ive hit bottom

[earthbrown8]

i am probably totally getting this whole section or topic wrong in posting here but I really just need to " say" this.  I am sure likely I;ll end up looking odd and inappropriate. 
I'm don't think or really know what is going on at this point.  I can do what I have to in order to live.  Survive.  I'm labeled with a mood disorder.  Bi polar 2.  I won't take psyche meds.  I hate them.  They don't help.  In ways they do but honestly They suck.  Yet so does my attitude. 

I've really gone down hill.  I have lost the ability to interact as a reasonable person in real life and as well as my being a fan or FTL and LRN or in every instance of dealing with people.  I don't know if any of you realize how disturbing it is to see how much a person like me can go into these modes where everything I do is crazy and just digs the hole I'm trying to climb out of deeper.  I realize that people who don't struggle with mood disorders or addiction problems would find it easy just to look down their noses at someone and disregard them.  So far I have found that very apparent and it has finally sunk in that I am too crazy to think I could add anything to FTL or the liberty thing.  I've always acknowledged that Im too messed up for them to want me to go to NH.  If I signed up to move to the free state I would get an email back telling me," Howard, No hard feelings.  but just stay where you are."
for real. 
Cause I am this crazy, illiterate guy.  Honestly.  I've met far more compassionate and accepting people among stoners and people who are focused on cannabis and stuff like that than this liberty stuff. 

Thing about FTL or this thing going on there. I have met some really cool people as far a chatting with them.  I really expected to find more chilled out people.  It must be me.  I freak people out.  I know it must be I'm more of an A hole than I am capable of accepting.

No matter what anyone want to judge me as or whatever.  None of you really know me and I acknowledge everything I do lately as far as my wish to interact amicalbly just seems to turn to dog poop. 

I apologize to anyone I offended.  I am done. hIf I ever post again here or go on FTL chat I'd be better off just hitting myself in the head with a hammer first.  As dark as things are for me now its the same.  I have to disappear.  I've embarrassed myself too much and I don't think there is any redemption from this time.  AA, God or anything has enough power to make me well.

Howie

[analogkid]

Howie,

I've talked to you a few times in the FTL chat. I usually use the nick BrundleFly there. You've always been really nice and never freaked me out at all. You seem like a good guy to me.

[FSmember1111]

Time will cure everything and we're all flawed so it's inevitable that your feelings will work against you and how you feel about the presence.

Time cures everything the same way it minimizes your epic accomplishments.   It works both ways erasing both postive and negative influences.  If you join FSP to run from your past, make sure you take steps to avoid those missteps and chart a new course.   It usually has something to do with peaceful activism.

There are always tricks to reboot yourself and you listed one, which is pot.   In this case you used chemical and you limited your interaction to a narrow field.   So you're ignoring the voices in your brain.

And you said getting off this place and Internet.  That's also the right strategy I think.

The mind is not accountable to reality so that's why you're messed up.    Don't let it take you too far from reality that you lose touch.