a joke, it's just so realistic that it may as well be.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 07, 2009, 04:53:30 AM
Commas save lives!

(http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee179/gbwinger/Humor/commassavelives.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 11, 2009, 03:02:38 PM
Sex & Parking Spaces

1, You should never have to wait to find one.

2, You should be able to slide right into one.

3, Spaces in the front are always the best.

4, When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice.

5, It sucks when someone else is double-parked.

6, Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back.

7, It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces.

8, A full-size car is good to find.

9, People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces.

10, Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying.

11, We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit.

12, A house isn't a home without a parking space.

13, Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear.

14, Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?

15, The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 16, 2009, 03:31:42 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/rKRYV.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 08, 2010, 10:03:26 AM
What's the difference between a quart of freshly brewed coffee and a quart of freshly brewed urine?














You can hold a quart of freshly brewed coffee longer.
Title: Math Teacher Arrested on Terrorism Charges
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 16, 2010, 02:01:08 PM
A math teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.  He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.  As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."  White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 21, 2010, 07:46:03 PM
The United States Center for Contagious Disease Control has issued a level 1 warning about a new virulent strain that has been quickly spreading. The disease is contracted through dangerously high-risk behavior.
 
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim, and is pronounced "gonna re-elect them."
 
Research has confirmed that most victims contracted this dangerous and destructive disease after having been screwed in November 2008.
 
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become and have further learned that it is easily cured .... by simply voting out all incumbents!
 
In spite of the perils, Pelosi, Reid and Obama are working in secret legislation to place Gonorrhea Lectim on the endangered species list to assure its survival
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on January 22, 2010, 12:50:43 AM
NICE
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on January 22, 2010, 03:08:53 PM
NICE


Which one?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on January 22, 2010, 03:33:37 PM
Well the snowmobile one was new to me, but they were both lol worthy.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 24, 2010, 09:50:03 PM
Note: Slightly corrupted by censor

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50
years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and
reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
 
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for
the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
 
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Congress deems appropriate.
 
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS(Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).
 
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by Congress.
 
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much crap
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided
themselves on the amount of crap  they give our citizens.
 
Should you feel that you do not receive enough crap , please bring this to
the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all
the crap  you can handle.
 
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
 
PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas
and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of
the Tunnel has been turned off.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 02, 2010, 07:27:40 PM
My God....

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace '."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 07, 2010, 05:57:13 PM
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops.  "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom.   "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.   "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.   I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.  I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there."

"By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter.   Just gonna be the two of us."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ForumTroll on February 07, 2010, 11:23:51 PM
My washer and dryer are racist. They both have cycles for "whites" and "colors".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 07, 2010, 11:25:54 PM
My washer and dryer are racist. They both have cycles for "whites" and "colors".
:shock:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 09, 2010, 02:17:49 AM
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Man, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find other employment."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Sweetheart," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you have," she said, starting to cry, "and if you don't stop, I'll want a divorce!"

"But dear, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said through her rolling tears. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry again.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open: the library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a noneducational video; last week it was Porky's Revenge. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on February 11, 2010, 06:49:28 PM
Okay, not a joke per se.  But this video made me laugh.  

[youtube=425,350]<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/DKWdSCt4jGE&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/DKWdSCt4jGE&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 25, 2010, 03:36:36 PM
A cop stops a Harley for going faster than the posted speed limit, and asks the biker his name.
 
 "Fred", the biker replies.
 
 "Fred who?" the officer asks.
 
 "Just Fred", the man responds.
 
 The officer is in a good mood and tells the biker that he is going to give him a break and write out a warning instead of a ticket, but that to do so, he needs to put down a last name.
 
 The guy tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
 The officer suspects that he has a nut case on his hands but decides to play along: "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
 
 The biker replies, "It's a long story, so bear with me.
 I was born Fred Johnson.
 I studied hard and got good grades.
 
 When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
 
 Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
 
 Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
 
 Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
 
 Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me Fred Johnson with VD.
 
 Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred."
 
 The officer walked away in tears, laughing...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 03, 2010, 12:33:15 PM
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a
minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: davann on March 03, 2010, 06:32:37 PM
Some of the funny nick names of hold'em hands

Q3: Gay Waiter; San Francisco Busboy (queen with a tray)
J5: Motown; Jackson Five
J4: Flat ties (what’s a jack for?)
69: Big Lick; Dinner for Two
38: Raquel Welch


Not really jokes, but all are funny to see turned over.

How can you get a professional poker player off your balcony?

Just pay him for the Pizza! 

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 03, 2010, 10:10:35 PM
Why was the little strawberry sad? Because she was in a jam.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: davann on March 04, 2010, 03:28:46 PM
Why are wedding dresses white?

'Cause all household appliances come in white.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: John Shaw on March 04, 2010, 10:04:54 PM
Two old guys are sitting on a porch drinking beer. One of them has cuts all over his face.

As the two old men are relaxing and talking, a dog walks into the front yard and starts licking itself.

The first guy turns to the beat-up guy and says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"

The beat-up guy replies: "Well you can try, but he won't let you."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on March 04, 2010, 10:43:26 PM
One day at sea, this salty old boat captain died at the helm.  The crew was shocked and saddened to see him go.  He was a legendary sea captain, and his exploits were told as tales of heroism with genuine respect among the crew.  He'd captained for fifty years, huge boats in huge storms, never so much as scraped the paint off the bow. 

As they told their tales it was mentioned more than once, in the captains quarters there was a safe, and when the captain had to be summoned they would occasionally notice him locking the safe before he walked up to take the wheel and steer the ship to safety.

Cleaning out his quarters, they brought in a torch and cracked the safe.  Inside there was a single piece of paper, yellow with age and wear.  On the slip of paper, it said the following...  Port, left.  Starboard, right. 

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 03, 2010, 04:56:41 AM
A young boy finds a condom in his fathers coat pocket.  he asks his father what it is for.  Fearing that this could go horribly wrong he tells the boy that they keep his cigarettes dry.  Content with the answer the boys goes outside to play.  Awhile later he passes a drug store and decides to go in and get some condoms for his father.  He asks the clerk for a package of them, the clerk laughs and say sure what size would you like?  Hell if I know says the boys, just make sure that they are big enough to fit a camel.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: stngdef on April 03, 2010, 09:51:06 PM
A couple were invited to a Swanky family masked fancy Dress Halloween party. The
Wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went..
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still
early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition
In her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went Into the spare room and played poker all evening.' 'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad....
Apparently he had the time of his life.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 04, 2010, 01:45:24 PM
Back in the ‘60’s, during the Cold War, the Russians figured they’d engage in a little psychological warfare with the U.S.  Using a dummy corporation, they contacted the Trojan condom factory and ordered condoms for their troops.  They ordered 20,000 of them, 14 inches long and 4 inches in diameter.  Trojan tooled up and started producing them, then found out they were really going to the Russians.  So, when it came time to package them, they labeled them “MEDIUM”.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 04, 2010, 01:46:09 PM
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 04, 2010, 01:46:49 PM
A kid goes to his dad as says "can i have $5.00 for a Guinea Pig?".

Dad thinks for a second and says "here, take ten, find yourself an nice Irish girl".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 04, 2010, 01:47:44 PM
Q: What's the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?









A: One less drunk!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 06, 2010, 12:47:08 PM
Shamus goes to visit his old friend Fergus, but finds Fergus in bed ailing.  Shamus asks Fergus, “What is the cause of this distress.”  Fergus says, “Old Friend, I fear I am close to meeting our maker and am in a tizzy?”  Of why are you in such a tizzy says his oldest friend.  Fergus replies, “Many years ago I purchased a pint of Ireland’s finest whisky, and hid it under a board under my bed.  My wish was to have it poured over my grave after I have passed.  I fear it is close to that time, so my friend, I ask if you would do the honors for me, and fetch my jug, and pour it over my resting place?”

Shamus replies, “Fergus, we have been friends for so many years, it pains me to see you in sure stress, and of course whatever I can do to ease your passing I will do.  However, I also have one last request of you, my old friend”.

“Of course, Shamus, please ask what you desire.”

Fergus, I will gladly water your grave with your Irish, but do you mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 06, 2010, 04:45:10 PM
Things that are hard to say when drunk


             THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. Innovative

             2. Preliminary

             3. Proliferation

             4. Cinnamon

 

             THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. Specificity

             2. Anti-constitutionalistically

             3. Passive-aggressive disorder

             4. Transubstantiate

 

             THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. No thanks, I'm married.

             2. Nope, no more booze for me!

             3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

             4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

             5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

             6. Oh, I couldn't!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

             7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

             8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

             coordination.  I'd hate to look like a fool!

             9. Where is the nearest bathroom?  I refuse to pee on the side

             of the road.

             10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the

             morning.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 11, 2010, 01:45:04 PM
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
 
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the after life. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
 
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth". Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
 
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.
 
"Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, Australia and the United States stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway". Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 11, 2010, 09:51:05 PM
Two Rednecks, Larry and
Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking
beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You
know, I'm tired of going through life without an
education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community
College and sign up for some classes.'Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.The next day, Larry goes down to the
college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him
up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
history, and Logic. 'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?' 'Yeah.''Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that  you would have a yard.''That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.''Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family. ''Yes, I have a family.'I'm not  done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife,
then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed eater.'Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example.. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 11, 2010, 09:55:01 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories… There were all the regular types of stuff:  spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 12, 2010, 05:51:57 PM
Two cops come back into the police-station with their dog, after a foot-patrol in the dark side of town....

On of them lifts the dog's tail, and gives the back-end a thorough inspection......

Says the other cop: "what in the world are you looking for?"

Says the first cop: "on patrol I heard on guy in the street saying to his buddy: "look there goes that mutt with two a**holes""....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 12, 2010, 06:10:32 PM
A cop stops a guy on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just...Fred, ' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
 
The officer then presses him for his last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.   
 
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along with it.
 
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. 
 
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.  When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.   
 
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. 
 
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. 

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. 
 
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. 
 
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on April 12, 2010, 07:10:57 PM
I think you already posted that one Naismith, but it was funny the second time too.   :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 13, 2010, 12:25:15 AM
I think you already posted that one Naismith, but it was funny the second time too.   :)
Heh, probably huh!  Definitely still funny though.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Diogenes The Cynic on April 13, 2010, 12:43:22 AM
This is a text version of a conversation I had with a friend a few hours ago.

We were in my car, and I pointed to a Glock catalog in the backseat. He was all like "hey, cool".

Friend: The first thing I buy after I get my job will be a sweet piece. It'll be a wife to me. I'll caress it, and take it to bed with me.

Diogenes The Cynic: When you get a wife, what will she be to you?

Friend: She will be a gun to me.

