Welcome to the Free Talk Live bulletin board system!
This board is closed to new users and new posts.  Thank you to all our great mods and users over the years.  Details here.
185859 Posts in 9829 Topics by 1371 Members
Latest Member: cjt26
Home Help
+  The Free Talk Live BBS
|-+  Free Talk Live
| |-+  General
| | |-+  Jokes
Pages: 1 ... 7 8 [9] 10 11 ... 27   Go Down

Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 120779 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Math Teacher Arrested on Terrorism Charges
« Reply #120 on: January 16, 2010, 02:01:08 PM »

A math teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.  He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.  As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."  White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #121 on: January 21, 2010, 07:46:03 PM »

The United States Center for Contagious Disease Control has issued a level 1 warning about a new virulent strain that has been quickly spreading. The disease is contracted through dangerously high-risk behavior.
 
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim, and is pronounced "gonna re-elect them."
 
Research has confirmed that most victims contracted this dangerous and destructive disease after having been screwed in November 2008.
 
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become and have further learned that it is easily cured .... by simply voting out all incumbents!
 
In spite of the perils, Pelosi, Reid and Obama are working in secret legislation to place Gonorrhea Lectim on the endangered species list to assure its survival
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

anarchir

  • Extraordinaire
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5103
  • No victim, no crime.
    • View Profile
    • Prepared Security
Re: Jokes
« Reply #122 on: January 22, 2010, 12:50:43 AM »

NICE
Logged
Good people disobey bad laws.
PreparedSecurity.com - Modern security and preparedness for the 21st century.
 [img width= height= alt=Prepared Security]http://www.prepareddesign.com/uploads/4/4/3/6/4436847/1636340_orig.png[/img]

Turd Ferguson

  • Opportunist Extraordinaire
  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 4085
    • View Profile
    • https://twitter.com/#!/realmikequick
Re: Jokes
« Reply #123 on: January 22, 2010, 03:08:53 PM »

Logged
Some peoples idea of hell is having to mind their own business.

anarchir

  • Extraordinaire
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 5103
  • No victim, no crime.
    • View Profile
    • Prepared Security
Re: Jokes
« Reply #124 on: January 22, 2010, 03:33:37 PM »

Well the snowmobile one was new to me, but they were both lol worthy.
Logged
Good people disobey bad laws.
PreparedSecurity.com - Modern security and preparedness for the 21st century.
 [img width= height= alt=Prepared Security]http://www.prepareddesign.com/uploads/4/4/3/6/4436847/1636340_orig.png[/img]

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #125 on: January 24, 2010, 09:50:03 PM »

Note: Slightly corrupted by censor

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50
years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and
reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
 
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for
the
SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
 
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Congress deems appropriate.
 
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS(Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).
 
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by Congress.
 
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much crap
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided
themselves on the amount of crap  they give our citizens.
 
Should you feel that you do not receive enough crap , please bring this to
the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all
the crap  you can handle.
 
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
 
PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas
and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of
the Tunnel has been turned off.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #126 on: February 02, 2010, 07:27:40 PM »

My God....

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace '."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #127 on: February 07, 2010, 05:57:13 PM »

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys
50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops.  "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom.   "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.   "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.   I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.  I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there."

"By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter.   Just gonna be the two of us."
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

ForumTroll

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #128 on: February 07, 2010, 11:23:51 PM »

My washer and dryer are racist. They both have cycles for "whites" and "colors".
Logged

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #129 on: February 07, 2010, 11:25:54 PM »

My washer and dryer are racist. They both have cycles for "whites" and "colors".
:shock:
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #130 on: February 09, 2010, 02:17:49 AM »

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Man, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find other employment."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Sweetheart," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you have," she said, starting to cry, "and if you don't stop, I'll want a divorce!"

"But dear, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said through her rolling tears. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry again.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open: the library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a noneducational video; last week it was Porky's Revenge. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Rillion

  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 6804
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #131 on: February 11, 2010, 06:49:28 PM »

Okay, not a joke per se.  But this video made me laugh.  

[youtube=425,350]<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/DKWdSCt4jGE&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/DKWdSCt4jGE&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>[/youtube]
« Last Edit: February 11, 2010, 07:05:25 PM by Rillion »
Logged

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #132 on: February 25, 2010, 03:36:36 PM »

A cop stops a Harley for going faster than the posted speed limit, and asks the biker his name.
 
 "Fred", the biker replies.
 
 "Fred who?" the officer asks.
 
 "Just Fred", the man responds.
 
 The officer is in a good mood and tells the biker that he is going to give him a break and write out a warning instead of a ticket, but that to do so, he needs to put down a last name.
 
 The guy tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
 The officer suspects that he has a nut case on his hands but decides to play along: "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
 
 The biker replies, "It's a long story, so bear with me.
 I was born Fred Johnson.
 I studied hard and got good grades.
 
 When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
 
 Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
 
 Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
 
 Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
 
 Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me Fred Johnson with VD.
 
 Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred."
 
 The officer walked away in tears, laughing...
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Sam Gunn (since nobody got Admiral Naismith)

  • A Cut Above The Rest
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 8299
  • If government is the answer, the question is stupi
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes
« Reply #133 on: March 03, 2010, 12:33:15 PM »

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a
minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
Logged
"Do not throw rocks at people with guns." —Hastings' Third Law
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." —Herman Wouk 

"If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking... is freedom." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

davann

  • Guest
Re: Jokes
« Reply #134 on: March 03, 2010, 06:32:37 PM »

Some of the funny nick names of hold'em hands

Q3: Gay Waiter; San Francisco Busboy (queen with a tray)
J5: Motown; Jackson Five
J4: Flat ties (what’s a jack for?)
69: Big Lick; Dinner for Two
38: Raquel Welch


Not really jokes, but all are funny to see turned over.

How can you get a professional poker player off your balcony?

Just pay him for the Pizza! 

Logged
Pages: 1 ... 7 8 [9] 10 11 ... 27   Go Up
+  The Free Talk Live BBS
|-+  Free Talk Live
| |-+  General
| | |-+  Jokes

// ]]>

Page created in 0.02 seconds with 32 queries.