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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 110504 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #360 on: June 06, 2011, 11:48:39 AM »

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess.......

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess if she could put them in a freezer for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
     
Two lessons here:     
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as many folks think they are.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #361 on: June 06, 2011, 11:50:19 AM »

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.   

    The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

    The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.   

    A man's voice said, "Come on in."

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done.
Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the broken window.

    A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
broke the window?"

    "Uh, yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.

    "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes...
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last
one for myself."   

    "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."

    "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
 

    "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

    "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

    "Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

    The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
 

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

    "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
same for you!"

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

    "Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.   

    "NO Joke." He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #362 on: June 06, 2011, 11:54:16 AM »

Adverbial humour:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Swifty
with a hint of motorcycle involvement.

"My girlfriend fell off the back of the motorcycle" said Tom ruthlessly.

"The back tire is shot" said Tom tirelessly.

"How could such a fat woman get pregnant?" asked Tom inconceivably.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #363 on: June 06, 2011, 05:37:15 PM »

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, Since youve been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang
out with God.

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?

Arthur said, Yep, thats me.

God said, Well, whats the big deal in inventing something thats
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and cant run without a
road?

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, Excuse me,
but arent You the inventor of woman?

God said, Yes.

Well, said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. Theres too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!

Hmmmmm, you have some good points there, replied God, hold on.

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.

Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, God said to
Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #364 on: June 09, 2011, 04:41:16 PM »

A man  walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into  the taxi,  and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger:  'Who?'

Cabbie:  'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my  coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman  every single time.'

Passenger:  'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not  Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at  tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced  like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an  amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really  special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a  computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which  foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like  me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could  do everything right.'

Passenger:  'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie:  'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not  like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,  and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never  answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always  immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a  mistake.  No one could ever measure up to Frank  Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you  meet him?'

Cabbie:  'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his damn wife.'
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #365 on: June 11, 2011, 12:10:09 AM »

Whats the difference between a midget and a monkey?



A monkey doesn't freak me out.
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Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #366 on: June 11, 2011, 12:11:52 AM »

Whats fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?



Donald Trump's tie.
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Bill Brasky

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #367 on: June 11, 2011, 12:34:08 AM »

Horsecock walks into a bar, says "Have you seen my horse?"  Bartender says NO, have you seen my face?

Horse leans his head out of the bathroom and says, "Where the fucks my cock?  I wanted to cum all the fuck over this picture of the bartender!"
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #368 on: June 12, 2011, 03:47:11 PM »

Fred was out riding his Sporster, but the weather was getting chilly, and the zipper broke on his leather jacket, so he put the jacket on backwards.  A bit later, he dodged a squirrel running across the road, lost control and crashed into a tree.  A passing driver stopped to help, and a few minutes later had this report for the police:

"When I got here, I saw the wrecked Harley and this dazed guy stumbling around.  But, by the time I got his head twisted around straight, he was dead."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Bill Brasky

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #369 on: June 12, 2011, 08:33:37 PM »

Found in a boaters forum...

--

A 'heads up' for us men who are regular customers of West Marine. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.  Simply going out for supplies became quite traumatic. Don't be naive and think it can't happen to you.

Here is how the scam works.

Two seriously good looking girls, 20 or 21yrs old came over to my car as I was loading my trunk.  They both start wiping my windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say NO and instead ask for a ride to another West Marine.

You agree and they get in the back seat.  On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.. I had my wallet stolen on March the 25th, 26th, 28th, 30th, twice on April 2nd, 4th, 5th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming Saturday.  So tell your friends to be careful!

Capt. Pistarckle
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #370 on: June 12, 2011, 11:54:13 PM »

Proof that Men Have Better Friends
 
Friendship among Women:
 
A woman didn't come home one night.  The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.  The man called his wife's 10 best friends.  None of them knew anything about it. 
 

Friendship among Men:
 
A man didn't come home one night.  The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.  The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #371 on: June 16, 2011, 12:15:57 AM »

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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #372 on: June 16, 2011, 05:57:46 PM »

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. 

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


 

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"


 

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."


 

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"


 

The former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"


 

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."


 

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"


 

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.


 

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


 

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"



 

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"


 

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,  "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #373 on: June 16, 2011, 11:00:25 PM »

You like apples?

"Yeah, sure, I like apples."

Well, FUCK YOU!!! How ya like dem apples?
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Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #374 on: June 18, 2011, 01:05:27 PM »

WTF ken walks into a gay bar & starts sucking a black guyts cock............................................






..........that's it........................................................................................
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