The more you think about it, the less sense it makes, but its still hilarious.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 13, 2010, 04:59:14 PM
Poor Bob


Bob works hard at the office but  spends two  nights each week bowling, 

and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife  thinks he's pushing himself too hard,

so for his  birthday she takes him to a local strip  club.


The doorman  at the club greets them
and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya  doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's
been to this club before.

'Oh no,'  says Bob.  'He's in my
bowling league.

When they  are seated, a waitress asks
Bob  if he'd like his usual and brings over a  Budweiser.

His wife is  becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

'How  did she know  that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her,  she's the waitress
from the golf club.I  always have a Bud at the end of the
1st nine,  honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table,

throws her arms around Bob, starts  to rub herself all over him
and  says,   'Hi Bobby.  Want your usual table
dance, big boy?'

Bob's  wife, now furious, grabs her
purse and storms out of  the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting  into a cab..

Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her..

Bob tries  desperately to explain how
the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it .

She is screaming at him  at the top of
her lungs, calling him every 4 letter  word in the book.

The cabby turns around and  says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this  time!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The Pond


Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a
large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come
down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm
here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 13, 2010, 05:00:49 PM
Life according to Maxine

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.  It's called .........'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss,  the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.
 
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
 
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
   
8.  A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.
 
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.   
       
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 14, 2010, 06:37:46 PM
Love  those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church  bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your  husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church  help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school  days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is  Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next  Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the  Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to  attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The  Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last  Sunday:  "I Upped My Pledge
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mikehz on April 15, 2010, 02:31:07 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcU4t6zRAKg  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcU4t6zRAKg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 01, 2010, 01:55:46 PM
A little old lady is pulled over by a policeman. The officer approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The lady responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The lady responds, "I've lost it four times for drunk driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The lady says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"He's in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the lady and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car.
The senior officer says "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The lady steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?"
The lady opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car ma'am?"
The lady says "Yes", and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The lady digs in her purse revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The lady replies, "I bet you the lying **** said I was speeding, too!".














A cop is sitting under a bridge running radar when a lady comes flying by on her way to work, and he pulls her over. The cop asks why she is in such a hurry.
The lady replies "gee officer I am late for work can't you give me a break" so the cop says "Sorry lady I'm going to give you a ticket, by the way what do you do for a living", to which the lady replies " I'm a butt stretcher. The cop says "What the heck does a butt stretcher do. The lady says "Well we start out with a regular size butt hole, then we stick two fingers in and begin stretching it out, then four fingers, then eight, then we get both hands in there and keep working until we get the butt stretched out to nearly 6 feet. The cop naturally says "Well what the hell do you do with a 6 foot butthole" to which the lady replies "We set them under a bridge and give them a radar gun".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ForumTroll on May 02, 2010, 11:24:39 AM
A little boy comes downstairs for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

"Not yet," the kid replys. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. So he goes to feed the chickens, but he's a little resentful, so he kicks a chicken. He feeds the cows, and he kicks a cow. He feeds the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, the boy's father comes down for breakfast, obviously in a bad mood, and with his foot, whacks the cat half way across the kitchen floor.

The kid looks up at his mother with a wicked grin and says, "You gonna tell him, or should I?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mikehz on May 02, 2010, 12:24:51 PM
Two elderly ladies take turns driving two miles to bingo every afternoon. One day as they're driving along, the woman in the passenger seat notices the driver pass through a red light. She says nothing, figuring that anyone can make a mistake from time to time. Then, a block later, the car runs a second light. She says, "You know, that light was red."

The lady behind the wheel replies, "Oh dear! Is it my turn to drive today?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 05, 2010, 08:22:56 PM
In the world of Romance, One single Rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system…

Simple Duties
You make the bed……………………………………………+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows……….0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………………-1
You leave the toilet seat up…………………………………-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty……………….0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex……..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings…….+5
But return with beer………………………………………..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night………………………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing……………….0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………….+5
You pummel it with a six iron……………………………….+10
It’s her father……………………………………………-10

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly………..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts……….-5

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………-5
Something she can’t use……………….-10
Such as a motorized model airplane…………..-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday………….-40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip…………..-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………..-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town……..-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal………-25
You know them………-60

The Big Question
She asks, “Do I look fat?”……………..-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding…………-10
You reply, “Where?”………..-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression……0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV……..+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep………….-20

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party……….0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……..-2
Named Tiffany………………..-4
Tiffany is a dancer……………….-6
Tiffany has implants……………….-8
When mingling, you hold your mate’s hand and gaze at her lovingly………..+1
When mingling, you introduce her as “the ol’ ball and chain” and pat her on the rump……….-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, “Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you”…………….+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she’s attractive, you say, “Yeah, but she’s lousy in bed”……-6
That woman is her sister………………..-90
You have one drink, and that’s it…………….0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle………-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted….-18

Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together…………………+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car………………..+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar……………….-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it….+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional….0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ………….+3
Most of it chips and beer …………..-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den…………+15
Or refinishing the floors………………….+16
Or rewiring the basement………………..+17
Or adding a second floor…………….+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket…….-6
And you’re tickled pink about it…………………-15
You visit her parents…………………0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation …………..+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ……..-3
And the television is off……………………-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear………..-6
And you didn’t even go to college…………..-10
And it’s not your underwear………………..-15

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner………………..0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar……………+1
Okay, it is a sports bar…………………….-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night………………..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…….-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player………+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing………………………..+4
If you stink………………………..+2
If you’re not half bad……………………+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you’re escorted out to much applause………..-2
You give her a gift……………………0
You give her a gift and it’s a small appliance………….-10
You give her a gift and it’s not a small appliance ………..+1
You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate………………+2
You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months……….+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day……..-10
With her credit card……………-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big……….-40

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely…………………..-20
You forget your anniversary…………………-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station………..-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey……………….-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast………….-60

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ………………………-5
And the pal is happily married ……………….-4
Or frighteningly single ………………..-7
And he drives a Mustang………………..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15
You have a few beers……………..-9
And miss curfew by an hour……………..-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn’t call………………..-20
You get home at 3 am………………..-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars………..-40
And not wearing any pants………………….-50
Is that a tattoo??……………..-200

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work……………….+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late……………..+10
You wait up…………………..+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed……….+20

A Night At Home
You watch TV together……………..0
You rent a movie……………+2
You rent a movie and it’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY……………….+3
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout………….+5
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep…………………..-1
It’s SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool………….-2

A Night Out
You take her to a movie……………………+2
You take her to a movie she likes……………….+4
You take her to a movie you hate ……………….+6
You take her to a movie you like……………..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3…………………..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………… 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it……..+20
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself……….+30
And she contracts Lyme disease………………………………-25
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 07, 2010, 05:52:08 PM
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."


Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on May 07, 2010, 06:32:59 PM
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."


Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

(http://aaron4h.com/Documents/ThumbsDown.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 09, 2010, 03:47:24 PM
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouts....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 09, 2010, 03:49:33 PM
A young woman agreed to marry a young man with the provision that he never look in the chest that she kept at the foot of their bed.

After they had been married a year, he thought that he'd ask her about the chest.  She wouldn't talk to him for a month.  He didn't say any more.

After they had been married 25 years, he asked if he could look into the chest.  She wouldn't talk to him for a year.  He didn't say anymore.

After they had been married 50 years, she finally relented and let him look in the chest.  He found a few kernels of corn and $3000 in cash.  He asked her about it.  She said that whenever she was unfaithful to him, she would put a kernel of corn in the chest.  He thought about it for a minute, realized that he had had a pretty good life and her cheating on him just a few times wasn't so bad.  He then asked her about the $3000 in cash.

"Oh", she said.  "Whenever I got a bushel of corn, I sold it!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 09, 2010, 03:50:47 PM
Once there was an Indian chief who divorced his squaw, to
marry a younger woman. Some time after this occurred, he was
out on a hunting party with some of his braves. They came
upon a hippopotamus which had escaped from a travelling
circus show. The chief shot it, and took the hide home to
his new bride to use for a bedspread.
His two sons by his former marriage became all upset
and jealous at this because all their mother had for her
bedspread were a couple of very ordinary cowhides.
Day by day their jealousy grew, until finally they challenged
their new stepmother to a duel.
They stepped out to the edge of the reservation at sunrise,
and fought tooth and nail all day long.
At sunset nobody had budged an inch! So they had to declare
it an even draw.
What this serves to demonstrate is:
That the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of
the squaw of the other two hides!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 10, 2010, 02:18:56 AM
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.  What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
 
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs Into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
 
'You rotten bitch', she screams.
 
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 10, 2010, 02:19:23 AM
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your canned drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the....??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of Intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on boxes and thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

"DAMMIT" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 10, 2010, 02:46:51 AM
Fish Bait. .

   I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass  bait.

   Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

  Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey into the snake`s
mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

   A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
 with two frogs in his mouth.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 10, 2010, 06:16:14 PM
A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The TexasWork Force
> Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
> an agent out to interview him.
>
> "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
> demanded the agent.
>
> "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been
> with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
>
> The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per
> week plus free room and board.
>
> Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and
> does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per
> week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon
> every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
>
> "That's the guy I want to talk to ... The half-wit," says the
> agent.
>
> "That would be me," replied the Rancher
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 14, 2010, 10:11:22 AM
Maintain a healthy level of INSANITY

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 17, 2010, 09:32:49 PM
This isn't really a joke but it is kinda funny:

How to make Brownies, government style:

It's a 35+ page document describing how to make approved brownies and oatmeal cookies...

http://liw.iki.fi/liw/misc/MIL-C-44072C.pdf

Quote
3.3.2 Brownie preparation. (NOTE: The contractor is not required to follow the exact procedure shown below provided that the brownies conform to all finished product requirements in 3.4.)
a. Whip eggs in large bowl on high speed until light and fluffy.
b. Combine sugars, cocoa, salt, and leavening; add to beaten eggs, and whip on high speed until thick.
c. Add shortening slowly while mixing on low speed.
d. Scrape bowl and whip on high speed until thick.
e. Mix flour, nuts, and flavors together and fold into batter; mix until uniform.
f. Pour batter into pan at a rate that will yield uncoated brownies which, when cut such as to meet the dimension requirements specified in 3.4f, will weigh approximately 35 grams each. (Experimentally, a panning rate of 14 to 16 grams per square inch was used.)
g. Bake at 350F until done (30 to 45 minutes).
3.3.3 Brownie cutting. The brownies shall be cut to the appropriate size when cool (see 3.4f).
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on May 28, 2010, 03:44:25 PM
[youtube=425,350]<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ghxL6VeDcHc&hl=nb_NO&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ghxL6VeDcHc&hl=nb_NO&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>[/youtube]

I thought this helpful video was a little too pro compliance. Anyway I thought others could write jokes easily from this as source material either more helpful tips or opposite.

