Jokes

[Fred]

Having  already downed a few power drinks, she turns  around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye  and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw 
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my  place, in the car, front door, back
door, on the  ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with  clothes on it
doesn't matter to me. I just love  it."
        Eyes now wide with  interest, he responds, "No  kidding. I'm in Congress
too.
        What state are you  from?"

[Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)]

http://s734.photobucket.com/albums/ww344/usttobee50/?action=view&current=Vibrator-prank-call.mp4

[YixilTesiphon]

This thread rules. The TSA one was awesome.

[Bill Brasky]

MLKJ walks into a bar, bartender says "I just mopped that floor."

[Fred]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?



























Where's my tractor?

[Fred]

Dan Quayle was telling his friend about the time when he was in the air national guard:  "About 10 of us wen up in a big ol C-130, and we were flying around, the sergeant opened the door, handed us all a paracute and told us to jump out one by one".

" I was the last guy and when I stood up to jump out, I looked out the door and below and I just couldn't do it".  My sergeant jumped up beside me and said - you either jump out right now or I'll fuck you in the ass right here boy".

So, his friend said, "well, did you jump?"

Dan said, "yea, a little bit.........at first".

[Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
 
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
 
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.  But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
 
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
 
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
 
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
 
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
 
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
 
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
 
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
 
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
 
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
 
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
 
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
 
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
 
What would YOU do?
 
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
 
       
   
         
 
 
 
 
    Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
 
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
 
Now....what is the moral to this story?
 
 
 
 
       
Scroll down
 
 
 
 
         
   
 
 
      The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[Diogenes The Cynic]

An Anthropologist friend passed this off as a true story, but I have my doubts.

At an Anthropology convention, everyone was standing around chatting, while one guy in a corner was sitting down, scribbling furiously into a notebook.

A couple of guys go up to him, and try to make small talk:

Anthropologist: So, whats your name?

Guy: (stops writing) Running-Water

Anthropologist: So, what are you doing here?

Guy: I'm a Native-American doing a study of some goddamn Anthropologists.

[Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother,

'My hands are freezing cold.'


The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.


The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'


The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.


The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,'My nose is cold.'


The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.



The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'



The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned, the mother said,

'Why yes of course . . . . . why do you ask?'


The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they ! ! !'

[Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)]

 NASCAR NEWS:  JEFF GORDON FIRES PIT CREW!!

Reuters/AP Wire- Raleigh, NC  January 22, 2010
 
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them
was brought about by a recent televised documentary demonstrating how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without the use of proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of the latest high tech equipment. As most races are won or lost in the pits, It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team.
 
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. In the new crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt,Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

[Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. 

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. 

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. 

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. 

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' 

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. 

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 

'Absolutely,' the man replied.  'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. 

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

[Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)]

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
 
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.
 
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
 
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.
 
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.
 
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.
 
10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
 
10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[teambuildingtrainings]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[One two three]

Thanks, I just used mail to jail to send some of these jokes to 3 folks.