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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #285 on: February 07, 2011, 01:29:47 PM »

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.


Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

...and these are even funnier:

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #286 on: February 08, 2011, 10:53:39 AM »

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When theresults came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tailpipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #287 on: February 13, 2011, 12:05:02 PM »

What's the best way to get a nun pregnant?












































Dress her up like a choir boy!
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Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #288 on: February 13, 2011, 12:05:57 PM »

Why do women (forgive me women!) have two sets of lips?









































So they can Piss and Moan at the same time!
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #289 on: February 16, 2011, 08:13:55 AM »

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:


"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank. The midget."
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #290 on: February 16, 2011, 05:10:38 PM »

For what purpose this will serve, here is the magic document almost
everyone was hoping to get.
 
      Snopes say's it's true
 
 
      Here it is, folks!  The document we have been waiting for!  Now if only
SOMEONE in Congress
      or the Supreme Court will act on this!
      Spread this around.....if these documents are as authentic as they
certainly seem to be,
      Obama is NOT qualified to be our President and he sits in the White House
illegally!
      This is what Obama has spent almost $2M (so far) to hide.
 
 
      Here's a close-up of the top of the document where you can plainly read
his name and
      his parent's names, etc....
 
 
 
      A British history buff was asked if he could find out who the colonial
registrar was for Mombasa in 1961.
      After only a few minutes of research, he called back and said "Sir Edward
F. Lavender? Note the
      same name near the bottom of the photo above.
      Source(s): ? Kenya Dominion Record 4667 Australian library."
      And here?s a close-up of the bottom of the document where you can read
"Coast Providence of Kenya "
      and the official signature of the Deputy Registrar.....
 
 
 
 
      The above document is a "Certified Copy of Registration of Birth", but
below is a copy of the actual Certificate of Birth...
      the real-deal legal kind of certificate.
      The Mombasa Registrar of Births has testified that Obama's birth
certificate from Coast Province General Hospital in
      Mombasa is genuine. This copy was obtained by Lucas Smith through the help
of a Kenyan Colonel who recently got it
      directly from the Coast General Hospital in Mombasa , Kenya .  Here  it
is.....
 
 
 
      Note the  footprint!!
      The local Muslim Imam in Mombasa named Barack with his Muslim middle name
Hussein so his official name on
      this certificate is Barack Hussein Obama II.
      The grandmother of Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. reveals the story of his
birth in Mombasa , Kenya , a seaport,
      after his mother suffered labor pains while swimming at ocean beach in
Mombasa
      ......
      "On August 4, 1961 Obama's mother, father and grandmother were attending a
Muslim festival in Mombasa , Kenya .
      Mother had been refused entry to airplanes due to her nine month
pregnancy.  It was a hot August day at the festival
      so the Obama?s went to the beach to cool off. While swimming in the ocean
his mother  experienced labor pains so
      was rushed to the Coast  Provincial
      General Hospital, Mombasa, Kenya where Obama  was born a few hours later
at 7:21 pm on August 4, 1961(what a
      sad day for the USA!).  Four days later his mother flew to Hawaii and
registered his birth in Honolulu as a certificate
      of live birth which omitted the place and hospital of birth."
      Letter from Kitau in Mombasa , Kenya   ......
      "I happen to be Kenyan. I was born 1 month before Obama at Mombasa medical
center. I am a teacher here at the
      MM Shaw Primary School in Kenya . I compared my birth certificate to the
one that has been put out by Taitz and
      mine is exactly the same. I even have the same registrar and format. The
type is identical. I am by nature a skeptical
      person. I teach science here and challenge most things that cannot be
proven. So I went to an official registrar today
      and pulled up the picture on the web. They magnified it and determined it
to be authentic. There is even a plaque
      with Registrar Lavenders name on it as he was a Brit and was in charge of
the Registrar office from 1959 until
      January of 1964. The reason the date on the certificate says republic of
Kenya is that we were a republic when the
      "copy" of the original was ordered. I stress the word "copy". My copy also
has republic of Kenya . So what you say is
      true about Kenya not being a republic at the time of Obama's
      birth, however it was a republic when the copy was ordered.
      The birth certificate is genuine. I assure you it will be authenticated by
a forensic auditor. We are very proud Obama
      was born here. We have a shrine for him and there are many people who
remember his birth here as he had a white
      mother. They are being interviewed now by one of your media outlets.
 