Ex. " Be sure to have a small jar carefully placed in your rectom. Simply remove the lid and insert with the bottom out, have a Friend or passerby inspect the glass and make sure the officer can see all the way to your colon. This will make cavity searches go smoother and faster. Your fellow travelers and agents will appreciate your short stay in the inspection cell."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 29, 2010, 05:39:06 AM
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
 
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ciscokid1024 on May 29, 2010, 08:04:55 AM
How do you wake up Lady GaGa?


Poke her face
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mikehz on May 29, 2010, 11:50:09 AM
Curious as to how his latest novel, Les Misérables, was doing, Victor Hugo sent a single character message to his editor: "?". The reply came back: "!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 05, 2010, 01:56:36 AM
The pope is working a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon when he reaches a real stumper. He thinks for a moment or tow, scratches his head, and finally ask the cardinal, “Can you think of a four letter word for “woman” that ends in u~n~t?
“Aunt” replies the cardinal.
“Ah thanks”, says the pope. “Do you have an eraser”?

The pope is kidnapped by terrorist who wouldn’t release him until he agreed to be photographed having sex with a teenage girl. The terrorist figured that with such a photo in their possession they could release the pope but still have complete control over the Catholic church.
The pontiff was outraged and refused. But after the terrorist made it clear they would kill him unless he complied, he reluctantly agreed.
However said the pope, I”I will only cooperate on three conditions: One the young girl must be blindfolded so she can not see the horrible thing that is happening to her; two, the girl must be wearing earplugs so she dose not hear what is happening”.
Fine, fine the leader of the terrorist said.: What’s the third condition”?
The pope relies “The girl must have really big boobs”.

The bishop visited our church, last Sunday.

I'm sure he was a fake.  Not once, did he ever move diagonally.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 05, 2010, 02:00:13 AM
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No”, he replies, “I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

007 taps, taps his watch, and says “Damn thing must be an hour fast!”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on June 05, 2010, 03:41:20 PM
The bishop visited our church, last Sunday.

I'm sure he was a fake.  Not once, did he ever move diagonally.

Love it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on June 05, 2010, 05:46:31 PM
if obama manages to fix this oil spill disaster in the gulf ,

would it be considered a ''nigger rig''?

*rimshot*

yukka-highhhh....

that's a good one johnny....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 05, 2010, 10:59:54 PM
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
    but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
    was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice 
    to my life, but just didn' t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
    I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
    have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but
    just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
      I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance
      Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , but they said I
      wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
      a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because
      it was the same old grind.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on June 06, 2010, 08:55:17 AM
On a radio show I listen to, it was mentioned that in a free market you could still hire people to order you around and use violence for compliance.
But you would have to have a "safeword" to make them stop and realize who is paying who- who is actually in charge.
For example consider this small exchange.

Mistress Plastcock: (in a purring voice) "And now, sweet'ums, you small dicked little fuck, I am going to stuff your tight rectom with this dark ages era mace while you lick the ass sweat off this rubber donkey dick last used on and in my previous client!"

Client: (Who is actually there on a cruel bachelor party dare and is getting married in a week and would really like to comfortably shit in the immediate future. He is hogtide with asshole up, exposed, and not particularly well lubed) "mmmmfffff, (eyes huge) mmmmffffff!!!!!!

Mistress Plastcock: (removes ball gag) What, you smelly man with a school lunch smoked sousage like penis?!!!

Client: HOLY FUCK YOU BITCH...... STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE......STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE (looks at mace again) STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!!!!!!!

Mistress Plastcock: OK the session is over, sir. Will your Friends pay cash or check?

And now, what would make a good safeword to use against bureaucrats that cross the line on those who pay for their lives. A safeword for bureaucratic mistresses from taxpaying "johns" if you will.

Cop: (tazing a man who went 56 on a posted 55 road and also committed the crime of being half Latino) And now I will taze your balls!!!!

Taxpayer: HOLY FUCK YOU ASSHOLE......HAMCOCK STATIST.....HAMCOCK STATIST(looks at tazer again) HAMCOCK STATIST!!!!!!  

Cop: Oh sorry sir, please watch your speed and have a nice day.

Any suggested safewords?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 08, 2010, 12:34:33 AM
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
 "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
 
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his
 arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
 
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
 "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids
were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
 
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.
 
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The
doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
 
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel..
 
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to
the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit
a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked
them to disperse.
   "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said.
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him
'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
19.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This
 made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a
super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call
went out that therewas a small medium at large.
 
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least
ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did.
 
22.  And...one of my own..
As the battery said to the potato chip.. "If you're Frito Lay I'm Eveready!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Pilot_MKN on June 08, 2010, 02:07:30 AM
[A friend of yours tells a Jew Joke]

You: Hey, that's not funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp...................................he fell off a guard tower!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on June 08, 2010, 02:46:35 AM
[A friend of yours tells a Jew Joke]

You: Hey, that's not funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp...................................he fell off a guard tower!

I have a coworker who tells this one all the time recently.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on June 13, 2010, 03:32:07 PM
I thought this was a funny one.
 
 
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 14, 2010, 09:08:47 PM
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.  On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.  The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that SOB!"
 
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
 
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a SOB fish!"
 
"Really?  Well then, help me land this SOB!"
 
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
 
"Father, that's the biggest SOB I've ever seen"
 
"Yes, it is a big SOB. What should I do with it?"
 
"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as SOB!"
 
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.  While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
 
"Take a look at this big SOB I caught!”
 
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
 
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a SOB fish!"
 
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big SOB?"
 
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the SOB for his dinner.
 
"I'll even clean the SOB," she said.
 
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.  "What are you doing Sister?"
 
"Father wants me to clean this big SOB for the new Bishop's Dinner."
 
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
 
"No, no, no, it's calle d a SOB Fish."
 
"Really?  Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that SOB can be the main course!  Let me know when you've finished cleaning that SOB."
 
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.  The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
 
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
 
"I caught that SOB!" proclaimed the proud priest.
 
"And I cleaned the SOB!" exclaimed the Sister.
 
The Friar added, "And I prepared the SOB, using a special recipe!”
 
The new Bishop looked around at each of them  A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You mother f#@^$ers are my kind of people!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 16, 2010, 05:24:54 PM
Scottish Logic

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
Mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough'.


'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.


We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her'.


Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this'.


She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.


The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 16, 2010, 05:27:05 PM
During  these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these 4
religious Truths:


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader  of the Christian
world.


4. Presbyterians do not recognize each other at Hooters.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 19, 2010, 07:10:16 PM
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap  out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: sillyperson on June 21, 2010, 09:11:09 AM
My mother forwarded this to my wife & I...



GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: John Shaw on June 21, 2010, 10:38:05 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWMXJ-LZhk8

Watch for the payoff.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 18, 2010, 08:36:28 PM
 The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
 
Why was that gauge used? Well, because that's the way they built them in England , and English engineers designed the first US railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
 
So, why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England. You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since..
 
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
 
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and
 wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses..)
 
Now, the twist to the story:
 
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel... The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything and...
 
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on July 18, 2010, 10:51:54 PM
I likes that one  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: zeff on July 18, 2010, 11:30:40 PM
hahaha these jokes are makin me LOL
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 19, 2010, 07:13:35 AM
A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some POTATOES."

WHACK!,THE MOTHER HIT HIM. He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be POTATOES."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 20, 2010, 01:33:27 AM
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 23, 2010, 02:59:27 PM
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.  One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.  'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas.  He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.  'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this.)

 

 

 


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 24, 2010, 12:19:35 PM
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: The Green Bastard on July 24, 2010, 11:56:12 PM
So a walrus was eating an ice cream cone while driving his car down the freeway when all of a sudden the car starts sputtering and making all kinds of racket. The noise and rattling is so violent that it causes the walrus to drop his ice cream cone, spilling ice cream all the way down his face and chest. He pulls in to the nearest mechanic's shop and turns the car off. He gets out of the car, which by this point is dripping oil all over the pavement.

The mechanic walks up to the walrus and says, "Hey, it looks like you just blew a seal." To which the walrus responds, "No, that's just ice cream."




Dang... this one doesn't sound as funny in type. It usually goes down well if you draw the story out for about 5 minutes so most of the audience forgets about the ice cream cone you mention at the begining of the story :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on July 25, 2010, 05:21:52 AM
LoL I shall be repeating that one.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Stoker on July 25, 2010, 09:11:59 AM
There is a song by humorist Kip Addotta called "Wet Dreams" that is made entirely of fish terms that uses the "looks like you've blown a seal" joke.

[youtube=425,350]<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6l1GvDWtccI&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6l1GvDWtccI&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>[/youtube]

"C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 27, 2010, 05:45:37 PM
A man is watching a  game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching
channels to a dirty  movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous  sex.
             
 
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his  wife.
 
“For Heaven's sake,  watch them", his wife says.

 

"You already know how to play golf!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: yamnuska on July 27, 2010, 06:48:05 PM
So pube boy (Princess pubella), cock boy (Rusty Nut) and font boy (Stoker) all walk into a bar...........
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ForumTroll on July 27, 2010, 07:06:59 PM
I don't get a nickname?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: yamnuska on July 27, 2010, 07:23:04 PM
I don't get a nickname?

No, finish the joke, I'm too stupid to finish it.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on July 27, 2010, 08:05:06 PM
Pube boy orders a drink for a girl at the bar. Meanwhile cock boy is bragging to font boy about his manhood. Fontboy says, "Put Up or shut up!" so cock boy, who is sick of the haters, whips it out and the tip indeed hits the ground with a thud. "Holy shit!" exclaimed fontboy. The girl is so impressed by pubeboys pick up talents she loses her cigarette and it falls right down on cock boys member. He has to be taken to the hospital.
The next day they are sitting at the same bar.
"I'm really sorry." begins pubeboy.
"Its all right, the hospital actually improved me." Replies cockboy smiling.
"Really How"fontboy again.
"Well my cock, was burned so bad they replaced it with a elephants trunk. Now I'm a  sybian that can go around corners, I can give my girlfriend orgasms in the next room."
"Oh bullshit."
Suddenly the cocktrunk jumps out of cockboys pants grabs a donut from a bowel on the bar and disappears.
"Wow! Can you do that again?"
"No, I can't take anymore donuts in my ass."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: YixilTesiphon on July 27, 2010, 08:30:45 PM
donut from a bowel

Nice, even if you didn't do it on purpose.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 27, 2010, 08:46:05 PM
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so  he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a  couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the  confessional for a few
suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your  arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand ...and try  saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go
on,' and 'I  understand.'..."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one  hand and repeats
all the suggested remarks to the old priest. 

