Dating Rant

[Diogenes The Cynic]

Today, at the office I volunteer in, one of the ladies slipped me the number of a shadchan (matchmaker) in the hopes that I would finally get married. This isn't the first time this has happened, and it will not be the last. If history repeats itself again, I will call this woman, have an interview, and in the end, it will probably amount to nothing.

The process for even getting to a date is draining. You are first asked for your "shidduch resume" (dating profile) and after a review, you go in to the shadchan for a sit-down interview. After all this, your resume goes to the girls family, and they check your references. If they approve, you're given the girls resume, and you check her references.

I personally don't check the references because I never know what to ask. I come from a non-observant family, so my parents can't help here, so my Rebbe's wife does it for me. I have to add that I do find it uncomfortable how so many people who are not me get to decide about my future. It's discomforting. Everyone admits the system isn't optimal, but no one knows how to fix it either, so this is the way its done.

This comes up because at the age of 25, I am the only guy in my social group that is still unmarried. Like literally the only one. My friends are having kids at this point, and I feel a twinge of envy when I go over to their homes on shabbat, and spend time tossing their children into the air.

There are three reasons why not being married bothers me. The first being that the later it gets, the more limited family size will be, assuming I marry a girl around my age. The second is that this might indicate that there is something wrong with me. I don't think there is, but being unmarried this long wrecks self-confidence. The third is that I am not getting any. Damnit!

I don't know what else to say. Its pretty frustrating, and something I wanted to get off of my chest.

You're welcome to reply, but I have no idea what anyone would add to this. If you use this as an opportunity to opine on "durr durr religion r stupid cuz Dawkins said so" I'll delete you. On another thread, or at another time, I would tolerate that, but not now.

[yamnuska]

Do you have to go through the matchmaker? What if you do online dating or go to an adult website to get laid and end up falling in love with someone who is not Jewish? Is that even an option? There has to be online dating sites for Jews, there is for Muslims. What about JDate, I'm not Jewish and have even heard of that site.

I met my first ball and chain via a hiking club, activities are a good way of meeting others, you'll already have something in common you both like. Another good way to meet potential mates (assuming they don't have to be Jewish and your not a total introvert), is through travelling, this is how I met my current partner, if you don't want to travel alone there are travel companies specifically for singles. Travelling through a developing nation is also a great way to test your ability to get along while dealing with lots of shit. I will stand by my belief that a couple who can travel together and still love each other after the trip will stay together until death do they part.

I've also found that when my friends and I have lived with partners before marriage that those marriages have lasted and are still intact - compared with the fanatics who only feel you can be together after your vows - they all happen to be divorced, I've been there and done that, not good, oh, we're married now, okay, let's move in together, nope, not a good idea, go figure. As for your friends at 25 all being married and having kids, they are not the norm, not in this day and age, you should not feel like it will not happen for you, don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. I mean, I was 30 before my first one, then 35 for my second. If I think of my 6 closet friends 4 of them are over 40 and single, only 1 of those has been married. As for kids, adopt, there are so many kids who got the shit end of the stick it ain't funny, and that's just in North America. Go over to India and see all the street kids, yes there is God awful mountains of paperwork but it's worth it.

One thing that really fucking pisses me off are people who think that you are less than them because you are not married, don't have a house, don't have kids. Ever see the movie "Happiness?" The stupid bitch who has the perfect life, well, that perfect life ain't so perfect, her husband is a child toucher, her boy jerks off all the time and at the end of the movie she kisses her dog which happens to have just licked up her boys spunk, yea, life's a fucking show and trying to be a star always puts you in the shit. You ever stop and think that maybe others put pressure on you because they want you to have the same level of misery they have? If you want to be married and have kids it will happen, just don't let it dominate your life otherwise you'll end up in a situation you don't want to be in. That happened to me at 30, a sort of, "oh fuck," if I don't do it now I will end up 80 and alone, rubbish, I rushed into something when I should have said no and it was nothing but a giant clusterfuck. Don't judge your life by what you see in others lives, they are not you and you are not them, so stop comparing, that's very hard and unfair on yourself. You're 25, you should be out there shagging everything in sight.

[d_goddard]

Men are not generally domesticatable until 30. I sure as hell wasn't.

[avshae]

You ever stop and think that maybe others put pressure on you because they want you to have the same level of misery they have? If you want to be married and have kids it will happen, just don't let it dominate your life otherwise you'll end up in a situation you don't want to be in.