      Fortunately they even have pictures of his parents with him immediately
after his birth at the Mombasa hospital with
      the hospital in the back ground.
      It will be a proud day for us when it is proven that he was born here and
a Kenyan became the most powerful man in
      the world.
      I encourage anyone to come here and visit. I will be happy to take you and
show you the pictures at the hospital
      myself as well as
      my document and many others that are identical to what Taitz posted. God
Bless.  Kitau"
      So, how much more proof do we need?
 
 
      Well, Here it is...{SJC}
      WELL, HERE IT IS....
 
 
      Lolo Soetoro, Stanley Ann Dunham Soetoro, baby Maya Soetoro,
      and 9 year old Barry Soetoro.
 
 
      This registration document, made available on Jan. 24, 2007,
      by the Fransiskus Assisi
      school inJakarta, Indonesia , shows the registration of Barack
      Obama under the name Barry Soetoro made by his step-father, Lolo Soetoro.
 
 
      Name: Barry Soetoro
      Religion: Islam
      Nationality: Indonesian
 
 
 
 
      How did this little INDONESIAN Muslim child –
      Barry Soetoro, (A.K.A. Barack Obama)
      get around the issue of nationality to become
      President of the  United States of America ?
 
 
      PART 2:
      In a move certain to fuel the debate over Obama's
      qualifications for the presidency, the
      group "Americans for Freedom of Information"
      has released copies of President Obama's
      college transcripts from  Occidental   College   ...
 
 
      The transcript indicates that Obama, under the name
      Barry Soetoro, received financial aid as a
      foreign student from  Indonesia  while an undergraduate
      at the school.  The transcript was released
      by  Occidental   College  in compliance with a court
      order in a suit brought by the group in the
      Superior Court of  California . The transcript shows that
      Obama (Soetoro) applied for financial
      aid and was awarded a fellowship for foreign students
      from the Fulbright Foundation Scholarship program.
      To qualify for this scholarship, a student must claim
      foreign citizenship.
      This document provides the smoking gun that many of
      Obama's detractors have been seeking -
      that he is NOT a natural-born citizen of the  United States  -
      necessary to be President of these
      United States.  Along with the evidence that he was first born
      in  Kenya , here we see that there is
      no record of him ever applying for  US  citizenship..
      Gary Kreep of the United States Justice Foundation has released
      the results of their investigation
      of Obama's campaign spending.  This study estimates that Obama
      has spent upwards of $950,000
      in campaign funds in the past year with eleven law firms in 12
      states for legal resources to block
      disclosure of any of his personal records.
 
 
      Mr. Kreep indicated that the investigation is still on-going
      but that the final report will be provided
      to the  U.S.  attorney general, Eric Holder.
      Mr. Holder has refused comment on this matter.
 
      LET OTHER FOLKS KNOW THIS NEWS - THE MEDIA WON'T!
 
 
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #291 on: February 17, 2011, 11:39:31 AM »

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
    She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #292 on: February 17, 2011, 11:44:25 AM »

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
 
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
 
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
 
 Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
 
 Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
 
 The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
 After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
 
 The man replied, ' Ontario '.
 
 'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

 'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
 1. Death
 2. Taxes
 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #293 on: February 18, 2011, 04:32:06 PM »

An old gypsy woman accosted me on the street and yelled "02 a1 cd 2b 82 25"

I think it' some kind of hex.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Fred

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #294 on: February 24, 2011, 04:50:30 PM »

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the (peanut)butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous.... tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize....

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #295 on: March 01, 2011, 09:57:37 PM »

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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #296 on: March 01, 2011, 10:00:51 PM »

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had

just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions

about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then

about her new husband's occupation.



"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.





He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first

three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments,

needing time to reflect on all those years.





After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,

explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early

20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her

60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.





The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had

married four men with such diverse careers.





She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show.

three to get ready, and four to go."
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #297 on: March 01, 2011, 10:15:42 PM »

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however

They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Breezers..



Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to

Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.



One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought

She would take off her panties and use them.



Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive

Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.



She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she

Proceeded to wipe with that.



After the girls did their business, they proceeded to

Go home.


The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned

That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung
over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect
the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"



"That's nothing," said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that

Said.....



'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.' "
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #298 on: March 13, 2011, 01:33:02 PM »

Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of
school in Ohio .   "What is your name?" asked the teacher.  "Mohammad"
answered the boy.

"You are in America now.  From now on your name will be Johnny,"
replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day, Mohammad?"
asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammad.  I ’m in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion?  Shame on you!" and she beat
him.  Then she called his father and he too, beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.  When the teacher saw him
with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #299 on: March 13, 2011, 01:35:32 PM »

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left..

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we....?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....





...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't'
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
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