Dalebert And My Anus

[Alex Libman]

I survived!

After the horrible bone-shattering ordeal I just went through, that's all that seems important anymore...

My life was flashing before my eyes, I fully realistically thought I was gonna die...

But I survived!

I survived!

Survived!

I will be suffering post-traumatic stress disorder for the rest of my life, but I must, I simply must tell the tale...

I owe it to humanity and future generations.

Now bowel movements are not something you post about on a forum...

Not even this one...

But what happened to me today was a transcendent experience that changed my whole view of the universe!

I mean, what's so complicated about taking a dump?

Well, you see, I've recently came across a blog post by Dale Everett that touched me in a very profound way...

So I decided to quit my 1.5-year experiment with Veganism and go low-carb instead...

I had no idea what I was in for...

At first everything was a-OK...  I guess it was just momentum...

But then things started to move a little differently...

And tonight, well...  Only paranormal could explain this!

I mean I never believed in ghosts or UFO's, but what my anus just went through could have no earthly logical explanation...

There I was, sitting down with a nice new Perl book, and then...

OH HORRRROR!!!!

I knew I was in for the fight of my life!

Now I know someone coined the term "terdzilla" before, but that's several orders of magnitude different from what I was up against.

The South Park episode wasn't far off...

I mean, WTF!  I'm a human being, right?  How could this even be anatomically possible?!

The pain was so bad I actually hoped I would die like this and end my suffering...

And then the pain got worse!

And worse!

And worse!

You really need to believe in God to understand how big this turd was...

It was Biblical...  Like the third testament of the miraculous, other-worldly, divinely-revealed gospel was coming out of my ass!

I tried to meditate and think about the cave with my power animal...

Unfortunately my power animal was a whale!

I thought about Ernest Hemingway and The Old Man And The Sea...

I thought about The Titanic - and I swear I could hear little tiny Leonardo DiCraprios running for lifeboats inside my ass!

I tried praying to several gods at once...

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of major anal rippage..

There was no getting away from it, the only thing I could do was scream!

And scream!

And scream!

But it just kept on coming!

And, I swear by everything that's good and decent in the world...

It was actually getting wider!

Oh no no no no no no!!!

Dale Everett, YOU DID THIS TO ME!

Ahhhhhh!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ARGGGHGHGHGHAAAHAHGHGHTHGHG!