The old priest says,... "Now,  don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your  knee and saying, 'No crap ? What happened  next'?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on July 28, 2010, 05:33:26 AM
donut from a bowel

Nice, even if you didn't do it on purpose.

Yep, it was a typo there Beavis, meant to type "box".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: YixilTesiphon on July 28, 2010, 09:28:30 AM
donut from a bowel

Nice, even if you didn't do it on purpose.

Yep, it was a typo there Beavis, meant to type "box".

Yeah...that was dumb of me. Got out of the hospital yesterday after a day with no food or sleep.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Diogenes The Cynic on July 28, 2010, 02:04:52 PM
I don't get a nickname?

You don't need one. You're a joke in your own right.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 29, 2010, 08:13:45 PM
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.  Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said -- "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. 
-------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly -- As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say -- Look, he's moving!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of  Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord -- "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute.
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
'The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what -- Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied --"Take the poison!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 29, 2010, 08:53:53 PM
North Dakota has nothing.  Hell, you are not even allowed to kill flys in ND, (it's their state bird.)  They have fences around all the High School Football fields (to keep the cheerleaders from grazing).

And at Basketball games the cheerleaders aren't allowed to do splits (because they keep sticking to the floor)

It not really windy in Montana, it's just that ND sucks!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 14, 2010, 11:23:46 AM
ZEN    Teachings



1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just leave me alone.

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.


3.  No one is listening until you fart.

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 
 5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

 6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
 
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 
12. Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... Then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ForumTroll on August 14, 2010, 11:35:04 AM
I just applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets
at various heights and windows all over the place and a
loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 old cars and I was going
to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim.

The City Council/Building Dept. told me to f*%! off.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a

Mosque.



......Work starts on Monday...
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 14, 2010, 07:08:08 PM
lol good one.

Here's another:

Men are Honest - even if they have to lie.

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)
If a lady is reading this article then I hope she has a sense of humour !

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE ."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jolie, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 14, 2010, 07:14:15 PM
AAAAA The Organization for Drunk Drivers

ADIDAS All Day I Dream About Sex

AMC Ain't My Car

AOL Anti On-Line

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

ARMY Ain't a Real Marine Yet

BASIC Bill 's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

BMW Big Money Waste

BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

CHEVROLET Cracked Head, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rattle on Long Extended Trips

COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

COMPUTER Capable Of Making Perfectly Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous

DAM Mothers Against Dyslexia
DELTA Doesn't Even Leave The Airport

DODGE Drips Oil, Drips Grease Everywhere

DOS Defunct Operating System

DNA National Dyslexic Association

DUMBO Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass

FIAT Fix It Again, Tony

FIAT Funny Italian Attempt at Technology

FORD First On Race Day
FORD Found On Road, Dead )

FORD Fix Or Repair Dail

GMC Gotta Mechanic Coming!

HONDA Hold On, Not Done Accelerating!

IBM I Blame Microsoft

IBM I Bought Macintosh

IPOD Ignoring Present Obscene Demand

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

JFGI Just F*@&ing Google It

LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses

LOTUS Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious

LOVE Loss Of Valuable Energy (

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash, If Not The Operating System Hangs

MARINE Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected

MARINE My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment

MCSE Minesweeper Consultant & Solitaire Expert

MCSE Must Consult Someone Experienced

MCSE Making Computers Slow Everyday

MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

MIPS Mistakes Incurred Per Second

MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

MIPS Meaningless Information Purveyed by Salesmen

MOPAR Mostly Old Parts and Rusted

NASCAR Numerous A***holes Simultaneously Circling Around Rednecks 

NASCAR Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

NASCAR Not All Southerners Care About Racing 

NAVY Never Again Volunteer Yourself 

NTSC Never The Same Color

OS/2 Obsolete Soon Too

PASCAL Pedantry And Strictness Created A Language

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PEBCAK Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard [user failure / user error]

PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

PMS Pack My Suitcase

PMS Please Make it Stop!

PMS Pass My Shotgun

PMS Potential Murder Suspect

PMS Psychotic Mood Shift

PMS Punish Men Severly

PMS Purchase More Shoes 

PONTIAC Poor Old Nutjob Thinks It's A Cadillac 

POTS Plain Old Telephone System

RENAULT Repair Ever Needed, Always Useless, Lotsa Trouble 

RISC Reduced Into Silly Code

RTFM Read The F*@&ing Manual

SCSI System Can't See It

SCSI-2 System Can't See It Again

SNMP Security Not My Problem

SOS Save Our Sausages

SUBARU Still Usable, But All Rusty Underneath

TLA Three Letter Acronym

TOYOTA The One You Ought To Avoid

TOYOTA Too Often Yankee Overpriced, This Auto

US ARMY Uncle Same Ain't Released Me Yet

USMC Uncle Sam's Misguided Children

USAF U Sure Are F^@#ed

WIIFM What's In It For Me?)

WINDOWS Wonderful Interface No Dos User Would Sanction

WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WYBMABIITY Will You Buy Me A Beer If I Tell You [when people ask what that acronym stands for]

YAMAHA Your ass, my ass, haul ass! (
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on August 14, 2010, 07:20:54 PM
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jolie, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

"WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"

Okay, that did make me laugh.   :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 17, 2010, 04:10:22 PM
I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.  It had to be deliberate.  Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn'tovercome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.  She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 17, 2010, 04:15:43 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Bob?"


 A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.


 A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you."
 The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-guy."

A piece of string walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and yells to the bartender, "Hey! Gimme a drink!"
The bartender picks up the string and throws it into the street.
 The string thinks, "I'll show 'im. I'll go back in disguise, he won't know it's me, and at the last minute I'll humiliate him. So the string contorts its body into a whole different shape, and frizzes its hair ala a 'fro. It goes back in, hops onto the stool and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "You're that piece of string I threw out 5 minutes ago."
The string answers, "No. I'm a frayed knot."


 Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour one for yourself too."
 Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later, he buys another round for everyone including the bartender.
He orders a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the first two rounds before I pour the third."
The generous guy says, "Money? I don't have any money." The bartender kicks the crap out of him and throws him into the street.
 A few minutes later he comes back in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. You get nasty when you're drunk."
 

 Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head.
The bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that ape?"
 Guy says, "This isn't an ape, it's a duck".
Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

 

 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"

 

 A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender figures that a kangaroo probably isn't very economically aware, and charges him $50.
The marsupial orders a beer next time, and is charged $60.
 Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him. He casually remarks, "You know, we don't get too many kangaroos in here."
 The kangaroo replies, "At these prices, no wonder."
 
 

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said "I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog."
The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"


A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
      "How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.
      "No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."
 
So the bartender gives him the two drinks.  He drinks them while alternately
sipping from each glass.  This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a
week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver.

One day he comes in and orders only one drink.
      "Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.
      "No.  My doctor told me to stop drinking."
 
 

     Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
 
 

A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and into Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a
     double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking
     this with what I've got."
 
     The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"
     "Two nickles and a dime" said the patient.
 
 


     Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it?
 
 

     A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
 
 

So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

     Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar.


A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"

     The duck says, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"

     The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

     The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"

     The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

     The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"

     The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
     MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

     With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.

     The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"

     The bartender, puzzled, said no.

     The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?"
 
 

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

     The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck,
     goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

     The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."
 

A chicken walks into a bar.
     The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
     The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."
 
 

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
     Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
     "May I please have a drink?"
     "What? You have to speak up!"
     "Could I please have a drink?"
     "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
     "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
 
 

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
     "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
 
 

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
     The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
     "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
     "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
 
 

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal
     looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
 
 


This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bar tender finally opens the door.
 Bar tender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demands a beer. The bar tender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bar tender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away.

     A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again.
 The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
 
 

Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
     Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
 
 

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
 

Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
     One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
     The other says 'Are you sure?'
     The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
     One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 17, 2010, 04:16:26 PM
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another Monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.

To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the snot out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.  The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs OR even why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. Finally, after replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know, that is the way it has always been done around here.

And that, my fellow monkeys, is how Congress operates - And precisely why we need to REPLACE all the original monkeys this November.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 17, 2010, 04:17:22 PM
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,
"Why it change?
Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.. Today I only get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 17, 2010, 10:37:52 PM
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on August 19, 2010, 01:31:15 AM
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/bfdcdf33-fab3-4e7f-8a69-ceadeb6b2565.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 21, 2010, 12:51:37 PM
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 21, 2010, 12:52:15 PM
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month,   Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 21, 2010, 12:55:45 PM
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. 

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
 
''Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!   By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to California and get another one?'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on August 21, 2010, 12:55:59 PM
HAAAA!!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on August 22, 2010, 11:57:09 AM
greg geraldo on hasselhoff roast:
(addressing actor george hamilton)

''george, you & tang have a lot in common,
  you're both dry, orange & no one's given a FUCK about you since 1968.''

i almost fell off the couch
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 24, 2010, 01:10:53 AM
Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So you got something to look at when they're talkin' to ya! .... so you got something to look at when they're talkin' to ya!

(Taken from Family Guy - the lady at work didn't find it 'that' funny)


What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.

old one...Steven Wright
"I bought a box of powdered water.... didn't know what to add to it

From Larry The Cable Guy:

"I was real proud of my nephew for a while, because I heard he got into trouble for having sex with his teacher, But then I found out he was home schooled."














HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 25, 2010, 11:12:58 PM
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken
 ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.
 "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done,  son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat
them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?
 His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"





(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f179/deadmanriding/zx14/Concourse/many.jpg)


Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on August 25, 2010, 11:38:46 PM
Nice....I like that one.  And it makes me think all shrimp should be thoroughly scared before being prepared for eating.   :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 26, 2010, 04:04:24 PM
NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 29, 2010, 04:02:01 AM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that!?!'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 29, 2010, 04:03:27 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied gasping.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. 

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 



"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 29, 2010, 04:04:45 AM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 31, 2010, 12:21:29 AM
Only
in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
________________________________________

Only
in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet
coke.
________________________________________
Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
________________________________________

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
________________________________________
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight..
________________________________________

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
________________________________________

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
________________________________________

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
________________________________________

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
________________________________________

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
________________________________________

Why is
lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
________________________________________

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
________________________________________

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
________________________________________

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
________________________________________

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
______________________________________

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
________________________________________

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
________________________________________

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
________________________________________

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
________________________________________

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
________________________________________

If flying is so safe, why do
they call the airport the terminal?















(http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1008/its-a-tough-job-demotivational-poster-1283197231.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 31, 2010, 02:17:07 AM
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.
 
He told the Cardinal that Nancy would be attending the next day's Mass,
and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and
say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
 
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues
of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
 
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation
of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as
a saint."
 
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money,
so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
 
As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship
and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
 
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker
Pelosi was present.
 
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's
presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal
favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to
tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.
Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say,
Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.
She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.
She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington,
and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."
 
