Welcome to the Free Talk Live bulletin board system!
This board is closed to new users and new posts.  Thank you to all our great mods and users over the years.  Details here.
185859 Posts in 9829 Topics by 1371 Members
Latest Member: cjt26
Home Help
+  The Free Talk Live BBS
|-+  Free Talk Live
| |-+  General
| | |-+  Jokes
Pages: 1 ... 15 16 [17] 18 19 ... 27   Go Down

Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 120825 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #240 on: August 31, 2010, 02:17:07 AM »

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C.
 
He told the Cardinal that Nancy would be attending the next day's Mass,
and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and
say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
 
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues
of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."
 
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation
of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as
a saint."
 
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money,
so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
 
As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship
and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
 
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker
Pelosi was present.
 
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Speaker Pelosi's
presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal
favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to
tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.
Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say,
Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.
She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people.
She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington,
and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted."
 
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama
and Senators Harry Reid and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #241 on: August 31, 2010, 02:28:15 AM »

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, our government entities seem to think other factors must be taken into consideration and other strategies often have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buy a stronger whip.

2. Change riders.

3. Threaten the horse with termination.

4. Appoint a committee to study the horse.

5. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lower the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appoint an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Create a training session to increase the rider’s load share.

9. Reclassify the dead horse as “living impaired”.

10. Change the form so that it reads “This horse is not dead.”

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Provide additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.

15. Do a time-management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position   







"Why I am Fat"

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

- I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

- The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

- We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

- Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.







Farm Kid in the Army

Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried egg plant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.


We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.



This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes..


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.




Your loving daughter ,

Alice
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #242 on: September 28, 2010, 02:00:27 AM »

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in 'heat' and the neighbor's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"

"Oh" said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!!!!!".
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #243 on: October 09, 2010, 05:14:25 PM »

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
...WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #244 on: December 08, 2010, 07:51:48 AM »

   * If you jump off the bridge in Paris, you are in Seine

    * A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

    * Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

    * Practice safe eating - always use condiments

    * Shotgun wedding - it's a case of wife or death

    * A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

    * A hangover is the wrath of grapes

    * Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

    * Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    * Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

    * Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

    * When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

    * A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

    * What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away)

    * Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

    * In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

    * She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

    * A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

    * If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

    * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

    * The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

    * You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

    * Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

    * Every calendar's days are numbered

    * A lot of money is tainted -  Taint yours and taint mine

    * A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

    * He had a photographic memory that was never developed

    * A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

    * Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

    * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

    * Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

    * Acupuncture is a jab well done.\
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

mikehz

  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8033
    • View Profile
    • Day by Day
Re: Jokes
« Reply #245 on: December 08, 2010, 10:40:30 AM »

The government decides to try out a field test to see how good investigative agencies actually are. A rabbit is released into a fenced 100-acre forest. The CIA searches for a month, and finally concludes that rabbits don't exist. The FBI searches for a month, and then reports that it will take 50 agents another hundred days to find the rabbit. The LAPD goes into the woods, and an hour later a bear comes out, all beat up, saying "Okay, okay--I'm a fucking rabbit!"
Logged
"Force always attracts men of low morality." Albert Einstein

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #246 on: December 09, 2010, 12:47:59 PM »

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them: "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks: "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies: "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #247 on: December 10, 2010, 01:52:55 AM »

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
> store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales
> experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
>
> Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
> I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
>
> His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
> was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
>
> The kid says, "One."
>
> The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
> How much was the sale for?"
>
> Kid says, "$101,237.64."
>
> Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
>
> Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
> fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
> fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down
> at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to
> the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
> said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
> the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
>
> The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
> boat and truck?"
>
> Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I
> said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #248 on: December 10, 2010, 01:54:54 AM »

IN OTHER NEWS

Local police reported for duty today and found every toilet at the police station had been disconnected and removed while the night shift was in progress. Because the station was locked, security cameras were turned off, leaving no clue.

Police Chief Wiggam says " it's terrible, we have nothing to go on.".........
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #249 on: December 10, 2010, 01:55:44 AM »

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,

was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #250 on: December 10, 2010, 02:02:00 AM »



Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #251 on: December 10, 2010, 11:49:18 AM »

Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #252 on: December 10, 2010, 12:18:12 PM »

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

LOL: Living On Lipitor

OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!

OMG: Ouch, My Groin!

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

WTF: What's Today's Fish?

WTF: Wet The Furniture

IMHMO: In My HMO...

RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

GTG: Gotta Groan

TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)

FWB: Friend With Betablockers

FYI: For Your Indigestion...

JK: Just Kvetching

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor

SUS: Speak Up, Sonny

WIWYA: When I Was Your Age

GOML: Get Off My Lawn
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #253 on: December 11, 2010, 12:04:06 PM »

Texas highway patrolman stops a male motorist.  The driver hands over his license and concealed carry license.
Patrolman asked him if he was presently armed to which he answered affirmative.
Patrolman: What are you carrying?
Motorist: I have a 9mm under my coat, in the glove box is a 38 revolver, and in my right boot is a derringer.
Patrolman:  Is that all?
Motorist: Behind the seat is a 30-06 deer rifle.
Patrolman: Surely that's all.
Motorist: No, in the trunk is an AR15 and a Mossberg 500 riot 12 guage pump.
Patrolman: Man, what are you scared of?
Motorist: Not a damn thing!
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

voodoo

  • FTL AMPlifier Platinum
  • *
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3748
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #254 on: December 14, 2010, 12:49:12 PM »

My wife has been missing for a week, and the cops tell me to prepare for the worst.

So, I'm going to Goodwill to get her clothes back.
Logged
"It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself."  ~ Thomas Jefferson: Notes on Virginia Q.XVII, 1782. ME 2:222
Pages: 1 ... 15 16 [17] 18 19 ... 27   Go Up
+  The Free Talk Live BBS
|-+  Free Talk Live
| |-+  General
| | |-+  Jokes

// ]]>

Page created in 0.019 seconds with 31 queries.