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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 121459 times)

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Bill Brasky

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #330 on: April 22, 2011, 09:35:50 PM »
Two horses walk into a bar called The Long Face.

The bartender looks at them and says "Why?"

The horses don't say anything.  'Cause they're horses, and horses don't talk.

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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #331 on: April 23, 2011, 12:26:03 AM »
You have a donkey and I have a rooster.

Your donkey bites off both of my rooster's feet and eats them. What do you have?




Two feet of my cock in your ass.
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Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Bill Brasky

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #332 on: April 23, 2011, 01:06:54 AM »
A horse and a Rabbi are walking across the desert.  

The rabbi says to the horse, "UCH, my feet are killing me."

The horse says "Then why are you leading me across the desert, but can't make me drink when we reach the oasis?"

The rabbi says "Oh great, now the horse can talk."





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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #333 on: April 23, 2011, 01:44:31 AM »
A lady has a baby, and all it is, is a head. Nothing but a head. Just a god-damned head. That's all it is. So what's she gonna do, she puts it at the top of the stairs, on a table, facing out the window. It's the least she can do. For eighteen years, here's the head...

Eighteen years later. Finally, one day the phone rings, she answers it, and it's the hospital.

A doctor tells her, "Ms. Johnson, there's been a terrible crash. Someone was decapitated...but we saved the body, and we can put your head...well, not YOUR head...but your head's head...I mean, the head you have at home, we can put THAT head on top of the body, and you can have a regular son after all these years!!"

Needless to say, the lady is tickled pink.

She goes running up the stairs, and she says, "Bobby! Bobby! I've got the most wonderful surprise for you!"



He says, "I hope it's not another fuckin' hat."
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #334 on: April 23, 2011, 01:57:15 AM »
A lady is in the doctors office

lady - doctor, please, kiss me!

doctor - I cant do that

lady - please doctor, kiss me

doctor - no, I told you already, I cant do that!

lady - doc, just kiss me once, please

doctor - look, lady, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #335 on: April 23, 2011, 02:03:12 AM »
Two bananas are hanging out down by the river when a turd comes floating by.

The turd says "Whats up bananas? Come on in, the water is GREAT!"

One banana looks at the other and says "Do you believe that shit?"
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Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #336 on: April 23, 2011, 09:41:48 PM »
sam gunn has the best jokes!

and, I'm not just sucking up to you.
its true!
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #337 on: April 23, 2011, 11:26:55 PM »
Good news!  I just got a new bike for the wife.

Best trade I ever made.......
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #338 on: April 25, 2011, 10:46:47 AM »
They have been secretly Beta Testing voice recorders in Ford F150's sold in Texas for the last few years.
The most common recorded sentence before a crash is "Hold my beer while I show you how to really drive this truck!"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #339 on: April 26, 2011, 01:28:45 PM »
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #340 on: April 27, 2011, 01:31:35 PM »
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannnibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he walked in, sat down and looked over the menu...

Raw Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked politician $100.00
The guy called the cook over and asked, 'Why such A huge price difference for the politicians?'

The cook replied.... 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap  ... it takes all day.'
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #341 on: April 27, 2011, 09:33:04 PM »
Man walks in to a bookstore... Says to the female clerk..

"Excuse me, I can't recall the name of the title, but do you have the new book about men with short penises?

"I don't believe it's in yet.."

"that's the one.." he said..   "I'll take a copy..."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #342 on: April 29, 2011, 06:49:10 PM »
 "Two coffees, please..."
 
                                 Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack
Obama meets a man with a beard.  'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
                                 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher
up.'  Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
 
                                 Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than
St. Peter, Obama climbs the
                                 ladder in great strides, climbs up through the
clouds and comes into a room
                                 where he meets another bearded man.  He asks
again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
 
                                 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is
higher still.'
 
                                 Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he
climbs the ladder yet again, he
                                 discovers a larger room where he meets an
angelic looking man with a beard.
                                 Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you
Mohammed?'  'No, I am Jesus, the
                                 Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up. '
 
                                 Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man!  Obama
can hardly contain his
                                 delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. 
Once again, he reaches an even
                                 larger room where he meets this truly
magnificent looking man with a silver
                                 white beard and once again repeats his
question:
 
                                 "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now,
totally out of breath from all
                                 his climbing.  'No, my son..... I am Almighty
God, the Alpha and the Omega,
                                 but you look exhausted.  Would you like a cup
of coffee?"
 
                                 Obama says, "Yes please"!  As God looks behind
him, he claps his hands and
                                 yells out: "Hey Mohammed-two coffees!""
 
                                 Keep your trust in God...your president is an
idiot.........
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #343 on: May 04, 2011, 05:36:25 PM »
A Navy seal walks into a bar and orders a Bin Laden, bartender says what is in a Bin Laden? The Navy Seal says '2 shots and a splash of water'.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #344 on: May 06, 2011, 11:24:19 AM »
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
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