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama
and Senators Harry Reid and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on August 31, 2010, 02:28:15 AM
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, our government entities seem to think other factors must be taken into consideration and other strategies often have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buy a stronger whip.

2. Change riders.

3. Threaten the horse with termination.

4. Appoint a committee to study the horse.

5. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lower the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appoint an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Create a training session to increase the rider’s load share.

9. Reclassify the dead horse as “living impaired”.

10. Change the form so that it reads “This horse is not dead.”

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Provide additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.

15. Do a time-management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position   







"Why I am Fat"

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

- I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

- The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

- We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

- Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.







Farm Kid in the Army

Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried egg plant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.


We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.



This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes..


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.




Your loving daughter ,

Alice
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on September 28, 2010, 02:00:27 AM
An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in 'heat' and the neighbor's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"

"Oh" said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!!!!!".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on October 09, 2010, 05:14:25 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
...WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 08, 2010, 07:51:48 AM
   * If you jump off the bridge in Paris, you are in Seine

    * A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

    * Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

    * Practice safe eating - always use condiments

    * Shotgun wedding - it's a case of wife or death

    * A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

    * A hangover is the wrath of grapes

    * Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

    * Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    * Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

    * Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

    * When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

    * A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

    * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away)

    * Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

    * In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

    * She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

    * A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

    * If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

    * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

    * The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

    * You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

    * Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

    * Every calendar's days are numbered

    * A lot of money is tainted -  Taint yours and taint mine

    * A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

    * He had a photographic memory that was never developed

    * A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

    * Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

    * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

    * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

    * Acupuncture is a jab well done.\
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mikehz on December 08, 2010, 10:40:30 AM
The government decides to try out a field test to see how good investigative agencies actually are. A rabbit is released into a fenced 100-acre forest. The CIA searches for a month, and finally concludes that rabbits don't exist. The FBI searches for a month, and then reports that it will take 50 agents another hundred days to find the rabbit. The LAPD goes into the woods, and an hour later a bear comes out, all beat up, saying "Okay, okay--I'm a fucking rabbit!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 09, 2010, 12:47:59 PM
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks: "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies: "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 10, 2010, 01:52:55 AM
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
> store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales
> experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
>
> Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
> I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
>
> His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
> was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
>
> The kid says, "One."
>
> The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
> How much was the sale for?"
>
> Kid says, "$101,237.64."
>
> Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
>
> Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
> fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
> fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down
> at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to
> the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
> said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
> the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
>
> The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
> boat and truck?"
>
> Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I
> said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 10, 2010, 01:54:54 AM
IN OTHER NEWS

Local police reported for duty today and found every toilet at the police station had been disconnected and removed while the night shift was in progress. Because the station was locked, security cameras were turned off, leaving no clue.

Police Chief Wiggam says " it's terrible, we have nothing to go on.".........
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 10, 2010, 01:55:44 AM
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,

was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 10, 2010, 02:02:00 AM
(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f179/deadmanriding/zx14/Concourse/tsa.jpg)
(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f179/deadmanriding/zx14/Concourse/tsa1.jpg)
(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f179/deadmanriding/zx14/Concourse/tsa3.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 10, 2010, 11:49:18 AM
(http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs301.snc4/40384_419534202859_227273632859_4516490_3589600_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 10, 2010, 12:18:12 PM
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

LOL: Living On Lipitor

OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

WTF: What's Today's Fish?

WTF: Wet The Furniture

IMHMO: In My HMO...

RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

GTG: Gotta Groan

TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FYI: For Your Indigestion...

JK: Just Kvetching

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor

SUS: Speak Up, Sonny

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age

GOML: Get Off My Lawn
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 11, 2010, 12:04:06 PM
Texas highway patrolman stops a male motorist.  The driver hands over his license and concealed carry license.
Patrolman asked him if he was presently armed to which he answered affirmative.
Patrolman: What are you carrying?
Motorist: I have a 9mm under my coat, in the glove box is a 38 revolver, and in my right boot is a derringer.
Patrolman:  Is that all?
Motorist: Behind the seat is a 30-06 deer rifle.
Patrolman: Surely that's all.
Motorist: No, in the trunk is an AR15 and a Mossberg 500 riot 12 guage pump.
Patrolman: Man, what are you scared of?
Motorist: Not a damn thing!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: voodoo on December 14, 2010, 12:49:12 PM
My wife has been missing for a week, and the cops tell me to prepare for the worst.

So, I'm going to Goodwill to get her clothes back.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 14, 2010, 01:25:38 PM
A  young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man.

"I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted. 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry "
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 15, 2010, 04:52:52 PM
A Scottish man in Calgary calls his son in Regina the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams..

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Stoughton and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like #$^% they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Calgary immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 16, 2010, 02:39:39 PM
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
 
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants  a Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This is rather  awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy  her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong  sex drive."
 
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
 
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 19, 2010, 11:42:32 PM
There were two county workers standing along side the road, leaning on their shovels talking to each other. The first worker saw a slug on the ground, he took his snovel and choped it up. The other worker asked why he did that, the first county worker said: "He has been following us all day."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 20, 2010, 11:18:39 AM
Two Florida rednecks are out hunting, and as they are  walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.  The  first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom.  I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says,”I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.  They are  standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.   As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head  first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The  first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

The old farmer said, “That’s impossible….  …I had him chained to an old transmission!”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 22, 2010, 12:46:31 AM
Feel free to add your own bad jokes to this extensive list
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 29, 2010, 02:35:22 PM
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Yeah just kidding  :lol:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Rillion on December 30, 2010, 04:24:29 PM
Feel free to add your own bad jokes to this extensive list

I really enjoy yours, every time I check in.  I don't have a lot of jokes myself. 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: bobbysan on December 30, 2010, 04:52:52 PM
This pirate went to his new doctor and upon seeing the old salt, the doctor said, "Hey, I haven't seen you before. What happened? You look terrible."


"Arrrr...What do you mean, sonny boy?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg?"

"Aye...We was in a battle see, and I got grazed by a cannon ball and the leg turned black with gangrene, so them boogers had to chop me leg off! but I'm fine now."

"OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"Aye... We was In another battle, see... I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand
was badly slashed and bleeding. It couldn't be saved so they chopped me hand off and I got fitted with a hook. But now, I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Well, it's like this me boy.... We had just set out to sea one day and I was enjoying a sunny day in the crow's nest. I was watching a flock of birds as they flew overhead, and one of them pooped in me eye."


"You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird poop?"


"Arrrr..., it was me first day with me hook."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on December 31, 2010, 09:22:04 PM
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,
reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I
should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and
partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing
fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,
full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,
knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid
them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am, all done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling,
holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on December 31, 2010, 10:12:38 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on January 01, 2011, 12:31:52 AM
Those last couple were rather good LOL

Heres my corney one I read (remember I'm a cook).

How does Lady Gaga like her steak cooked?

                                                                       Raw Raw, Raw Raw Raw Raw
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 05, 2011, 03:16:28 PM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says,
"I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how government works.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 05, 2011, 03:27:33 PM
The Mrs. was watching a cooking show the other day.

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."

She looked at me and said, "You watch porn dont you?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on January 05, 2011, 03:33:32 PM
:)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on January 06, 2011, 03:24:26 PM
Having  already downed a few power drinks, she turns  around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye  and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw 
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my  place, in the car, front door, back
door, on the  ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with  clothes on it
doesn't matter to me. I just love  it."
        Eyes now wide with  interest, he responds, "No  kidding. I'm in Congress
too.
        What state are you  from?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 12, 2011, 01:54:38 PM
http://s734.photobucket.com/albums/ww344/usttobee50/?action=view&current=Vibrator-prank-call.mp4
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: YixilTesiphon on January 14, 2011, 04:00:13 PM
This thread rules. The TSA one was awesome.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on January 17, 2011, 06:10:08 PM
MLKJ walks into a bar, bartender says "I just mopped that floor."

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on January 18, 2011, 03:25:26 PM
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?



























Where's my tractor?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on January 18, 2011, 03:33:29 PM
Dan Quayle was telling his friend about the time when he was in the air national guard:  "About 10 of us wen up in a big ol C-130, and we were flying around, the sergeant opened the door, handed us all a paracute and told us to jump out one by one".

" I was the last guy and when I stood up to jump out, I looked out the door and below and I just couldn't do it".  My sergeant jumped up beside me and said - you either jump out right now or I'll fuck you in the ass right here boy".

So, his friend said, "well, did you jump?"

Dan said, "yea, a little bit.........at first".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 19, 2011, 01:36:00 PM
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 25, 2011, 11:26:19 AM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
 
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
 
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.  But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
 
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
 
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
 
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
 
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
 
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
 
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
 
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
 
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
 
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
 
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
 
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
 
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
 
What would YOU do?
 
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
 
       
   
         
 
 
 
 
    Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
 
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
 
Now....what is the moral to this story?
 
 
 
 
       
Scroll down
 
 
 
 
         
   
 
 
      The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Diogenes The Cynic on January 25, 2011, 07:40:45 PM
An Anthropologist friend passed this off as a true story, but I have my doubts.

At an Anthropology convention, everyone was standing around chatting, while one guy in a corner was sitting down, scribbling furiously into a notebook.

A couple of guys go up to him, and try to make small talk:

Anthropologist: So, whats your name?

Guy: (stops writing) Running-Water

Anthropologist: So, what are you doing here?

Guy: I'm a Native-American doing a study of some goddamn Anthropologists.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 27, 2011, 12:35:51 PM
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother,

'My hands are freezing cold.'


The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.


The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'


The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.


The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,'My nose is cold.'


The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.



The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'



The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned, the mother said,

'Why yes of course . . . . . why do you ask?'


The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they ! ! !'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on January 29, 2011, 12:59:30 PM
 NASCAR NEWS:  JEFF GORDON FIRES PIT CREW!!

Reuters/AP Wire- Raleigh, NC  January 22, 2010
 
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them
was brought about by a recent televised documentary demonstrating how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without the use of proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of the latest high tech equipment. As most races are won or lost in the pits, It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team.
 
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. In the new crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt,Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 04, 2011, 03:51:36 PM
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. 

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. 

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' 

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 

'Absolutely,' the man replied.  'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. 

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 05, 2011, 10:04:20 PM
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
 
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.
 
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
 
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.
 
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.
 
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.
 
10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
 
10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: teambuildingtrainings on February 07, 2011, 12:24:31 PM
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: One two three on February 07, 2011, 01:21:47 PM
Thanks, I just used mail to jail to send some of these jokes to 3 folks.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 07, 2011, 01:29:47 PM
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.


Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

...and these are even funnier:

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 08, 2011, 10:53:39 AM
THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When theresults came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tailpipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on February 13, 2011, 12:05:02 PM
What's the best way to get a nun pregnant?












































Dress her up like a choir boy!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on February 13, 2011, 12:05:57 PM
Why do women (forgive me women!) have two sets of lips?









































So they can Piss and Moan at the same time!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 16, 2011, 08:13:55 AM
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:


"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on February 16, 2011, 05:10:38 PM
For what purpose this will serve, here is the magic document almost
everyone was hoping to get.
 
      Snopes say's it's true
 
 
      Here it is, folks!  The document we have been waiting for!  Now if only
SOMEONE in Congress
      or the Supreme Court will act on this!
      Spread this around.....if these documents are as authentic as they
certainly seem to be,
      Obama is NOT qualified to be our President and he sits in the White House
illegally!
      This is what Obama has spent almost $2M (so far) to hide.
 
 
      Here's a close-up of the top of the document where you can plainly read
his name and
      his parent's names, etc....
 
 
 
      A British history buff was asked if he could find out who the colonial
registrar was for Mombasa in 1961.
      After only a few minutes of research, he called back and said "Sir Edward
F. Lavender? Note the
      same name near the bottom of the photo above.
      Source(s): ? Kenya Dominion Record 4667 Australian library."
      And here?s a close-up of the bottom of the document where you can read
"Coast Providence of Kenya "
      and the official signature of the Deputy Registrar.....
 
 
 
 
      The above document is a "Certified Copy of Registration of Birth", but
below is a copy of the actual Certificate of Birth...
      the real-deal legal kind of certificate.
      The Mombasa Registrar of Births has testified that Obama's birth
certificate from Coast Province General Hospital in
      Mombasa is genuine. This copy was obtained by Lucas Smith through the help
of a Kenyan Colonel who recently got it
      directly from the Coast General Hospital in Mombasa , Kenya .  Here  it
is.....
 
 
 
      Note the  footprint!!
      The local Muslim Imam in Mombasa named Barack with his Muslim middle name
Hussein so his official name on
      this certificate is Barack Hussein Obama II.
      The grandmother of Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. reveals the story of his
birth in Mombasa , Kenya , a seaport,
      after his mother suffered labor pains while swimming at ocean beach in
Mombasa
      ......
      "On August 4, 1961 Obama's mother, father and grandmother were attending a
Muslim festival in Mombasa , Kenya .
      Mother had been refused entry to airplanes due to her nine month
pregnancy.  It was a hot August day at the festival
      so the Obama?s went to the beach to cool off. While swimming in the ocean
his mother  experienced labor pains so
      was rushed to the Coast  Provincial
      General Hospital, Mombasa, Kenya where Obama  was born a few hours later
at 7:21 pm on August 4, 1961(what a
      sad day for the USA!).  Four days later his mother flew to Hawaii and
registered his birth in Honolulu as a certificate
      of live birth which omitted the place and hospital of birth."
      Letter from Kitau in Mombasa , Kenya   ......
      "I happen to be Kenyan. I was born 1 month before Obama at Mombasa medical
center. I am a teacher here at the
      MM Shaw Primary School in Kenya . I compared my birth certificate to the
one that has been put out by Taitz and
      mine is exactly the same. I even have the same registrar and format. The
type is identical. I am by nature a skeptical
      person. I teach science here and challenge most things that cannot be
proven. So I went to an official registrar today
      and pulled up the picture on the web. They magnified it and determined it
to be authentic. There is even a plaque
      with Registrar Lavenders name on it as he was a Brit and was in charge of
the Registrar office from 1959 until
      January of 1964. The reason the date on the certificate says republic of
Kenya is that we were a republic when the
      "copy" of the original was ordered. I stress the word "copy". My copy also
has republic of Kenya . So what you say is
      true about Kenya not being a republic at the time of Obama's
      birth, however it was a republic when the copy was ordered.
      The birth certificate is genuine. I assure you it will be authenticated by
a forensic auditor. We are very proud Obama
      was born here. We have a shrine for him and there are many people who
remember his birth here as he had a white
      mother. They are being interviewed now by one of your media outlets.
 
      Fortunately they even have pictures of his parents with him immediately
after his birth at the Mombasa hospital with
      the hospital in the back ground.
      It will be a proud day for us when it is proven that he was born here and
a Kenyan became the most powerful man in
      the world.
      I encourage anyone to come here and visit. I will be happy to take you and
show you the pictures at the hospital
      myself as well as
      my document and many others that are identical to what Taitz posted. God
Bless.  Kitau"
      So, how much more proof do we need?
 
 
      Well, Here it is...{SJC}
      WELL, HERE IT IS....
 
 
      Lolo Soetoro, Stanley Ann Dunham Soetoro, baby Maya Soetoro,
      and 9 year old Barry Soetoro.
 
 
      This registration document, made available on Jan. 24, 2007,
      by the Fransiskus Assisi
      school inJakarta, Indonesia , shows the registration of Barack
      Obama under the name Barry Soetoro made by his step-father, Lolo Soetoro.
 
 
      Name: Barry Soetoro
      Religion: Islam
      Nationality: Indonesian
 
 
 
 
      How did this little INDONESIAN Muslim child –
      Barry Soetoro, (A.K.A. Barack Obama)
      get around the issue of nationality to become
      President of the  United States of America ?
 
 
      PART 2:
      In a move certain to fuel the debate over Obama's
      qualifications for the presidency, the
      group "Americans for Freedom of Information"
      has released copies of President Obama's
      college transcripts from  Occidental   College   ...
 
 
      The transcript indicates that Obama, under the name
      Barry Soetoro, received financial aid as a
      foreign student from  Indonesia  while an undergraduate
      at the school.  The transcript was released
      by  Occidental   College  in compliance with a court
      order in a suit brought by the group in the
      Superior Court of  California . The transcript shows that
      Obama (Soetoro) applied for financial
      aid and was awarded a fellowship for foreign students
      from the Fulbright Foundation Scholarship program.
      To qualify for this scholarship, a student must claim
      foreign citizenship.
      This document provides the smoking gun that many of
      Obama's detractors have been seeking -
      that he is NOT a natural-born citizen of the  United States  -
      necessary to be President of these
      United States.  Along with the evidence that he was first born
      in  Kenya , here we see that there is
      no record of him ever applying for  US  citizenship..
      Gary Kreep of the United States Justice Foundation has released
      the results of their investigation
      of Obama's campaign spending.  This study estimates that Obama
      has spent upwards of $950,000
      in campaign funds in the past year with eleven law firms in 12
      states for legal resources to block
      disclosure of any of his personal records.
 
 
      Mr. Kreep indicated that the investigation is still on-going
      but that the final report will be provided
      to the  U.S.  attorney general, Eric Holder.
      Mr. Holder has refused comment on this matter.
 
      LET OTHER FOLKS KNOW THIS NEWS - THE MEDIA WON'T!
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 17, 2011, 11:39:31 AM
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
    She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 17, 2011, 11:44:25 AM
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
 
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
 
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
 
 Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
 
 Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
 
 The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
 After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
 
 The man replied, ' Ontario '.
 
 'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
 1. Death
 2. Taxes
 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on February 18, 2011, 04:32:06 PM
An old gypsy woman accosted me on the street and yelled "02 a1 cd 2b 82 25"

I think it' some kind of hex.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on February 24, 2011, 04:50:30 PM
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the (peanut)butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous.... tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize....

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 01, 2011, 09:57:37 PM
(http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f179/deadmanriding/girl_boat.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 01, 2011, 10:00:51 PM
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had

just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions

about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then

about her new husband's occupation.



"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.





He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first

three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments,

needing time to reflect on all those years.





After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,

explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early

20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her

60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.





The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had

married four men with such diverse careers.





She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show.

three to get ready, and four to go."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 01, 2011, 10:15:42 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however

They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Breezers..



Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to

Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.



One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought

She would take off her panties and use them.



Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive

Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.



She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she

Proceeded to wipe with that.



After the girls did their business, they proceeded to

Go home.


The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned

That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung
over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect
the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"



"That's nothing," said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that

Said.....



'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.' "
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 13, 2011, 01:33:02 PM
Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of
school in Ohio .   "What is your name?" asked the teacher.  "Mohammad"
answered the boy.

"You are in America now.  From now on your name will be Johnny,"
replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day, Mohammad?"
asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammad.  I ’m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion?  Shame on you!" and she beat
him.  Then she called his father and he too, beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.  When the teacher saw him
with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 13, 2011, 01:35:32 PM
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left..

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we....?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....





...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 13, 2011, 02:05:28 PM
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything,
let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that crap  again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 13, 2011, 02:21:56 PM
(http://cruciality.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/chinese-doctor.jpg)

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?   

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean! Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"

 AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 14, 2011, 05:31:25 PM
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on March 18, 2011, 01:14:57 PM
(http://www.boners.com/content/807395.1.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on March 18, 2011, 01:17:59 PM
(http://www.boners.com/content/808496.1.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on March 24, 2011, 12:45:54 AM
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
 
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
 
 

 
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 
 
 Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
 

 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
 

 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
 
 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
 
 

 
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
 

 
 
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
 

Spent $40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some ****'s sent me a magnifying glass!
 
 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
 
 
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
 she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too
 
 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 06, 2011, 01:44:11 PM
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat,
And an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville ,WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
Wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started
To climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a
Spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid
Down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She
Told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter
And how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her
Story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the
Examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The
Angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then
Told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
"recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.  I'm
Sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned me down."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on April 09, 2011, 02:20:41 AM
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2206#comic
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on April 16, 2011, 02:59:36 PM
It was the happiest day of my life. I arrived at the church, my wife was waiting for me at the alter. I walked up the aisle kissed her on the cheek, smiled and then I closed the lid.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:18:31 AM
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:20:11 AM
Why dont lawyers take Viagra?


It just makes them taller.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:27:45 AM
Friedman goes to Hell and is met by the devil.
The devil says, "The punishments are changed every thousand years. You have three choices."
They open the door to the first room and there's a young guy strapped to a pole, being whipped. They open the door to the second room and there's a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. They open the door to the third room there's an old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a pretty blonde.
Friedman says, "I'll take the third room."
The devil taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, "Okay, you can stop. This guys taking over."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:33:33 AM
What color is Sean Hannity after he takes a shit?


Clear
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:34:38 AM
What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:35:54 AM
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

"How we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:41:35 AM
A guy's walking along the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs.
He walks up to her...on his own, obviously she couldn't wave him over...and she says, "I've never been kissed. Can you kiss me?"
He says to himself, "What the hell?" and kisses her.
She says, "I've never been fingered, Could you please finger me?"
He sneaks his finger around the lip of her bathing suit and sticks it in her very greasy un-used hole.
She says, "I've never been fucked."
He picks her up, throws her in the water, and says, "Well, yer fucked now."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:46:18 AM
Dirty Johnny catches his father opening a prophylactic.

