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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 110624 times)

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #225 on: August 17, 2010, 10:37:52 PM »

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner", Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!!
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #226 on: August 19, 2010, 01:31:15 AM »

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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #227 on: August 21, 2010, 12:51:37 PM »

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #228 on: August 21, 2010, 12:52:15 PM »

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month,   Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #229 on: August 21, 2010, 12:55:45 PM »

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' t-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' t-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. 

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
 
''Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!   By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to California and get another one?'
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Turd Ferguson

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #230 on: August 21, 2010, 12:55:59 PM »

HAAAA!!!
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Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

Riddler

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #231 on: August 22, 2010, 11:57:09 AM »

greg geraldo on hasselhoff roast:
(addressing actor george hamilton)

''george, you & tang have a lot in common,
  you're both dry, orange & no one's given a FUCK about you since 1968.''

i almost fell off the couch
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #232 on: August 24, 2010, 01:10:53 AM »

Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So you got something to look at when they're talkin' to ya! .... so you got something to look at when they're talkin' to ya!

(Taken from Family Guy - the lady at work didn't find it 'that' funny)


What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin' Catholic.

old one...Steven Wright
"I bought a box of powdered water.... didn't know what to add to it

From Larry The Cable Guy:

"I was real proud of my nephew for a while, because I heard he got into trouble for having sex with his teacher, But then I found out he was home schooled."














HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #233 on: August 25, 2010, 11:12:58 PM »

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken
 ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.
 "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did. "Well done,  son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat
them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?
 His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"








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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Rillion

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #234 on: August 25, 2010, 11:38:46 PM »

Nice....I like that one.  And it makes me think all shrimp should be thoroughly scared before being prepared for eating.   :)
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Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #235 on: August 26, 2010, 04:04:24 PM »

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #236 on: August 29, 2010, 04:02:01 AM »

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that!?!'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #237 on: August 29, 2010, 04:03:27 AM »

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied gasping.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. 

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. 

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? 



"Feels great," he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!"
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #238 on: August 29, 2010, 04:04:45 AM »

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek
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"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #239 on: August 31, 2010, 12:21:29 AM »

Only
in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
________________________________________

Only
in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet
coke.
________________________________________
Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
________________________________________

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
________________________________________
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight..
________________________________________

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
________________________________________

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
________________________________________

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
________________________________________

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
________________________________________

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
________________________________________

Why is
lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
________________________________________

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
________________________________________

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
________________________________________

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
________________________________________

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
______________________________________

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
________________________________________

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
________________________________________

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
________________________________________

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
________________________________________

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
________________________________________

If flying is so safe, why do
they call the airport the terminal?















Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
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