Amen

[Rillion]

You're welcome to reply, but I have no idea what anyone would add to this. If you use this as an opportunity to opine on "durr durr religion r stupid cuz Dawkins said so" I'll delete you. On another thread, or at another time, I would tolerate that, but not now.

I won't say that, but it does seem a little odd to come to a place where most people don't share your religious rules to complain about how those rules are making your life difficult.   You say your family is non-observant-- if that's the case, why bother with match-makers at all?  Why not just meet women the way everyone else does-- on your own?   

Religion or not, wanting to get laid is a terrible reason to get married.  Who says you'll even want to have sex with the woman you marry more than once, let alone enough times to produce the litter of children you apparently desire?  Being the only one of your friends who isn't married may seem odd, but at 25 you're still under the national average for when men in the United States marry: 27.8.   Maybe you need to broaden your social circle to include people who won't make you feel badly for not being just like them. 

Sheesh, my brother got married for the first time last year at the age of 37, and there's nothing wrong with him.  He just didn't meet the woman he wanted to marry until he was 36.   These things happen.   However many children your friends have, getting married early often leads to divorce or at least marital strife because the people involved aren't mature enough, don't have enough experience, and don't know each other well enough to know how to make things work.   

Again, I'm not going to bash religion because religion certainly isn't the only way that people construct tight little boxes made of rules that make them unhappy, and then insist on living in them.  But I am going to bash the boxes:

1.  Good wives can be gotten without match-makers.  Most of the world does it.
2.  Good people don't always get married early.  Some never get married.
3.  Good friends don't pressure friends to live just like they do.
4.  Good marriages take work, understanding, and maturity, and should not be rushed. 

Personally, I wish you would conclude that 25 is freakin' young  and go out and have some great and crazy experiences in strange places with strange people before even thinking about looking for a long-term girlfriend, let alone a wife.  But I doubt you will do that.   So I will just suggest patience. 

[alaric89]

Don't listen to those people Cynic. Marriage is AWSOME, I get laid all the time since I got married. The great thing about a arranged marriage is not only will you be knee deep in pussy, but every day you will get a new pleasant surprise about your spouses personality and all woman are so psychologically stable that you will never have to think for yourself or worry.

[yamnuska]

Don't listen to those people Cynic. Marriage is AWSOME, I get laid all the time since I got married. The great thing about a arranged marriage is not only will you be knee deep in pussy, but every day you will get a new pleasant surprise about your spouses personality and all woman are so psychologically stable that you will never have to think for yourself or worry.

"knee deep in pussy."  How the hell did that saying ever come about, what did they do?

Marriage can be awesome, one thing to clear though is smell, make sure you can stand each others smell - each others BO, otherwise your doomed. If your sitting with her on the sofa and she farts and burps in front of you your fine, doesn't mean you can do it though.

[alaric89]

 I didn't feel like writing "You are just a 25 year old kid, enjoy your life for yourself, and the lady will come along sooner rather then later."
 Divorced guys get the tail because we know the grass isn't green over there, and chicks want to get us, they hate to see men happy. I am one of the poor suckers that never learn. (remarried)
 Me and another married guy wrote a poem well worth reading about wives. I think Mr. Cynic might find it encouraging.
http://bbs.freetalklive.com/index.php?topic=24986.30

[ForumTroll]

Embrace your homosexuality.

[Riddler]

so, is this a strictly 'jew'' thing ? (what the op was talking about)

[alaric89]

Embrace your homosexuality.

But I'm only attracted to you BonerJoe....and our wives would never understand......just let it go *sob* let it go.

[ForumTroll]

wat

[alaric89]

LOL. I was playing that your post was to me and I acted like you was trying to pick me up and I was rejecting you sorta like you know that movie Back broken hill or something (which Ive never seen, I watch manly films) and I thought I would be like parody Heath Ledger you know and.....O.K. the joke fell flat.
Anyway here's a weird coincidence that movie "Happiness" actually is tonight on a movie channel I have. Funny thing is I never heard of the film until this thread. Think I'll check it out.

[blackie]

Would you like me to help you find a nice Jewish girl?

[anarchir]

The entire time while reading this I cannot stop thinking of this:

[youtube=480,385]<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/gRdfX7ut8gw&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/gRdfX7ut8gw&amp;hl=en_US&amp;fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>[/youtube]Traditiooooon!