He says, "What are you doin', Pop?"

His father says, "Son...um,uh...son, I'm going to try to catch a rat."

Johnny says, "Yeah........really? What are you going to do when you catch it? Fuck it?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:47:34 AM
A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 01:56:40 AM
Harry goes to his twentieth high school reunion, and sees an old friend. The guy has on a three-corner hat, he has a peg leg, a hook on his right hand, and a patch over his left eye.

Harry says, "This is a reunion, not a costume party. What's up?"

The guys, "I always said I wanted to be a pirate, and now I am."

Harry says, "What happened to your leg?"

The guy says, " My first day on board ship, a cannonball blew off my left leg, so they gave me a peg leg."

Harry says, "How'd you wind up with a hook?"

The guy says, "The second day, I got my right hand sliced off in a saber fight, so they gave me a hook."

Harry says, "How'd you wind up with a patch over your eye?"

The guy says, "The next day, a bunch of seagulls were flying over us. I looked up, and one of them shit in my right eye."

Harry says, "A little bird shit shouldn't cause you to lose an eye."

The guy says, "Well, it was my first day with the hook."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 02:03:10 AM
Where would you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left him.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 02:05:13 AM
A guy's weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.

The cop says, "Hey, pal, did you know your wife fell out a few blocks back?"

The guy says, "Thank God. I thought I went deaf."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 02:18:05 AM
What do you say to a girl with no tits?














Nothing.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 02:28:50 AM
A guy goes into a diner and says to the girl behind the counter, "I
want a bowl of hot chili."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, the guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy next to him's finished eating, but the
chili bowl's still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it, help yourself."
The guy pulls it over and starts eating the chili. When he gets about half way
down, his spoon hits a dead mouse.
He goes, "Ugh!," and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 02:32:11 AM
A couple goes to the marriage counselor.

The marriage counselor says, "I think we should start with what you have in common."

The husband says, "Well, neither one of us likes to suck cock."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 02:41:36 AM
A salesman's on the road and goes up to a girl in a bar.
He says, "You want a drink?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They drink the drink, and he says, "Want to go back to my hotel."
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get to his hotel room, and he says, "You want to get naked?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get it on all night and she leaves.
A few months later she calls him at his office and says, "I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to kill myself."
He says, "Geez...you really are a good sport."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 02:46:41 AM
Three blondes are out in the woods.

The first one says, "These are deer tracks."

The second one says, "These are bear tracks."

The third one says, "No...they're..."

And they get hit by the train.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on April 18, 2011, 03:36:39 PM
Three blondes are out in the woods.

The first one says, "These are deer tracks."

The second one says, "These are bear tracks."

The third one says, "No...they're..."

And they get hit by the train.

So, what kind of tracks were they?







Jk.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 18, 2011, 04:08:15 PM
Three blondes are out in the woods.

The first one says, "These are deer tracks."

The second one says, "These are bear tracks."

The third one says, "No...they're..."

And they get hit by the train.

So, what kind of tracks were they?


Richard, how many times we gotta tell you?

 Quit logging into anarchir's account and asking stupid questions!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 21, 2011, 08:34:24 PM
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

“I want to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!”

“You crafty Bast@rd,” said the fairy.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on April 21, 2011, 10:05:16 PM
Three blondes are out in the woods.

The first one says, "These are deer tracks."

The second one says, "These are bear tracks."

The third one says, "No...they're..."

And they get hit by the train.

So, what kind of tracks were they?


Richard, how many times we gotta tell you?

 Quit logging into anarchir's account and asking stupid questions!

Damnit Richard you jerk!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on April 22, 2011, 09:35:50 PM
Two horses walk into a bar called The Long Face.

The bartender looks at them and says "Why?"

The horses don't say anything.  'Cause they're horses, and horses don't talk.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 23, 2011, 12:26:03 AM
You have a donkey and I have a rooster.

Your donkey bites off both of my rooster's feet and eats them. What do you have?




Two feet of my cock in your ass.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on April 23, 2011, 01:06:54 AM
A horse and a Rabbi are walking across the desert.  

The rabbi says to the horse, "UCH, my feet are killing me."

The horse says "Then why are you leading me across the desert, but can't make me drink when we reach the oasis?"

The rabbi says "Oh great, now the horse can talk."





Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 23, 2011, 01:44:31 AM
A lady has a baby, and all it is, is a head. Nothing but a head. Just a god-damned head. That's all it is. So what's she gonna do, she puts it at the top of the stairs, on a table, facing out the window. It's the least she can do. For eighteen years, here's the head...

Eighteen years later. Finally, one day the phone rings, she answers it, and it's the hospital.

A doctor tells her, "Ms. Johnson, there's been a terrible crash. Someone was decapitated...but we saved the body, and we can put your head...well, not YOUR head...but your head's head...I mean, the head you have at home, we can put THAT head on top of the body, and you can have a regular son after all these years!!"

Needless to say, the lady is tickled pink.

She goes running up the stairs, and she says, "Bobby! Bobby! I've got the most wonderful surprise for you!"



He says, "I hope it's not another fuckin' hat."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 23, 2011, 01:57:15 AM
A lady is in the doctors office

lady - doctor, please, kiss me!

doctor - I cant do that

lady - please doctor, kiss me

doctor - no, I told you already, I cant do that!

lady - doc, just kiss me once, please

doctor - look, lady, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on April 23, 2011, 02:03:12 AM
Two bananas are hanging out down by the river when a turd comes floating by.

The turd says "Whats up bananas? Come on in, the water is GREAT!"

One banana looks at the other and says "Do you believe that shit?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on April 23, 2011, 09:41:48 PM
sam gunn has the best jokes!

and, I'm not just sucking up to you.
its true!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 23, 2011, 11:26:55 PM
Good news!  I just got a new bike for the wife.

Best trade I ever made.......
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 25, 2011, 10:46:47 AM
They have been secretly Beta Testing voice recorders in Ford F150's sold in Texas for the last few years.
The most common recorded sentence before a crash is "Hold my beer while I show you how to really drive this truck!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 26, 2011, 01:28:45 PM
(http://s-ak.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/web04/2011/3/15/20/enhanced-buzz-11855-1300233868-15.jpg)
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/basset-hounds-running
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 27, 2011, 01:31:35 PM
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannnibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he walked in, sat down and looked over the menu...

Raw Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked politician $100.00
The guy called the cook over and asked, 'Why such A huge price difference for the politicians?'

The cook replied.... 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap  ... it takes all day.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on April 27, 2011, 09:33:04 PM
Man walks in to a bookstore... Says to the female clerk..

"Excuse me, I can't recall the name of the title, but do you have the new book about men with short penises?

"I don't believe it's in yet.."

"that's the one.." he said..   "I'll take a copy..."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on April 29, 2011, 06:49:10 PM
 "Two coffees, please..."
 
                                 Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack
Obama meets a man with a beard.  'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
                                 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher
up.'  Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
 
                                 Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than
St. Peter, Obama climbs the
                                 ladder in great strides, climbs up through the
clouds and comes into a room
                                 where he meets another bearded man.  He asks
again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
 
                                 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is
higher still.'
 
                                 Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he
climbs the ladder yet again, he
                                 discovers a larger room where he meets an
angelic looking man with a beard.
                                 Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you
Mohammed?'  'No, I am Jesus, the
                                 Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up. '
 
                                 Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man!  Obama
can hardly contain his
                                 delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. 
Once again, he reaches an even
                                 larger room where he meets this truly
magnificent looking man with a silver
                                 white beard and once again repeats his
question:
 
                                 "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now,
totally out of breath from all
                                 his climbing.  'No, my son..... I am Almighty
God, the Alpha and the Omega,
                                 but you look exhausted.  Would you like a cup
of coffee?"
 
                                 Obama says, "Yes please"!  As God looks behind
him, he claps his hands and
                                 yells out: "Hey Mohammed-two coffees!""
 
                                 Keep your trust in God...your president is an
idiot.........
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 04, 2011, 05:36:25 PM
A Navy seal walks into a bar and orders a Bin Laden, bartender says what is in a Bin Laden? The Navy Seal says '2 shots and a splash of water'.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 06, 2011, 11:24:19 AM
(http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/66/89/f076e5b55e36d5a494d0eb65671cd8c4.jpg)
http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/66/89/f076e5b55e36d5a494d0eb65671cd8c4.jpg
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 12, 2011, 08:35:05 PM
A Dark And Stormy Night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:


 

"Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on May 13, 2011, 08:53:23 PM
A high school couple's in the movies.

The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum."

He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on May 13, 2011, 08:56:24 PM
hey nigs.
i jut invented this joke

you momma's pussy so big & deep, they done give up on the seven brazillians down there.


i'ma fuckin' tradmark this motherfucker
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on May 13, 2011, 09:21:33 PM
hey nigs.
i jut invented this joke

you momma's pussy so big & deep, they done give up on the seven brazillians down there.


i'ma fuckin' tradmark this motherfucker

I'll give ya 50 27 cents for it.

Cash money.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on May 13, 2011, 10:06:57 PM
hey nigs.
i jut invented this joke

you momma's pussy so big & deep, they done give up on the seven brazillians down there.


i'ma fuckin' tradmark this motherfucker

I'll give ya 50 27 cents for it.

Cash money.



suck my momma's cock
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on May 13, 2011, 10:29:06 PM
The one in her snatch, or the one thats been double-parked on her ass for an hour?

Gotta be specify that shit for me, on a count I aint too smart.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on May 13, 2011, 10:32:16 PM
i finally found the the perfect girl
i could not ask for more
she's deaf & dumb & oversexed
and owns a liquor store
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on May 14, 2011, 04:26:22 AM
A Dark And Stormy Night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:


 

"Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Why did bob die?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Diogenes The Cynic on May 15, 2011, 12:17:52 AM
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/12/05/irate-cash4gold-lett.html


Don't wanna bother embedding it, but that's hilarious.

You can also see the kids hands as he takes a pic with his camera-phone.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on May 17, 2011, 03:18:31 PM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.

2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

4. Sing Along At The Opera.

5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.

6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on May 17, 2011, 03:43:34 PM
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.



I actually did this to a jeweler friend of mine when I had to send him a 1,200.00 check for some silver bars I bought off of him a while back. I put "Big bag of weed" in the memo.


He laughed about it but deposited it, no questions asked.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on May 20, 2011, 05:25:56 PM
We are in trouble...
 
                        The
                        population of this country is 300 million.
 
                        160
                        million are retired.
 
                        That leaves 140 million to do the
                        work.
 
                        There are 85 million in school. 
 
                        Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
 
                        Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
                        government. 
 
                        Leaving 20 million to do the work. 
 
                        2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
                        with killing Osama
                        Bin-Laden.
 
