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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 101951 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #300 on: March 13, 2011, 02:05:28 PM »

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything,
let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a £1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that crap  again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #301 on: March 13, 2011, 02:21:56 PM »



Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?   

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean! Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"

 AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #302 on: March 14, 2011, 05:31:25 PM »

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
 
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #303 on: March 18, 2011, 01:14:57 PM »

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #304 on: March 18, 2011, 01:17:59 PM »

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #305 on: March 24, 2011, 12:45:54 AM »

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
 
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
 
 

 
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 
 
 Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
 

 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
 

 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
 
 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
 
 

 
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
 

 
 
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
 

Spent $40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some ****'s sent me a magnifying glass!
 
 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
 
 
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
 she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too
 
 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #306 on: April 06, 2011, 01:44:11 PM »

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat,
And an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville ,WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
Wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started
To climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a
Spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid
Down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She
Told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter
And how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her
Story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the
Examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The
Angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then
Told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
"recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.  I'm
Sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned me down."
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

anarchir

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #307 on: April 09, 2011, 02:20:41 AM »

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #308 on: April 16, 2011, 02:59:36 PM »

It was the happiest day of my life. I arrived at the church, my wife was waiting for me at the alter. I walked up the aisle kissed her on the cheek, smiled and then I closed the lid.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #309 on: April 18, 2011, 01:18:31 AM »

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #310 on: April 18, 2011, 01:20:11 AM »

Why dont lawyers take Viagra?


It just makes them taller.
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #311 on: April 18, 2011, 01:27:45 AM »

Friedman goes to Hell and is met by the devil.
The devil says, "The punishments are changed every thousand years. You have three choices."
They open the door to the first room and there's a young guy strapped to a pole, being whipped. They open the door to the second room and there's a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. They open the door to the third room there's an old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a pretty blonde.
Friedman says, "I'll take the third room."
The devil taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, "Okay, you can stop. This guys taking over."
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Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #312 on: April 18, 2011, 01:33:33 AM »

What color is Sean Hannity after he takes a shit?


Clear
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #313 on: April 18, 2011, 01:34:38 AM »

What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm.
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #314 on: April 18, 2011, 01:35:54 AM »

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

"How we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"
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