Welcome to the Free Talk Live bulletin board system!
This board is closed to new users and new posts.  Thank you to all our great mods and users over the years.  Details here.
185859 Posts in 9829 Topics by 1371 Members
Latest Member: cjt26
Home Help
+  The Free Talk Live BBS
|-+  Free Talk Live
| |-+  General
| | |-+  Jokes
Pages: 1 ... 20 21 [22] 23 24 ... 27   Go Down

Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 110629 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #315 on: April 18, 2011, 01:41:35 AM »

A guy's walking along the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs.
He walks up to her...on his own, obviously she couldn't wave him over...and she says, "I've never been kissed. Can you kiss me?"
He says to himself, "What the hell?" and kisses her.
She says, "I've never been fingered, Could you please finger me?"
He sneaks his finger around the lip of her bathing suit and sticks it in her very greasy un-used hole.
She says, "I've never been fucked."
He picks her up, throws her in the water, and says, "Well, yer fucked now."
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #316 on: April 18, 2011, 01:46:18 AM »

Dirty Johnny catches his father opening a prophylactic.

He says, "What are you doin', Pop?"

His father says, "Son...um,uh...son, I'm going to try to catch a rat."

Johnny says, "Yeah........really? What are you going to do when you catch it? Fuck it?"
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #317 on: April 18, 2011, 01:47:34 AM »

A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #318 on: April 18, 2011, 01:56:40 AM »

Harry goes to his twentieth high school reunion, and sees an old friend. The guy has on a three-corner hat, he has a peg leg, a hook on his right hand, and a patch over his left eye.

Harry says, "This is a reunion, not a costume party. What's up?"

The guys, "I always said I wanted to be a pirate, and now I am."

Harry says, "What happened to your leg?"

The guy says, " My first day on board ship, a cannonball blew off my left leg, so they gave me a peg leg."

Harry says, "How'd you wind up with a hook?"

The guy says, "The second day, I got my right hand sliced off in a saber fight, so they gave me a hook."

Harry says, "How'd you wind up with a patch over your eye?"

The guy says, "The next day, a bunch of seagulls were flying over us. I looked up, and one of them shit in my right eye."

Harry says, "A little bird shit shouldn't cause you to lose an eye."

The guy says, "Well, it was my first day with the hook."
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #319 on: April 18, 2011, 02:03:10 AM »

Where would you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left him.
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #320 on: April 18, 2011, 02:05:13 AM »

A guy's weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over.

The cop says, "Hey, pal, did you know your wife fell out a few blocks back?"

The guy says, "Thank God. I thought I went deaf."
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #321 on: April 18, 2011, 02:18:05 AM »

What do you say to a girl with no tits?














Nothing.
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #322 on: April 18, 2011, 02:28:50 AM »

A guy goes into a diner and says to the girl behind the counter, "I
want a bowl of hot chili."
She says, "I'm sorry, sir, the guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy next to him's finished eating, but the
chili bowl's still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it, help yourself."
The guy pulls it over and starts eating the chili. When he gets about half way
down, his spoon hits a dead mouse.
He goes, "Ugh!," and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
« Last Edit: April 18, 2011, 03:05:14 AM by quickmike »
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #323 on: April 18, 2011, 02:32:11 AM »

A couple goes to the marriage counselor.

The marriage counselor says, "I think we should start with what you have in common."

The husband says, "Well, neither one of us likes to suck cock."
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #324 on: April 18, 2011, 02:41:36 AM »

A salesman's on the road and goes up to a girl in a bar.
He says, "You want a drink?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They drink the drink, and he says, "Want to go back to my hotel."
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get to his hotel room, and he says, "You want to get naked?"
She says, "Sure. I'm a good sport."
They get it on all night and she leaves.
A few months later she calls him at his office and says, "I'm pregnant. I think I'm going to kill myself."
He says, "Geez...you really are a good sport."
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #325 on: April 18, 2011, 02:46:41 AM »

Three blondes are out in the woods.

The first one says, "These are deer tracks."

The second one says, "These are bear tracks."

The third one says, "No...they're..."

And they get hit by the train.
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

anarchir

  • Extraordinaire
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5103
  • No victim, no crime.
    • View Profile
    • Prepared Security
Re: Jokes
« Reply #326 on: April 18, 2011, 03:36:39 PM »

Three blondes are out in the woods.

The first one says, "These are deer tracks."

The second one says, "These are bear tracks."

The third one says, "No...they're..."

And they get hit by the train.

So, what kind of tracks were they?







Jk.
Logged
Good people disobey bad laws.
PreparedSecurity.com - Modern security and preparedness for the 21st century.
 [img width= height= alt=Prepared Security]http://www.prepareddesign.com/uploads/4/4/3/6/4436847/1636340_orig.png[/img]

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #327 on: April 18, 2011, 04:08:15 PM »

Three blondes are out in the woods.

The first one says, "These are deer tracks."

The second one says, "These are bear tracks."

The third one says, "No...they're..."

And they get hit by the train.

So, what kind of tracks were they?


Richard, how many times we gotta tell you?

 Quit logging into anarchir's account and asking stupid questions!
Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #328 on: April 21, 2011, 08:34:24 PM »

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

“I want to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!”

“You crafty Bast@rd,” said the fairy.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

anarchir

  • Extraordinaire
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5103
  • No victim, no crime.
    • View Profile
    • Prepared Security
Re: Jokes
« Reply #329 on: April 21, 2011, 10:05:16 PM »

Three blondes are out in the woods.

The first one says, "These are deer tracks."

The second one says, "These are bear tracks."

The third one says, "No...they're..."

And they get hit by the train.

So, what kind of tracks were they?


Richard, how many times we gotta tell you?

 Quit logging into anarchir's account and asking stupid questions!

Damnit Richard you jerk!
Logged
Good people disobey bad laws.
PreparedSecurity.com - Modern security and preparedness for the 21st century.
 [img width= height= alt=Prepared Security]http://www.prepareddesign.com/uploads/4/4/3/6/4436847/1636340_orig.png[/img]
Pages: 1 ... 20 21 [22] 23 24 ... 27   Go Up
+  The Free Talk Live BBS
|-+  Free Talk Live
| |-+  General
| | |-+  Jokes

// ]]>

Page created in 0.102 seconds with 32 queries.