                        Which leaves 17.2
                        million to do the work. 
 
                        Take from that total the 15.8
                        million people who work for state and city
                        Governments. And that
                        leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
 
 
                        At any given
                        time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. 
                        Leaving
                        1,212,000 to do the work.
 
                        Now, there are 1,211,998 people
                        in prisons. 
 
                        That leaves just two people to do the
                        work. 
 
                        You and me. 
 
                        And there
                        you are, 
 
                        Sitting on your ass,
 
                        At your computer, reading jokes..
 
                        Nice.   Real nice.
 
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on May 29, 2011, 10:45:30 AM
The Whitehouse Bed

                  One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him.  Barack asks him,
"George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

                  "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,"
Washington advises, then fades away.

                  The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost
of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom.  Obama calls out,
"Tom, please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

                  "Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises,
and dims from sight.

                  Barack isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees
another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe,
what is the best thing I can do right now, to help the country? Obama
pleads.

                  Abe replies: "Go see a play".
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on June 01, 2011, 12:55:10 AM
John Kerry walks into a bar. 

The horse says "woah".

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on June 06, 2011, 03:03:38 AM
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzbURUrgQao&feature=related[/youtube]
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 06, 2011, 11:48:39 AM
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess.......

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess if she could put them in a freezer for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
     
Two lessons here:     
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as many folks think they are.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 06, 2011, 11:50:19 AM
A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.   

    The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.   

    A man's voice said, "Come on in."

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done.
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the broken window.

    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
broke the window?"

    "Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.

    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes...
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
one for myself."   

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."

    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
 

    "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

    "Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
 

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
same for you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.   

    "NO Joke." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 06, 2011, 11:54:16 AM
Adverbial humour:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Swifty
with a hint of motorcycle involvement.

"My girlfriend fell off the back of the motorcycle" said Tom ruthlessly.

"The back tire is shot" said Tom tirelessly.

"How could such a fat woman get pregnant?" asked Tom inconceivably.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 06, 2011, 05:37:15 PM
Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, Since youve been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang
out with God.

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?

Arthur said, Yep, thats me.

God said, Well, whats the big deal in inventing something thats
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and cant run without a
road?

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, Excuse me,
but arent You the inventor of woman?

God said, Yes.

Well, said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. Theres too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!

Hmmmmm, you have some good points there, replied God, hold on.

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.

Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, God said to
Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 09, 2011, 04:41:16 PM
A man  walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into  the taxi,  and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger:  'Who?'

Cabbie:  'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my  coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman  every single time.'

Passenger:  'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not  Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at  tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced  like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an  amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really  special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a  computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which  foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like  me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could  do everything right.'

Passenger:  'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie:  'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not  like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,  and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never  answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always  immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a  mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank  Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you  meet him?'

Cabbie:  'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his damn wife.'
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on June 11, 2011, 12:10:09 AM
Whats the difference between a midget and a monkey?



A monkey doesn't freak me out.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on June 11, 2011, 12:11:52 AM
Whats fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?



Donald Trump's tie.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on June 11, 2011, 12:34:08 AM
Horsecock walks into a bar, says "Have you seen my horse?"  Bartender says NO, have you seen my face?

Horse leans his head out of the bathroom and says, "Where the fucks my cock?  I wanted to cum all the fuck over this picture of the bartender!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 12, 2011, 03:47:11 PM
Fred was out riding his Sporster, but the weather was getting chilly, and the zipper broke on his leather jacket, so he put the jacket on backwards.  A bit later, he dodged a squirrel running across the road, lost control and crashed into a tree.  A passing driver stopped to help, and a few minutes later had this report for the police:

"When I got here, I saw the wrecked Harley and this dazed guy stumbling around.  But, by the time I got his head twisted around straight, he was dead."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on June 12, 2011, 08:33:37 PM
Found in a boaters forum...

--

A 'heads up' for us men who are regular customers of West Marine. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out for supplies became quite traumatic. Don't be naive and think it can't happen to you.

Here is how the scam works.

Two seriously good looking girls, 20 or 21yrs old came over to my car as I was loading my trunk.  They both start wiping my windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say NO and instead ask for a ride to another West Marine.

You agree and they get in the back seat.  On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.. I had my wallet stolen on March the 25th, 26th, 28th, 30th, twice on April 2nd, 4th, 5th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming Saturday.  So tell your friends to be careful!

Capt. Pistarckle
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 12, 2011, 11:54:13 PM
Proof that Men Have Better Friends
 
Friendship among Women:
 
A woman didn't come home one night.  The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.  The man called his wife's 10 best friends.  None of them knew anything about it. 
 

Friendship among Men:
 
A man didn't come home one night.  The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.  The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 16, 2011, 12:15:57 AM
(http://hphotos-snc6.fbcdn.net/256786_10150203184606315_507176314_7488596_4350166_o.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 16, 2011, 05:57:46 PM
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. 

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


 

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"


 

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."


 

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"


 

The former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"


 

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."


 

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"


 

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.


 

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


 

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"



 

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"


 

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,  "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on June 16, 2011, 11:00:25 PM
You like apples?

"Yeah, sure, I like apples."

Well, FUCK YOU!!! How ya like dem apples?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on June 18, 2011, 01:05:27 PM
WTF ken walks into a gay bar & starts sucking a black guyts cock............................................






..........that's it........................................................................................
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on June 18, 2011, 04:43:40 PM
See? You can refere to minorities in a civil manner.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 22, 2011, 06:56:59 PM
Alright guys, come on lets lighten the mood.  This forum has been pretty sad since that guy torched himself, and I think we can liven it up in here by focusing on positive things we can do to enjoy our lives.  I'll start:

I have always wanted to go to a nudist beach but i am always afraid that I will stick out.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: anarchir on June 22, 2011, 08:00:10 PM
teehee
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Riddler on June 22, 2011, 08:23:08 PM
I think we can liven it up in here by focusing on positive things we can do to enjoy our lives.  I'll start:

I have always wanted to go to a nudist beach but i am always afraid that I will stick out.

till a negroe walks up & says,
''what the fuck, whitey.....that all you got''?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on June 22, 2011, 11:59:08 PM
Jews are usually pretty big too I hear.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on June 23, 2011, 02:07:20 AM
Jews are usually pretty big too I hear.


(http://i399.photobucket.com/albums/pp71/quickmike1969_photo/SammyDavisJr.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on June 23, 2011, 08:01:22 AM
(http://www.living-in-northern-cyprus.com/review/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/dean-martin.jpg)
More ways than that to please a lady, chocolate Rabi.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on June 23, 2011, 10:04:57 AM

More ways than that to please a lady, chocolate Rabi.

(http://i399.photobucket.com/albums/pp71/quickmike1969_photo/frank-sinatra-nothing-but-the-best.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on June 23, 2011, 12:35:46 PM
(http://www.latimes.com/includes/projects/hollywood/portraits/peter_lawford.jpg)
Hey, leave our well hung black Jewish pal alone. When are Bobby and Jack coming with the hot dames? Promised them a meeting with Marilyn....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on June 25, 2011, 04:29:48 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An easily understandable explanation of derivative markets.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed in a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic Vice President at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets, and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi. Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons. But being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and her eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

Suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with not only having to write off her bad debt but also with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations. Her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses, and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar, no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in the Federal Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on June 30, 2011, 08:19:40 AM
The husband leans over and asks his wife,
    *
    *'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
    *
    *We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back
    fence and I made love to you.'

    'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'*

    *'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we
    can do it for old time's sake?'
    *
    *'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
    and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
    see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
    *
    *I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
    *
    *So he follows them.
    *
    *The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
    support aided by walking sticks.
    *
    *Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence*
     
    *The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
    *
    *As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in....
    *
     
    *Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
    policeman has ever seen**.*
     
    *This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
    noises and moaning and screaming.*
     
    *Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed.
    *
    *He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,* *the
    old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
    *
    *The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is
    truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
    *
    *'Excuse me, but that was something else.
    * *You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort
    of secret to this?'

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
    wasn't an electric fence.'*
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on July 04, 2011, 03:42:37 PM
My son is really into the channel "Animal Planet" on the TV here lately. Anyway I found this interesting.
Q. What is a polar bear looking for after he is finished swimming from one iceberg to another?



A. His testicles.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith) on July 30, 2011, 12:35:49 PM
Woman can fake orgasms but men can fake relationships.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on August 19, 2011, 11:00:57 PM
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Fred on October 15, 2011, 05:41:44 PM
so precious!  You're a lucky man Al!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on November 01, 2011, 09:58:32 PM
How do you get a homosexual to fuck a woman?

Fill up her cunt with shit!


--


Guy comes home from work, slams through the door and exclaims "Honey, great news!  Pack your bags, I've just won the Powerball!"

The wife says "Wow, my god!  Thats wonderful!  What should I pack?"

The guy says "I don't give a fuck, whatever you can carry, get the fuck out!"






(Thats some Gilbert Gottfried jokes, as much as I'd like to take credit for them..)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: alaric89 on December 14, 2011, 04:36:17 PM
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
...
A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Turd Ferguson on May 15, 2012, 01:54:35 PM
Two dudes are walking down the street and one guy turns to the other and says, "Ya know, I've been thinking about you a bit, and ya know what? You're a cunt. In fact, you've always been a cunt and in all likelyhood, you'll always be a cunt. As a matter of fact, if they had a contest for biggest cunt in the world, you'd almost certainly come in second"

Second guy replies, "Why not first?"





First guy says, "Because.......you're a cunt!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on October 02, 2012, 04:13:44 AM
There once was a girl from Nantucket
who drilled a hole in a bucket
put it over her head
approached me and said
"If your dick was hard I would suck it."



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on October 20, 2012, 08:01:35 AM
Bartender is standing in a bar, horse walks in.

Bartender says get the fuck out, you'll shit on the floor.

Horse says goddamn right I'll shit on the floor, I'm The Aristocrats!



Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: dalebert on October 22, 2012, 07:06:28 PM
A man stopped at the toy store on his way home to buy a present for his young daughter’s birthday. He asked the saleswoman if they had any Barbie dolls. “Sure,” she replied, “we have Gym Barbie for $19.99, Ballgown Barbie for $19.99, Shopping Barbie for $19.99, Nightclub Barbie for $19.99, and Divorced Barbie for $250.”

     The man was curious. “Why does Divorced Barbie cost $250 when all the others cost $19.99?”

     “Because,” replied the saleswoman, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, and Ken’s furniture.”
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: dalebert on October 27, 2012, 04:33:14 PM
How do you know your sperm count is high?

Your partner has to chew before they can swallow.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Bill Brasky on October 31, 2012, 04:06:43 AM
So, I'm walking down the street with these two whores...